By: Bears Butt
SIR BUTT TAKES ON THE CHALLENGE
Sitting atop the highest hill in this part of Common Ground, Sir Butt is contemplating his next Point B. He is looking around the valleys below, always looking for dangers lurking along the paths and roads winding through the land. The clouds passing overhead are tall and moving rapidly by and his mind shows him shapes in some of them that remind him of different things. There is a horses head. And now it is shaped like that of a small dragon with its mouth partially open. What a beautiful day it is in Common Ground. A lazy day for Sir Butt and Something. He is thinking just how perfect it is and how his life is also perfect in every way. He is free to travel wherever he wishes in Common Ground and has no worries or fears. Afterall he is the bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and his steed is with him always. His steed is also the bravest of brave steeds and the fittest of all steeds. Able to travel quickly when the need arises and can endure endless miles of fast travel. The steed of all steeds.
“Something”, says Sir Butt aloud. And Something raises his head from eating at the grass, looking toward Sir Butt sitting there on the rock at the very pinnacle of the highest point around this part of Common Ground. “We need to be off to another high point in Common Ground. There are no dangers about in these parts and the travelers are safe in their goings. Let us go”. (Of course in this writing, the author is taking full advantage of his writers ability to quote without saying who is doing the talking, mostly because we all know horses can’t talk and so if any talking is being done it must be Sir Butt who is doing it).
Sir Butt approaches Something, takes hold of the reigns and swings his leg up and over the steeds back. Firmly seated, he clicks his tongue against the back of his teeth which signals Something to begin his travel down the hill side. As they move slowly down the side of the mountain Sir Butt begins to think of a song he might sing to give them both company. Sir Butt is going to make up a song as they go and he begins: Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs. He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride. Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise.
And Sir Butt sings it loud as loud for everyone to hear. Of course there are no other people around and so it is just he and Something that here this song that he has just made up. Can he remember the words later? I doubt it. And it is probably best he cant. Does the song sound like a top 10 to you? Me either, but it is the song that Sir Butt made up and so he sings it loud as loud can be. Over and over and over and over, because he has nothing else to do. Poor Something just has to keep plodding along listening to this obnoxious noise coming from his master. The bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one. Notice there is nothing being said about the best singer in all the land for that is not a trait Sir Butt was born with. Are you wondering how the verse goes? Well, you decide. You decide the tune, the words that need to be emphasized, and held longer than that of other words in your voice and tone. I just write the words, you decide how they are sung.
Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs. He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride. Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise.
Sir Butt is as happy as a lark in a spring field of clover as he sings his newly thought of song and along the trail they travel, descending toward the valley below. As they go, the sun is also going and the shadows begin to lengthen and the daylight begins to dim. It is time for Sir Butt to stop and make camp for the evening. And he stops.
Tethering Something nearby, Sir Butt decides this night would be a good night for a camp fire. So he builds a ring of rocks and gathers up some dry kindling and assorted other sizes of wood appropriate for a campfire. He pulls from his pouch his flint rock and steel, gathers up some tinder and starts the fire. As the fire is beginning to grow in intensity a voice is heard in the darkness. “YO, HO IN CAMP! MAY I ENTER INTO THE LIGHT”? The voice yells. Sir Butt replies, “Enter and say who you are”! Sir Butt is a cautious man, but probably not cautious enough at times. This time, he has his right hand on the handle of Cache as the stranger approaches into the light of the fire. (1)
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED
“Hello, my good man. My name is Good Nuff and I very much appreciate being allowed to join you at your fire”. Said the man. “You are very welcome to join me, my name is Sir Butt”. And he extends his hand to greet the man named Good Nuff. They shake with a hearty hand shake and then Sir Butt invites Good Nuff to sit. “And wherest are thou going”? Asked Sir Butt. “Ah, thank you for asking. My Point B is over there”. And with a high rise of his index finger and an extended arm proceeding into a long arc, Good Nuff points and says. “My goodness”! Responds Sir Butt. “And you are going to walk the entire way”? He asked. “Yes”. Said Good Nuff “I am on a journey to prove to all in Common Ground that one does not need to ride everywhere they must go. We are getting to be a very LARGE body of people living here and we must take action or we will become even LARGER”. Said Mr. Nuff as he continued. “I have come from my Point A which is there”. And with another outstretched arm and index finger he arcs a not so large arch as to his Point B’s direction. “You have been travelling quite some time, Mr. Nuff”. Said Sir Butt. “Might I ask where are your dry goods and sleeping equipment”? Asked Sir Butt. Good Nuff responded with, “I live off of the land, my good man, Mr Butt”. Sir Butt interrupted him with “My name is Sir Butt, thank you, not Mr. Butt”! “Pardon me, Sir Butt, my manners have not been the best of late”. Said Good Nuff and continued “I have not had such good luck as I have at this time to meet up with anyone else traveling these parts and the trail pickings have not been the best to keep ones health up. Living off the land is not a very fun way to live. It’s usually feast or famine and lately the feast has stayed away”.
“Would you care to join me in some sup”? Asked Sir Butt. “I would indeed”. Said Good Nuff. And Sir Butt boiled up some spring water and dropped in two pieces of dried lamb and made up a nice brew of lamb broth. He then pulled two pieces of cake bread from his bag and the two of them feasted. “This is the best I have had in several days”. Replied Good Nuff. “Is it Good Nuff”? Asked Sir Butt with a smile. And the two of them laughed. “Why yes it is Good Nuff”! Exclaimed Good Nuff.
Later as the two of them talked more about Good Nuffs intentions to travel on foot and without any provisions from his Point A to his far off Point B to prove a person can live off the land and walk where he needs to go and thus stay slim and trim and fit and sore of foot and bent at the back and hungry all the time and ornery and thirsty and belligerent. But once all of that discussion was had, Sir Butt asked Good Nuff if he would like to hear the song he made up that very day. Of course Good Nuff obliged Sir Butt at the question. Sir Butt gave a brief explanation about it being a song he made up about his good and brave steed, Something, and then he began his song.
SOMETHINGGGG IS MYYY TRUSSTYYY STEEEED, HEEE RRIDES BEETWEEEENNN MY THIIGHSS. HEEE SLOWWLYY SWINGS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND ISSS HHAPPYY FFORR A RIDE. SOMETHING MAYY GET SMALLER AS DANGERRSS DOO AARIISE, BUT PULLL HIISS REIGNS A LITTLE AND SOMETHING WILLL SSUURRPRRIISSE.
Of course since this was Sir Butts first human to hear his newly created song, he emphasized several of the words and really belched out the words in a vociferous manner with exuberance and pride at his abilities to think of such a clever song in the name of his trusty steed. Sir Butt was all smiles when he finished and thought he had done the song true justice in the delivery. He expected Good Nuff to clap and resound with a like exuberance when he was finished but he did not get that at all. In fact it was quite the opposite reaction from Good Nuff.
As Sir Butt finished singing and sat smiling at Mr. Good Nuff, Mr. Good Nuff removed his cupped hands from around his ears and opened his closed eyes slowly. Good Nuff was sure Sir Butt had finished singing but wanted to make sure before he fully committed to removing his hands from his ears. It’s one thing to see (with your eyes) Sir Butt singing, but quite another to hear (with your ears) his singing. “WOW”! Exclaimed Good Nuff. “That was terrible singing”! He continued. “I have not heard sounds such as those ever, even in my most horrid dreams. Screams such as those only come from the bowels of the dungeons in Never Land far away. You must stop trying to make those words sound like a song, Sir Butt”.
Of course Sir Butt listened intently as Good Nuff said what he said, but then discounted the words as a continuance of Good Nuff’s lack of human intelligence and nutrition of late. Sir Butt then proposed they get some rest. (2)
THE NEXT MORNING
Upon waking in the morning, Sir Butt looked in the direction of Good Nuff’s sleeping spot and only saw the flattened grass where he had slept. Mr. Good Nuff had gotten up and hit the road. As he should have done and not burdened the good Sir Butt with any more insults. As Sir Butt began to brew up some morning brew, he hummed his song to himself.
SomMMmmm Hm Mmm MMmmmm HMmm, Hm MMmm HHMMMmmmm Mm HHmmm Hm MMmmmMMmm HMmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mmm M Mmmm HmmMm Mmm m Mmm SomMMmmm Mmm Hm Mmmmm H MMmmmMmmm Hm MmMmm HM Mmm Mmm HMmm H Mmm H SomMMmmm Hmm SHMmmMHmmmmmm!
As he was humming, Something was trying his best to get untethered from the hock hackles that had him captive. Obviously he was not liking what he was hearing and wanted out of there.
When the brew was drank and all of the provisions put back into the bag and loaded up on Something, Sir Butt mounted up and off they rode. They had no definite place in mind, they just plodded along and were generally in search of another strategically high point on which to sit and watch again the valleys below for lurking dangers.
Because the trip was not one with a defined mission or Point B, Sir Butt had plenty of time to think and think he did. His mind was wandering and he came to a realization that he did not have a tune that was his favorite, unless of course it was the one he made up yesterday. But that one was for his steed and he did not have one for himself. After all, a man of his character should have a theme song that he could sing as he went about his daily doings. A catchy tune with plenty of goodly rhymes and such that portray his abilities to slay dragons and be the all knowledgeable man that he is. One in which when people travelling and hear it, will relate to Sir Butt. Well then, it is such that must be done and done post haste and if Sir Butt must make up the song himself, then so be it! And he went into deep thought as to the words for the song.
“Dragons, oh Dragons beware! Sir Butt will have your scales”…..No! That does not rhyme. “Dragons, Oh Dragons Stay In your Lairs, if your head you wish to spare. Sir Butt is on the trail and will swiftly offn your tail”. Well at least it rhymes a little. He continues to think. “And will swiftly offn your tail”. Why on Common Ground would I offn a dragons tail? That does not make any sense at all! That would only cause the dragon to get more angry and offn my head with his sharp bite! Those words will not do. This will not be an easy undertaking he thought to himself.
As Something plodded along kicking rocks up in the trail Sir Butt thought of another bit of poem that could be added to Somethings little song.
“Somethings feet are clicking up the rocks along the trail. His tail is swishing back and forth and causing flies to sail. Something is my friend, the best in all the land. And if I need it from him, he lends a helping hand. Something is my bud, between my legs he goes, he warns me of dangers that might otherwise be mistaken for a toad”.
But this is not what Sir Butt wants for a song about his own self. And the words to Somethings song are plenty just the way they are. He needs no more than the few words he sang to Good Nuff the night before. That will be enough for that song.
A brave man song. A strong man song. A daring man song. A dragon is dead song. A fair maiden in distress song. A song of a man with knowledge beyond anyone elses in Common Ground. A song the school lads and lasses will sing with joy in their hearts. This song must be about all of this and more. For who else but Sir Butt keeps the paths clear of dangers and evils that lurk about to spoil the travels of villagers as they go from their Points A to their Points B?
Sir Butt contemplates and contemplates and suddenly, as if by magic he starts to speak words as if they could be part of a song.
“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.”
Not too bad, thinks Sir Butt. Why yes. Fair Maidens should not be afraid of me. I am here to help them in their times of need. Should that need be to swoon them or to protect them from some danger close at hand. Yes! This line needs to be in the song. And he continues to think and suddenly just like before, another line comes bolting forward in his mind and he speaks it out loud.
“The man who knows so Much, makes your path safe to Touch. “
The all knowledgeable Sir Butt has all the knowledge he needs and then some. He is after all “the all knowledgeable one”. And he makes the trails through Common Ground safe for all the travelers to travel on. And so “touch” might not sound like an appropriate word for this song, it certainly lends itself well and means you can safely touch the path with your feet and travel freely and safely. HMMM, thinks Sir Butt, I think that line is a keeper as well. Something is tossing his head around at the noise emanating from Sir Butts mouth as he is for sure talking aloud to himself. Not singing, just talking about the line he has just thought up and its relevance to the portrayal Sir Butt thinks should be in a song about him and his character. Sir Butt becomes aware of Something and his nervousness and says to him, “Something, everything is alright. I am just enjoying my own company, that is all. If you were able to talk perhaps we could enjoy this conversation together. But since you cannot speak, I will continue to discuss this matter with myself. And at that Something let out a terrific blast of gas from his backside. (3)
SIR BUTT CONTINUES TO THINK OF LINES FOR HIS SONG
Sir Butt was taken aback by Somethings rudeness and is wondering if perhaps Something can indeed think for himself and much like that of a human. Sir Butt knows that Something has special characteristics for being a steed and his bloodline is of superior qualities. In battles against the deadly three headed dragons, Sir Butt does not need to heel Something into charging toward the dragon as it is gathering itself up for a blast of ferocious fire. Something has a natural talent to know when to charge and either arrive at the dragons neck just as the last of the flame burns out, or just before a blast of fire begins. A trait Sir Butt did not have to train him to do. He just does it. And he does it at the precise moment it needs to be done. Delivering Sir Butt to the exact spot he needs to be in order to lop off the beasts head or drive Cache deep into the beasts heart.
Well enough thought about Something. He already has a song and Sir Butt must get back to his thinking about a song for himself. Now let’s see, we have two lines of this song and they go like this.
“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot. The man who knows so Much, makes your path safe to Touch.”
I like it, he mutters to himself. Now let’s see, what would be a good third line to the song. Brave man, smart man, courageous man…..Then as if magic happens again, the words spill out of his mouth like peas from a shucked pod.
“ Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed.”
Oh Man! How do I think of such good things as this? Sir Butt asks himself. This is a great line! Dragons take heed, I’ll have your head indeed! I really like that one. Absolutely that line must be in my song. No dragon is ever going to beat me at this game and I am certain to keep the paths and trails in Common Ground safe. And I WILL offn their heads! This song thing is rather fun if I do say so myself, which I do. There has to be more to this song than what I have thought of so far. Let’s see, fair maidens, dragons, my all knowledgeable self…what else? Oh my trusty sword. There has to be a line about Cache.
Cache, Cache, Cache, yielding Cache! That’s it! And again the words spill from his mouth like water from the streams great falls.
“The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand”.
What a wonderful line! That could just end the song right there! I am amazing myself with my abilities to generate lines like these for my song! Wonderful, wonderful indeed! I am tickled almost pink. This is so much fun. Here I am a grown man, bravest of the brave, dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one….making up a song about myself and my life of dragon slaying. But then who else could make up a song about someone such as I? I think none. And so it is my responsibility to do so and I have, or perhaps I will. But only “will” if I think of more lines. The lines I have seem appropriate for a song and perhaps none more need to be added. And again into deep thought he goes.
Half asleep, Sir Butt shakes his head with wonderment as if someone smacked him upside the head with a flattened hand. Another line to the song has struck his being! How can this be? But it is not about Sir Butt, it is a line about his steed! Indeed! His steed!
“And riding head long into the dragons Fire, Something welcomes the dragons Ire:”
Now hold on here folks! Why would a song about Sir Butt and his gallantry and bravery and all of the other “ry” words abounding include the use of his steed? Could it be that Something is signaling through Sir Butts loins his own thoughts about the song Sir Butt is making up and saying that this song needs to say something about Something? Another HMMMMM is in order here. He is a pretty crafty horse as we have come to know, and it seems that Sir Butt’s thoughts and lines for the song have omitted him. Sir Butt thinks for a moment. And a moment is enough! Of course this song of mine should include my trusty steed Something! For if it were not for Something, I would be fighting these deadly creatures on foot and you know how I despise being on foot. I am always astraddle my trusty steed in battle! (A very good sentence that has escaped Sir Butt, he could have probably used it in his song, but he did not notice the rhyme…go ahead…go back and read that last sentence again). And of course he needs recognition in my song. I like this line! But from where did it come? I know not. But lets dissect it for one moment: And riding head long into the dragons fire……Something welcomes the dragons Ire……..
Something will turn on a farthing and ride headlong into the face of the fire breathing dragon on his own accord. At times causing Sir Butt some tense moments if he is not ready for such a turn. But he does so, because he knows exactly what the dragon is about to do. He knows a dragons “burn time” and he also knows a dragons “breath draw” time. Something is truly a steed of steeds and deserves all the credit due a steed of his caliber. And so, Sir Butt recognizes the need to have Something mentioned in his song, but only once mind you, because he already has a song about him. And Sir Butt says to himself, this is a good line as well and it too should be included in my song.
And so it goes, as they plod along on the trail to who knows where they are going. A rambling to Point B for which neither horse nor rider know that destination. I suppose this is ok to do, because there appears no dangers in the area and the travelers are going and coming at will. At least we must assume that is the case as none are meeting up with Sir Butt and Something along this trail. They have not met anyone since the meeting with Good Nuff the night before.
Sir Butt is still thinking hard about the song and has concluded that Something and the mention of him in his song should be included when again as if magic another line belches from his mouth without any control on his part.
“With victory around the Bend, Sir Butt wins out in the End”.
OOOOOOOOOO! Exclaims Sir Butt, this is another good one! I love it when I win! I always win and with winning comes the desire to win more and more and more. I have not met a dragon that did not lay slain at my feet whenst I departed. Even the closest of close calls I have had, ended with the dragon deceased! Was I a happy knight? A happy knight indeed I was! Around every bend, I win in the end. I really like that line and it too needs to be included in my song. This song could be a top 10 for sure. But then as Sir Butt says that, he realizes there are only maybe 9 other songs that are being sung in Common Ground at this time, and one of them is the one he made up about Something. HMMMMM. With that another spew of words beckon from his mouth, without any holding them back.
“The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow”.
Of course Cache has to be mentioned in my song! And this too is a good line. Caches Blow! I like it! The ever so sharp blade, the blade that never dulls and is harder than any rocks found in Common Ground, except of course those found that were smitten and melted and made into Caches blade from the mines of Metalurgy. The fiercest of the fierce will know just how sharp Cache is when it is brought down upon them, slicing pieces like nothing else. Cutting through the thick scales of a dragons ever so thick neck like it was nothing. Yes this is a good thing to have in my song! And so it was! And is.
Sir Butt is very happy that his song is proceeding so well at this point in time. His thoughts are all within his own being and to ask him if he has seen anything along the trail would be like asking a mole if he has seen any light lately. Sir Butt can only see the lines of his song being displayed in his own head like a neon light (which, by the way, has not been invented yet, but you get the point). As Something goes slowly along, Sir Butt is as if he is in a dream land of some sort. Nothing but nothing is going through his mind except his song. When will the song end? At this point it is anyones guess. Sir Butt could probably write a song that never ended and that would be just fine with him. But we all know to sing a song that never ended would be a curse to the singer. This song must have an end, but when? Is the last line the one that ends it? Time will tell. (4)
TRAVELERS ARE MET
Plodding along the trail Sir Butt and Something round a bend in the trail and up ahead he sees some travelers coming their way. They have just broken their camp from the night before and are packing their animals for the next leg of their journey to their Point B. As Sir Butt and Something approach them they stop their busy tasks of packing and come to the trails edge to greet them in common Common Ground fashion.
“YO HO”! Cries out one of the travelers. “YO HO”! Cries out Sir Butt as he halts the progress of Something and dismounts. With greetings of hand shakes and hugs, they proceed with their discussion. One of the travelers, a man, asks Sir Butt the all important question. “And whom do we have the pleasure to be meeting this fine day”? “I am Sir Butt, the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of dragon slayers, the bravest of the brave”. Answered Sir Butt, “And to whom am I speaking”? He went on. “My name is ‘Happin Stance’ and this is my good friend ‘Happy Camper’. We come from our Point A over there,” (and with a point and a low arc he points to their Point A). “I see”, says Sir Butt, you have not traveled long from your Point A. “Yes we have not traveled far, for it was last evening in the tavern of our Point A that we first met. We were enjoying much merriment and suddenly we woke up here and have been good friends ever since”. Said Happin Stance. “Oh, so you two just met, like last night I presume, and you spent the night together.” Said Sir Butt. “That is correct sir, Sir Butt”. Said Happin Stance. Then Happy Camper chimed in with a very sweet voice like that of a princess, “And I am so very happy we did”. Said she. “And where art thou Point B”, asked Sir Butt. “We were just thinking we probably should venture back to our Point A, as that is where we both live. And we were just talking about this being our Point B from last evening and now should be our Point A of the day with our Point B being where from we came last evening” Said Happin Stance. “I see”. Said Sir Butt “And a good decision it is, as the two of you look as if you could use a good cleaning up and perhaps an ail or two”. Happy Camper is adjusting her clothing to a straighter demeanor and Happin Stance is shuffling his feet in the dirt of the side of the path.
Happin Stance asks Sir Butt, “I have heard of you Sir Butt. Aren’t you the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the bravest of the brave in all of Common Ground”? “Why yes I am”. Answered Sir Butt, “But that is how I introduced myself just a few moments ago, and is that why you are asking me this question? Are you questioning my own self with your question?” “NO, NO”! Replied Happin Stance, “That is not the case at all. I have heard of you over many mugs of ail for several years. You are the one who makes our travels safe in all of Common Ground. It is you who slay the dragons and rid the land of evil. It is you who we owe so very much for our safe haven”. “So right you are my good man”. Answered Sir Butt. And then Happy Camper said, “Oh, Sir Butt, it is too bad I did not meet you before I met Happin Stance. You and I could be standing here side by side”. “But that is not the case my dear Happy Camper. I must bid you both a fond ado. I have bigger dragons to slay than to stay”. Responded Sir Butt as he mounted up and waved goodbye to his new traveling friends.
Travelling along, Sir Butt thinks about the two he just left and thought how odd that they would ride out of town just a short ways and camp. Very odd in his mind that two people would do such as that. Oh well, I guess that is what they had to do at that time. So much for supporting the local Inn trade.
“Yo! Sir Butt”! Came a cry from the side of the road. Sir Butt pulls hard on the reigns of Something and brings him to an abrupt halt. As he turns toward the voice on his right, he sees far off the side of the road and into the trees a few yards his good friend Sir Clanks ALot! He turns Something toward the good man and rides into his small camp. “Well, well, well”. Says Sir Butt, “Imagine seeing you in this part of Common Ground my good friend. What brings you here pray tell”? “You are looking very well, Sir Butt”. Says Sir Clanks ALot as he continued. “Have you heard of the contest to be held in the village of Jouster”? “Contest?” Questions Sir Butt. “I have not heard of any contest. Tell me more my good friend”. Sir Clanks Alot begins, “I have been thinking about you for many days journey, Sir Butt, about you being at the contest and was hoping our paths would cross. Some say that what you think about will expand, and my thinking about you has done that very thing”. Continuing, he added, “And with you in the contest it will be a hard one for me to even compete and win. In fact, I don’t think I will have a chance in Common Ground to even make a showing with you in it”.
Sir Butt responds by saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in any contest. After all he has the safety of the travelers of Common Ground to think about and that to take time out for a contest just might put travelers in peril. Sir Clanks ALot says that he has perused all of the areas that normally house evil dragons and that none exist. He even went on to say, “I have a firm belief Sir Butt that the dragons of Common Ground have ALL been slayed by thou and that there are none left in all of Common Ground. You have made them extinct, Sir Butt and therefore are without a job. This contest would pay you dearly and perhaps then you could settle down like all other good men in Common Ground”. “I beg to differ”, began Sir Butt, “Have you heard about the latest slaying of a three headed fire breathing dragon in the Narrows”? “Why, No I have not”. Responded Sir Clanks ALot. “I didn’t think you had”, Said Sir Butt, “Usually I hear from the local taverns about your inquiry when the word gets out about my latest slaying. I had not heard of any inquiry on your part my good friend. You say you visited all of the local dragon lairs and have seen none, but you only go where it is safest to travel, whilst I, on the other hand, seek out the perilous spaces that only a demon dragon would care to lurk”. Explained Sir Butt, as he went on, “And to cause all of the dragons in Common Ground to become extinct would be impossible. They reproduce like none other in all imaginations combined. The only way they could become extinct would be for the entirety of Common Ground to become obliterated all at once. Another thing that would never happen in all imaginable imaginings”. Sir Clanks ALot responded with, “Well, my good friend, so you have not caused your own undoing and still have good work to keep you going for all of the good of Common Ground. Now let’s talk about this contest some more”. (5)
SIR BUTT LISTENS TO SIR CLANKS ALOT
“Sir Butt, If I may”. Began Sir Clanks ALot. “This contest is one in which you could probably be the best candidate to win. It is an individual contest, where you do your best at the task at hand and a group of judges will pick the winners and the losers after each event. A rather simple thing, that extends over a period of several days. I hear that some of the best in all of Common Ground have already put their shields into the ring and are voiciously challenging all comers. You NEED to be one of them. After all you say you are the best of the best, the bravest of the brave! Show us your stuff Sir Butt. Enter into this contest”.
“And when is this contest to be held”? Asked Sir Butt. “One week after the next full moon, my good man”. Responds Sir Clanks ALot. “Well, that gives me some time to think about it”. Says Sir Butt. “But as for now, I have a dragon lair I must check out before I decide. It is near Jouster village. But, Sir Clanks ALot, do not for one instance think that I am accepting the challenge of this contest. I have more important things to do and that is to keep safe the traveling paths of travelers going from their Points A to their Points B and all Points in between. That is my number one obligation to the people of Common Ground. That is why I carry Cache in My Account. And that is why I ride the most trusty and brave steed in all of Common Ground as well”. And as Sir Butt finishes this statement, Something paws at the ground and shakes his head up and down as if in agreement.
“Well, Sir Butt, it sounds as if you will at least consider the contest”, said Sir Clanks ALot as he continued, “And I certainly hope to see you there. It will be my privilege to try and beat you at the events and I am quite certain I can. Even with your Cache and your Account and your steed”. “AHH, my good fellow”, began Sir Butt, “I sense a challenge from you. And even if I do not compete, should I show, I shall offer you an ail bet that you will lose to whomever you are challenging”. “You are on, my good friend”. Responded Sir Clanks ALot. “Well, it is off I go to wherst I must go”. Said Sir Butt. And he turned Something around and waved goodby to his good friend Sir Clanks ALot.
Sir Butt makes Something head in the direction of the dragons lair, their next Point B. As they travel along with nothing else happening Sir Butt again turns his thoughts to the song he was making up about himself. Now let’s recap what the song says thus far. Have you any clue as to what the song says to this point? I thought that by now you would have forgotten that Sir Butt was making up a song. But I must remind you that should this appear in literature books being taught by teachers in the future, you will have to know not only the words to this song, but how to sing it as well. So, that being said, you probably should begin to take notes and highlight these important parts. (6)
THE SONG GOES ON
Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot. The man who knows so Much, makes your path safe to Touch. Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed. The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand. And riding head long into the dragons Fire, Something welcomes the dragons Ire. With victory around the Bend, Sir Butt wins out in the End. The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow.
Ahhh, thinks Sir Butt. This song has a ring to it that just resounds of my very being. I am so cleaver with my choice of words and rhymes; perhaps I should add “the cleverest of the clever” to my announcement when I greet new people along the byways of Common Ground. I think I will add it. After all, I am the bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the keenest of the keen and the cleaverest of the clever, along with the all knowledgeable one. None can compete with me in any of those factors.
Then his mind quickly goes to the contest that Sir Clanks ALot talked about. And he thinks to himself, Since I am all of the things that make me Sir Butt, why would I not compete in this contest at Jouster? I am the hands down winner at all that I do. This would be an easy task to undertake and I could still have time to make certain the paths about Common Ground are safe for travel. I could put some coinage into my pockets and buy ail for all of my friends. Of course, all of my ail is given to me for my services to the persons of Common Ground as it is. Perhaps my coinage could be used to begin my own village of Buttingham. I must continue to think about it.
Sir Butt finds himself leaning quite hard against the back of Somethings neck as it dawns on him another line for his song.
“And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold.”
Now where in Common Ground did that line come from? He asks himself. I am a bold one. Actually the boldest of the bold ones. I like that line very much indeed and so it will be a part of the song! And so the story told, shows Sir Butt is very bold! Oh my, am I not cleaver? Yes, I am the cleaverest of the cleaver ones, did I not say that before? And then Sir Butt says out load and directs his voice into Somethings ear…”How do you like that line, Something, my trusty steed”? But Something does nothing more than continue to plod along at his slow gait toward their Point B, the dragons lair. (7)
NEARING THE DRAGONS LAIR
After several days of plodding along and no new lines coming into Sir Butt’s head about his song. He has resounded himself to the fact that he now has his song figured out and so he begins the arduous task of putting the rhyming words into some semblance of a musical masterpiece. He starts perhaps a bit high on the scale as he begins singing the song to himself and then humming other parts. Then he would start the song over and this time would begin with low notes and raise the octave a bit as he sang the words. Nothing he did seemed to actually make him swell up inside and believe in the words of the song. The words were definitely him, it was his song, but a song without melody and only rhyme.
His mind begins to wander to just why he is where he is at this time. I am here because it is my choice to be here and looking for the dangers that just might render others of their chance to enjoy their lives here in Common Ground. I am here by my own choice. I have my Cache, my Account and my Good Steed, Something. What more is there than to use my assets to make a safe journey for others. Having thought this, another line to his song suddenly flashes before his eyes and he blurts out the words.
“From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel”.
“Did I just say those words”? He asked himself out loud. From Wherest are these words coming from? Am I being guided to say such as this from some superior power? Where ever they are coming from I am liking them. From his steed he makes safe the paths of gravel! For sure, I am on my steed Something and am riding down a path of dirt and gravel. My trusty steed keeps me informed of eminent dangers at all times as we plod slowly along. I might see what might be a danger coming up, but Something always has the final say as to it being danger or not. If he shrinks even the tiniest bit, I know there is some danger in whatever it is ahead. And of course if it is danger I must take care of it as I see fit and make the trail safe for those who are also traveling along this path. I really think this line needs to be included in my song.
And so it is, and so it goes without saying, Sir Butt is putting together quite the song about himself, if I do say so myself, which I just did. Sir Butt has quite the song. But is this last line the last line, or are there more lines to come? We do not know at this time, or do we? Sir Butt is a happy guy as he again tries to put music to his rhythmic lines. His total thought is buried in this process, when suddenly without warning, Something begins to shrink between his legs.
Alert now to eminent danger somewhere near by, Sir Butt draws Cache from His Account and halts the progress of Something. He is looking left and right for any sign of whatever has Something shrunken so. The forest around them is deathly silent. It is mid day and yet it seems rather dark because of the spot they are within the forest area. The trees are not so high, as the surrounding rock cliffs. But the cliffs are quite a distance away from the path on either side of them. Sir Butt, heels Something and they begin a slow walk forward. He is looking for any movement that would indicate a dragon laying in wait along side the trail. The last thing Sir Butt wants right now is to become dragon char. Sir Butt’s worst fear is not to be toasted and become dragon food, but the fact that Cache would not be effected by the dragons fire and it would lay In the trail for someone else to come across and possess. Would that person be a good person or an evil person. Cache is ever sharp, ever quick to slice and stab. In the wrong hands Cache could be used as an evil doers doer.
Suddenly two dragon heads appear from the sides of the trail, one on each side and directly across from each other. Inches away from Somethings legs one is snapping at Something with a fierce snapping while the other is attacking from higher up toward Sir Butt’s thigh. Sir Butt swings Cache down toward the dragons head on his right and lops off it’s head with one mightly blow. The second one now has his teeth deeply planted into Sir Butts Account and is pulling hard toward the earth. Across his chest comes Cache and sweeping from just over Somethings left ear, Cache swipes out and down and severs yet another dragons head! “Lesser Dragons”! Cries out Sir Butt. “Where there are two, there are more! Stand fast Something! When I signal your move, begin your spin”! (8)
LESSER DRAGONS ARE EVERYWHERE
The smell of the eeking fluids from the two slain dragons begins to spread along the side of the trail. Suddenly all of the brush on either side of the path is moving. There are dragons coming from both sides toward the stinking smell of the fluids. Several dragon heads can be seen as they make their way toward the trail. Sir Butt counts, ”One, two, three, four, five, eight, twelve. Wholly Common Ground Something, there are a bunch of them”! The dragons are inching their way toward the two travelers in the middle of the trail. Sir Butt calls out “Begin your dance, Something, begin your dance”! And at that Something begins to pick up each hoof high and prance in a circle, spinning slowly at first and picking up speed with every set down of a hoof. Sir Butt is seeing every dragon that is coming out of the forest line along side the trail one by one and as they get close enough to almost bite Something , he lowers Cache upon its neck and off goes its head. Only to have more eeking fluid causing the gravel to become slicker. Something begins to spin around faster and faster as more dragon heads are coming out of the brush. Cache is being traded at alarming rates. First the rate is high and then the rate is low and each time it hits a head, another dragon goes under. Something begins to spin even faster now and Sir Butt only has to hold Cache down near the ground and with Something’s spinning momentum the heads are being severed as Cache contacts the beasts necks. Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop. And then no more whops for the longest time. Something begins to slow his spinning and both Sir Butt and Something realize there are no more Lesser Dragons coming out of the forest. They have defeated them! And taken all of them out to lunch!
As Something slows his spinning, he also realizes he is in a very precarious spot, the gravel is so very slick from the eeking fluids he is having a very difficult time staying on his hooves and keeping his feet under him. Suddenly all four hooves come out from under him and down he goes with Sir Butt right there sliding in the oozing eeking fluids of 50 to 100 Lesser Dragons dead bodies.
Soon the two of them are laying there motionless in the eeking fluids. Sir Butt puts his right foot on Somethings back and because the eeking fluids are so very slick he is able to push Something off his left leg with ease. Since no more danger of dragons is around them, he puts Cache back into His Account and attends to Something. Something is looking as if dazed by the whole event that has just happened and is rightfully so…. dizzy. Soon Sir Butt sees Somethings eyes are beginning to slow their movement in a circle motion and then Something blinks once, then twice and gets himself gathered up and standing.
“Something.” Says Sir Butt, as he holds his steed by the lower jaws, one hand on each side, “You are quite the steed indeed! Without your maneuvering in the manner that you did, we both could have been dragon fodder. Those Lesser Dragons really meant business, and now, with your excellent help, they are gone forever from this part of Common Ground. We did slay the whole lot. And this part of the trail will be safe to travelers for a long, long time. Of course it will be slick through here until the eeking fluids dry from the sun shine and the reeking bodies of all of these dead dragons rot and dry up as well. At least the travelers will see that we took care of a big issue in these parts! Come on Something, I will walk by your side until we are out of this eeking fluid mess”. And out of the mess they waded. (9)
BACK ON THE TRAIL TO POINT B
Riding slowly along with the mess of the battle just a little ways behind them, Sir Butt says aloud to Something. “I must get back with my dragon master instructors and let them know about the Lesser Dragons. They taught me that where there was one, there were always about 10 more somewhere close by, but never did they tell me I might encounter hundreds at one location. And besides, they also failed to mention the stinking eeking fluids that would run out of their severed headed bodies. I am sure that is not a built in defense item on their part. Something, we must find a water source very soon. We look and reek of the stench of what we were just sliding in”. And he turned Something toward a flowing river, with a small water fall. Both of them submerged themselves into the water for several hours to rid themselves of the awful stench.
Settling in for the night along side the river, Sir Butt is recalling the events with the dragons and how Something had once again made himself invaluable to the defeating of those dragons. How could he alone have dealt with that many dragons without his trusty steed? Of course he would not have been able to do it, that is why Something is his trusted steed. Trusted to know exactly what to do and when to do it. And once again Sir Butt begins to hum aloud the song he made up for his trusty steed, Something.
“Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs. He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride. Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise”.
The next morning after a cup of hot lamb broth and dry bread, they are once again headed for their Point B, the dragons lair.
Along the way, Sir Butt again falls to his thoughts of the day before and the battle with the Lesser Dragons and how Something made an almost impossible defeat, into a victory. What a horse and of course what a Sir Butt. Cache played his part well as did His Account in its own way. At least the dragon had a firm hold on His Account and not his leg or the leg of Something. So they seem to be working quite well as a total team. Something, Sir butt, Cache and His Account. What more could a dragon slayer of dragon slayers want or need? What more could the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the cleaverest of the cleaver be without?
Again at that moment of thought, another line of Sir Butts song bounces forth and is spewed from Sir Butt’s mouth, without prompt or thought.
“Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”.
That’s It! It must be the end of the song! The last line of verse! Fear not fair maiden as you travel to your Point B. That is is! Sir Butt is grinning from ear to ear and his buttocks is tight as well. He has created what he wanted to create. A song about himself that tells everyone what his purpose is and that he is a brave guy, a smart guy, a handsome guy (well it doesn’t mention handsome, but who could be ugly and do what he does to help others out?), a guy with a great steed and a sharp sword. Need we say more? This is his song! And now for all of the words that make it up.
“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot. The man who knows so Much, makes your path safe to Touch. Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed. The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand. And riding head long into the dragons Fire, Something welcomes the dragons Ire. With victory around the Bend, Sir Butt wins out in the End. The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow. And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold. From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel. Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”. (10)
ON THE BRINK OF THE DRAGONS LAIR
Sir Butt is so very pleased to know he has completed the words to his song. Now all that is left is the music and it will be done and he can sing it to his heart content. And as time goes by, others will learn the words and they too will sing it long and loud, and soon it will be echoing across all of Common Ground like background music to everyones everyday life. Everyone in Common Ground will be listening and enjoying the music day in and day out. What a wonderful and pleasant thought.
On a side note: Have you ever had one of those songs run through your head and you just can’t seem to shake it? Of course you have. Can you imagine this song about Sir Butt and all of his good deeds and slaying of evil playing over and over in your head and out of your head day in and day out? Everyone humming and singing it everywhere you go? Would this work in todays world? Would it work in Sir Butt’s world? Would the birds too pick up on the tune and chirp it when they awaken in the morning? Would it transform an otherwise perfect balance of man and nature into an insane humming singing monstrosity of a world? Well, probably not, mostly because people do have choices and most would not chose to learn this song, nor have it taught to their children.
Sir Butt and Something are getting quite near their Point B. The last time Sir Butt was at this point there was a very fierce battle between two three headed dragons that he witnessed ensue and the victor of that battle charcoaled the other and munched it with great zeal. Sir butt wanted to see what would become of the losing dragon and he let the whole scene play out before he engaged the victor and slayed it. At the time, Sir Butt thought that having the ability to create a great amount of fire and heat might be a very useful tool to have to mop up the conditions after he had slayed a dragon. Afterall, burning the slayed dragon into a pile of carbon would eliminate the odoriferous mess that takes months and years to get rid of.
This time, as they approach the edge of the dragons lair, Something just plods along like he had been doing since the encounter with the Lesser Dragons a few days ride back. There were no dangers in the dragons lair. Sir Butt is happy AND sad about this situation. The next place there might be any form of danger would be completely across to the other side of Common Ground. He also knows that there are little dragons growing up in between, but they do not become a danger to travelers until the mother of the dragon den kicks the little ones out, which makes them all mad and such and makes them seek out a means to get even. If the mothers would just continue to nurture the little beasts none of this trouble would be around. But NO! Gotta kick them little SOD’s out! (Sons of Dragons).
Now you might ask, are there any girl dragons? Yes! Otherwise there would be no mother dragons. Are girl dragons a problem? Yes! And what might a girl dragon problem be? They mate with the obnoxious boy dragons that are out causing problems along the trails at night (and in the day), and have baby dragons. (11)
SIR BUT GOES TO THE CONTEST
With Sir Butt being so very close to the village of Jouster, he decides he has made safe the trail leading between Points A and Points B, he might as well take a break from the norm and go at least see the contest unfold. And so it is, he departs from his Point A, the dragons lair, and makes his new Point B, the village of Jouster.
Jouster is just a small village, but the ones living there have big hearts. They love it when visitors come around and they show off their talents in many ways. It never rains in Jouster, the weather is perfect in every way. And with that, the villagers can plan parties and always know there will never be an issue with weather spoiling their plans. Couple the weather with their desires to entertain and what do you have, ONE CONTINUOUS PARTY! This time, the party that is ending will culminate into an opening celebration of the next party which is coming up. A rather normal, to them, tradition. People travel from the very far reaches of Common Ground to attend functions at Jouster and this event is no different. Thousands of folks will be here for this event and the villagers are ready for all. Every one in the village is involved in this contest. It will be a wonderful event and one that will be talked about until at least the next party begins.
Sir Butt travels the short distance to Jouster in just a day or two and arrives just in time to have an ail in the tavern. What time is just in time to have an ail? Whenever you arrive in any village in Common Ground is the right time for an ail in the local tavern. And this is no different. Sir Butt tethers Something outside, side steps the droppings of other steeds and enters the tavern.
As his eyes are adjusting to the darkened conditions of the tavern he hears a familiar voice calling his name from within. “Sir Butt, Sir Butt, Please joins us for a mug of ail”! And as he is able to see into the darkness, who does he see calling his name? None other than Happy Camper! “Hello Happy Camper”. Says Sir Butt. “Hello Sir Butt, you handsome man you”. Says Happy Camper. “Please let me get you an ail”, she goes on, “And then let’s hear your latest adventure”. As she get up to get a mug of ail, over to the table comes her friend Happin Stance. “Well, good day to you Sir Butt”. Says Happin Stance. “What brings you to this fair village”? He asked. “I came to watch the contest”. Answered Sir Butt. “Watch indeed! You mean “enter “ the contest do you not”? Spoke Happin Stance. “I have not decided”. Responded Sir Butt, “But I did decide to watch it.” He added.
“Here is your ail, all chilled just like they do it in Metalurgy, Sir Butt”. Said Happy Camper as she set the mug on the table in front of Sir Butt. “Thank you”! Sir Butt responded. And Sir Butt proposed a toast to the three of them meeting once again. As they each set their mug on the table, Sir Butt asked, “What are the two of you doing here in Jouster”? Happin Stance said, “We are here to enter into the contest. We have every belief that we will win and will reap the rewards of the coinage and it will help in starting our new life together”. “Oh, I see”. Said Sir Butt, “And I wish you both the best. Not only with this contest , but with the rest of your lives together”. “Thank you my good man”! Responded Happin Stance. Happy Camper just blushed.
They all finished their mugs of ail, without much more discussion and then Sir Butt ordered the three of them another cold mug. “I wonder” started Sir Butt, “How did the word get clear over here to Jouster about the chilled ail in the tavern at Metalurgy”? Happy Camper piped in with, “They heard about it because this is the partying place in all of Common Ground and with partying, comes the drinking of ail and much merriment. Chilled ail is the thing that all the village taverns are turning to these days. You will find it in nearly all the taverns in Common Ground these days. Sir Butt, you really need to get off the trail more often and into the villages”. “It sounds like that is something I should do more often”. Responded Sir Butt.
Sir Butt had wondered a little about Happy Camper and her past and he just had to ask her about it. We all know that the mother of a child names her female children, while the father names the male children. So Sir Butt does ask her about her past and how she got her name. She responded by saying. “Well, thank you for asking Sir Butt. My mothers name was also Happy, and she wanted my name to be Happy as well. And so that is why my first name is Happy. My grandfather on mothers side was a Hooker, and he worked very hard in the mines owned by Sir Clanks ALot. When mother got to be of age, she met a man she fell deeply in love with and the whole town loved the fact that the two of them were going to get married. His name was John ConMan. Mother just called him “My John”. Mother so did love that man, but they never had any children and he passed away while building a prison for undesirables in Common Ground. At least that is what I was told. Later on my mother met another man and they married and had me, their only child. My fathers name is Alright Camper”. And then Sir Butt interrupted her. “Ok, let me get this straight. Your grandfather was a Hooker, so your mother is named Happy Hooker. She married “Her John”, the ConMan, who died in prison and then she married your father Alright Camper and that is how you came about the name of Happy Camper. Is that correct?” “Yes”. She responded proudly. “And then,” again went Sir Butt, “You are going to marry this man and you will then be Happy Stance”. “Right again, Sir Butt”. She said. (12)
THE CONTEST
As the three of them sat sipping cold ail in their mugs, the conversation turned to the contest that would begin in a day or two. The current celebration had to end first and then theirs could begin. In the meantime, there were those visitors who were there in the village for the current party and others filtering in for the next party. The village was hopping to say the least and it seemed like most everyone knew someone who was there for the contest. Young and old alike were calling out their abilities to win the contest and it was getting to be quite confusing to Sir Butt.
From what Sir Clanks ALot had told him he thought this whole contest thing was about showing your abilities to swing a sword, throw an ax, ride a steed at fast paces and in general show off your manly abilities at slaying dragons and defending yourself from harms way. But what he was hearing was young and old folks from all walks of life bragging about what they could and could not do to win this contest. The prize was a heap of coins, enough to start a family off on the right foot, as in the case of Happin and Happy, or to build a dream such as a new village. Sir Butt just had to ask.
“Tell me Happin, what is this contest all about anyway”? Asked Sir Butt. “We thought you knew, Sir Butt”, he responded, “Well it’s a talent contest and a fun one at that. First off every contestant is given a time to perform their worst talent. Then the judges will evaluate all of the events and rank them the best of the worst, to the worst of the worst. The best of the worst is really the worst of the worst, because the talent will be totally lacking in all respects. While the Worst of the worst is really the Best of the Worst, because there will be some talent showing during the performance, which is something no one wants to see. When that contest is completed, there will be an all talent contest in which the entrants must prove they made up a song about anything they wish to sing about, and then they perform singing it. The judges will be judging on originality, clarity, and performance style as well as how well the song is sang. It’s all rather simple. And it is meant to be all for fun. The winner will have to win one of three places in both of the events in order to win any of the coinage given as prizes. Even the third place winner wins a huge amount of coinage. Enough to start a family I might add”.
“Wow, I’m not sure I have talents like these of which you speak”. Said Sir Butt. “Of course you do”! Came a voice over Sir Butt’s left shoulder. “Remember me? I listened to you attempting to sing the most horrid song in all of creation and you performed it perfectly. Perfectly in fact that that is the reason I have chosen to be here to listen to you perform such a horrid act again. I knew you would be here for this contest”. And with that Sir Butt turned and there standing beside him was, you guessed it, Mr. Good Nuff. (13)
SIR BUTT NEEDS TO MAKE UP HIS MIND
“Mr. Good Nuff”, said Sir Butt, “I never thought I would ever see you again. You left my camp the morning after I treated you to a fine supper and ventured on your way without waking me. Your journey was a long one, did you complete it”? He asked. “No, I did not, good Sir”. Said Good Nuff, “My colleagues in the quest to live off the land and prove what we wanted to prove all fell from the wagon and decided to become something else. I was a man like an island trying to prove something that nobody else wanted to hear about and so I too gave it up for the good times being had by all. And that is why I am here. To drink ail and merriment and become one with all of my good brothers and sisters in Common Ground”. “Well, Well”, said Sir Butt, “And with my friends acceptance, this is Mr. Good Nuff, and these fine folks are Happin Stance and Happy Camper. Please join us for a cold mug of ail”. And with greetings behind them, Mr. Good Nuff, joined them at their table and they partied until the wee hours of the morning.
Sir Butt awakened next to Something the next morning, and I might say he was a bit “under the weather”, but because the weather is never an issue in Jouster, one might surmise that Sir Butt had a bit too much party inside him. His first thought was a nice cold ail. And so after attending to Somethings needs, he wandered back to the tavern and ordered a cold ail. And then he had a pickled egg, a large dill pickle, a leg of a turkey, another pickled egg and another mug of cold ail. He was beginning to feel like himself again.
About that time, in came a person who had a very loud voice and announced to all in the tavern that the deadline to enter the contest was nearing and if there were any others wishing to enter they had to do it before the moon rose that evening. Sir Butt is still pondering the thought of entering the contest. He thinks to himself, Mr. Good Nuff thinks I have the right voice to enter and win the Best of the Worst contest, but in order to win the entire contest I would have to enter my own song into the contest and I have not thought of the music to put the words to. Besides, what if I can not sing my song and it comes out like another of the Best of the Worst?
Sir Butt is beside himself again. He gets this way when he is in a very uncertain state of mind. The Sir Butt next to him says to go ahead and enter. He is sure to win the entire contest. The Sir Butt within says to forget it and just listen and watch the others as they proceed through the contest. Play with them, or watch them? Play or Watch? Play or Watch? Play or Watch? Which shall it be? Sir Butt is beginning to talk to himself aloud and the man behind the bar, interrupts with…”Sir Butt, would you care for another ail? It seems you are talking to yourself in a very peculiar way and it is upsetting some of the others in this tavern”. “Oh!” Says Sir Butt, “Why yes, I’ll have another ail. Thank you my good man”.
Sir Butt is sipping his third ail by this time and his head is beginning to spin some, and then he decides of course he can win this contest. He can do anything he puts his mind to doing! He is after all the best of the best, the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the cleverest of the clever ones. And he has the steed of steeds. Did I fail to mention he is the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers? He asks the man behind the bar where the contest sign up place was and was directed to the stage area just outside the village meeting hall.
As Sir Butt approaches the stage area he is greeted by Mr. Good Nuff, who has been waiting patiently for Sir Butt to arrive. “I knew you would be along shortly, Sir Butt”. Said Good Nuff. “I am here to cheer you on my good man, even though you will not need the support, your voice will make the others in the contest quiver and shake and cause them to vomit their words out and disgust the judges into disqualifying them on the spot”. Sir Butt responds with, “Your words of encouragement should not be so profound Mr. Good Nuff, I might show you what I just had for breakfast myself, right here, right now”! “Oh, I am sorry, Sir Butt”, said Good Nuff, “I did not know you had just eaten”.
Sir Butt approaches the panel and signs his name to the list of contestants. He is issued a number, which is the place at which he is to stand on the stage and sing his Best of the Worst entry. He is then given a set of the instructions rolled in a scroll and told not to be late to any of the events or he will be automatically disqualified. He thanks them in a most gentlemanly way and steps aside for the next contestant to step up.
Back beside Mr. Good Nuff, Sir Butt invites him to the tavern in the center of the village for a cold mug of ail, which is kindly accepted, the two wander in that direction. (14)
SIR BUTT SEES WHICH NUMBER HE IS IN THE CONTEST
In the tavern and over a mug of ail, Sir Butt opens up his packet of information and in it reveals his place at the stage for the Best of the Worst singing contest. “OH MY GOHD”! Cries out Sir Butt, “This can not be”! and he turns the card around with the number ONE on it and shows it to Mr. Good Nuff! “I am the first one to present my Best of the Worst entry in the contest! This calls for another ail”! Mr. Good Nuff is grinning from ear to ear, and says, “Sir Butt, you will win this contest hands down! The other contestants will be vying for positions 2 and 3 behind your Best of the Worst entry. I assure you your voice will cause them to vomit meals they ate two days ago, and hold their ears from the pain. And they will be passing out with utter disgust and agony at your presentation and I predict the judges themselves will be rolling big balls of disgusting fluids from their own mouths and be unable to dissertain any of the words you are going to so horribly be trying to sing. I too, will most likely be puking my guts forth and have to restuff them back into their origin at the sounds you will belch forth….”. As Mr. Good Nuff is telling Sir Butt all of this, Sir Butt is staring right into Good Nuffs face from about a foot away, unsure what is about to happen and as Good Nuff is espousing his restuffing his own guts back into his own body, Sir Butt Ralphs up a huge ball of green and yellow and foam and white chunks and brown chunks and more foam, right down the front of Mr. Good Nuff. Quite a disgusting site I might add. ( I’ll be right back).
Hours pass and Sir Butt awakens in the stall where Something is standing. Sir Butt is wondering just how he got there and then decided that perhaps when he hurled his breakfast up, that he was ushered out of the tavern to sleep off his still groggy self. At least that is what his mind tells him has happened. But it wasn’t his fault, it was Mr. Good Nuff, offering all of the suggestive gestures of the others listening to his singing in the contest and that upset Sir Butt beyond his already being upset that he is the first one to be on the stage for the Best of the Worst contest portion. “Not my fault”! Cries out Sir Butt.
Something is looking down at Sir Butt as if he was saying, You Sir Butt are a most disgusting person at this moment. You cared enough to get me food and water earlier, but you have not combed my being, nor even cared that I have been out for a walk and relieved myself of my every day conditions. Sir Butt, could read Somethings mind and pulled himself up and lead Something out of town and into the forest for a walk. (15)
SIR BUTT IS NUMBER ONE
Sir Butt is walking along with Something in the forest while trying to regain his composure and figure out just what is about to happen the next day when the contest begins. He keeps repeating “I’m number one. I’m number one. I’m number one”. And then he stops and places his right index finger into the air about the height of his right ear and says aloud, “I AM NUMBER ONE! Do you hear me Something? I am number one! I have always been number one in my book, why should this be any different? I am number one! I am the best of the best, the bravest of the brave, the cleaverest of the cleaver, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers , the all knowledgeable one, I am number one”!
And so Sir Butt and his nerves are calmed once again. He was frazzled beyond frazzled when he first saw his position in the contest. Even more frazzled than lopping off the heads of over a hundred Lesser Dragon in one battle. That sort of thing he is used to, but not in a singing contest. He has never been in a singing contest ever before and now will be the first for him and he is Number One! Can he handle the pressure? Of course he can! Do you doubt Sir Butt’s abilities at such a contest as this? He has never entered a contest such as this before and he has mentally accepted the challenge, just as he would have accepted a jousting contest against the biggest of the big jousters in all of Common Ground. His ego has risen beyond belief as he once again say out loud…”I AM NUMBER ONE”!
And so, after Something has relieved himself and is back in good graces with Sir Butt in every regard, they return to the stable, where Sir Butt over feeds Something, over waters him and combs his back, neck, tail and legs until they are nearly bleeding. And then Sir Butt announces to Something that he has got to return to the tavern for another ail and to apologize for his earlier actions. (16)
SIR BUTT APOLOGIZES
Upon entering the tavern the man behind the bar comes around to meet Sir Butt at the entry. Holding one hand up he announces that if he hurles one more time in that tavern that it would be his last and he would be forced to have Sir Butt removed not only from the tavern, but also from the village. Hurling is not allowed in this town and anyone caught hurling twice is automatically ousted from the village. Hurling is considered to be an act only by those who cannot hold themselves in high enough esteem to know when they have had enough of a “good time”, to stop and render themselves back to a more reality state of mind. The village is filled with all types of people during these festive times and they do not have any tolerance for those who cannot conduct themselves as do the villagers who live in the village and open it up to the entertainment of their guests and they expect their guests to behave much as themselves and are intolerant to the ignorance of not following the rules of the village etc., etc., etc. (I would say at this time, Sir Butt realizes he has been warned not to hurl again).
“My good friend tavern keeper”, began Sir Butt, “Please accept my deepest apology for my hurling actions earlier in this day. It is not my character to do such as that and I could explain what the circumstances were that caused me to do such as that, but you would not care to know I am certain. Therefore, please accept my apology and I promise not to hurl again within the confines of this establishment nor within the boundaries of this village”. “Apology accepted”. Said the tavern keeper. “Now would you like a nice cold mug of ail Sir Butt”? He asked. “Why, Thank you, I would”. Responded Sir Butt.
Sir Butt is given a cold mug of ail and the Tavern keeper and he begin to talk. Sir Butt says to him, “Thank you for informing me of the rules of this village. I had no idea that my actions would be so harmful to myself and to the citizens who live here. I am a better man for this”. “Your actions are like those of thousands who visit our village from time to time. Think nothing of it. I rather expect that this contest we are about to partake of, will have more than one person hurling in the streets. It always has that effect on people for some reason. I suspect it is the nerves in their stomachs and the tightness that comes from having to stand before hundreds of people and sing out in such an obnoxious manner that causes the muscles to contract and expand and contract and expand and brings up materials that are very deep in a persons bowels, perhaps even as far down and back as two or three days agos meals. Meals that should have been extradated by this time, but are being held by the ever so contricted lower bowels and because of the highly acidic nature of the decaying meals liquidating themselves back toward from whenst they have come that causes the person to hurl so very hard and so very much and the stentch that preceeds the hurling wafts from the backside of the persons nostrels and forward……Where are you going Sir Butt? I was just getting to the good part!!! Come back!!!
And Sir Butt saved himself from being asked to leave the village, as he ran the fastest mile race he ever ran, to clear himself from the boundaries of the village in time for the hurling to begin and he did not come back until he was sure his meals from three days prior were not with him any more. (17)
LET THE CONTEST BEGIN
At the sound of the rooster crowing the next morning, Sir Butt found himself again inside the tavern sipping on a cold ail. Preparing himself for the ordeal that he had signed up for, the Best of the Worst singing contest. As he is standing at the bar, in walks Mr. Good Nuff, Mr. Happin Stance and of course Happy Camper. They all slide up along side of Sir Butt and each in turn orders up a cold mug of ail.
“So, Sir Butt, I hear you entered the contest”. Said Happin Stance. “Yes I did and I am number one”. Replied Sir Butt, and then he continued with the question, “You did know I am number one, do you not”? “Absolutely, number one, Sir Butt”. Said Happy Camper. “We are here to support you in this contest and have ourselves opted out of the contest to not be competition to you”. She went on to say. “But what about your future with Happin Stance and all of your plans”? Asked Sir Butt. “We decided if we failed to win this contest then each of us would blame the other for the loss and we would not be able to live together after that. And so, we have chosen to go our separate ways”. She exclaimed. “Oh, that is not the way to be”. Replied Sir Butt. “But it must be this way”! Said Happin Stance in an excited way. “She would blame my being so in tune that we would be dead last in this first contest and not have any chance at the next level. And then if we did happen to make it to the next level, she would be so out of tune in that portion that I would blame her and we would fight the rest of our lives over and over and over again about this failure in our lives before our lives together had even begun. And so this must be the best decision we have made.” He concluded. “Well, that it is then”. Said Sir Butt “I shall not meddle in your business”.
“Mr. Good Nuff”, said Sir Butt, “I have not seen you since the day before yest, wherest were thou”? He asked. “Cleaning myself up from the awfulness of yourself, Sir Butt”. He responded. Sir Butt came back with ,“It was your own fault for your explanation of what people were going to do once this contest begins and you were so very vivid with your explanation that my mind took over and made me do it. It was not my fault, it was your own and you must take full responsibility for it”. “I can get rather focused on matters and do not realize the repercussions of what I am saying at times. Please accept my apology Sir Butt, It was my own fault”. Said Good Nuff. “Accepted”. Replied Sir Butt.
And now it was time to ready himself for the contest. Down to the stage the four of them went. The crowd was gathered in typical contest form. Hundreds of folks all drinking ail and whooping up a good time (Sort of like a modern day rendezvous). There were chants of “so and so being the best”, and so and so other was the best etc. and etc. Of course Sir Butt was of the mind set that he was and is the best and he would out wail even the best of the worst in this contest because he IS the better of the best in this contest and he was about to prove it.
The judges all assembled at the stage and quieted the crowd to a mild roar. “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The contest for the Best of the Worst is about to begin and we need to hear what is being attempted to be sang by each of these contestants. One of the rules of this village must be emphasized at this point. It has come to our attention that there are some among us who did not realize that hurling within the boundaries of this village was against the rules of the village. Let it be known that that is a rule here and it still stands. Any person who hurles twice while within the boundaries of this village shall be escorted out of the village. Should the hurler be a contestant they will be instantly disqualified and be asked to leave the village immediately. We also have been informed that one contestant, Mr. Sir Butt, has already hurled once in this village and is only allowed one more offence. Do you understand Sir Butt? Sir Butt, are you here”?
Sir Butt steps forward and announces himself. “I am Sir Butt. I do admit I did not know the rules of this fair village and I honor the rules of said same. I did in fact hurl the other day and I have apologized to those needing to be apologized to and been apologized by those others who needed to apologize to myself. That being said. Let the contest begin”!
The judge then went on: “Each contestant will swear before the judges that the song he or she is about to sing is one in which they themselves have thought the words and the melody up for. Second, each will sing the best way that can, that melody and make the song sound the worst of all the worst they can. This contest is judged for the Best of the Worst singing of a song. The panel of judges will decide who wins, who takes a second place and who will take the third place. All others are welcome to stick around and watch the rest of the contest and drink ail on the village at the tavern, or to leave, it is their digression. As for the judges, we feel you have paid your dues and you might as well enjoy the village and the free ail. After all it is just a contest. Once this contest is completed, we will have a rest until the next morning, at which time we will again bring the three winners of the Best of the Worst contest and they will produce and swear on the bible of Common Ground that they alone wrote the song they are about to sing, and then they will sing that song to the very best of their abilities. What that portion of the contest is all about is singing the very best of the very best they can. Again we judges will decide who wins first, second and third places. If a person wins first today and third tomorrow, they will average a second place. If a person wins third today and first tomorrow they too will average second place. If a person wins second today and first tomorrow they will average second with a bit of a plus on it. If a person wins second today and second tomorrow, they will average second place. Is this all perfectly clear contestants?”
Out of the crowd comes a voice, “What if I win First today and third tomorrow, what is my average”? The judge comes back with, “A first today and a third tomorrow, averages second with a bit of a minus on it. Are there any more questions”? The crowd is silent as they are all trying to figure out the scoring system, but the judge interrupts the silence with , “OK! Since there are no more questions let the contest begin”! And the crowd roars to life. Betting is beginning to be made in a very mad house fashion. Who is keeping track of the bets is anyone quess and it is my guess the man taking the money and saying to the betters and the bettees “yes!, yes!, Yes!” and will pocket the money no matter how the outcome of the contest goes and will enjoy the next few months sucking down free cold mugs of ail. (18)
SIR BUTT IS ON STAGE
A judge stands on the stage while the others take their seats and calls out. “Our first contestant is Sir Butt! Sir Butt is number one”! And the crowd cheers out “SIR BUTT!! SIR BUTT!! SIR BUTT!!!! And Sir Butt approaches center stage. “Sir Butt”, the judge begins, “What is the name of your song”? Sir Butt responds “SOMETHING”, and then continues, “I wrote this song in honor of my trusty steed who has the name of “Something””. The judge then interrupted, “And do you swear upon the bible of Common Ground that you and you alone did write this song”? “Yes, I am the one who thought up the words and put the words to the tune I am about to sing”! Answered Sir Butt. “And what are the words to this song you are about to sing”? Asked the judge. Sir Butt responded by saying these words:
“Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs. He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride. Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise”.
“AH HA”! Said the judge, “I have not heard these words before and so be it that this is an original song made up by Sir Butt and he is about to sing this song with all his heart and soul, the best of the worst way he can sing it. Belch it out at us Sir Butt, the stage is all yours”!
Sir Butt is quite nervous but deep down in his soul he knows he can sing this song the best of the worst of all the other contestants. He also knows that if he puts the right emphasis on some of the phrases that he can cause some of the contestants and maybe even a judge to hurl a time or two and get escorted out of the village. Sir Butt is a devious little devil some times. But then, we should expect this sort of thinking from him from time to time, after all he is the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and the cleaverest of all the clever ones .
Sir Butt gathers up all of the nerves of a truly gallant warrior. All of the confidence of a truly talented singer. All of the ”all of” of his very being and took a deep breath. The crowd suddenly went totally silent as if an omnipotent being is standing before them. They have stopped sipping on their mugs of ail and are standing there in total awww. Awaiting the arrival of the first baddest note of the song to arrive at their ears. Sir Butt begins:
“SOMETHINGGGG…” And the crowd cringes by tucking their chins into their necks and wincing their eyes. What a beautiful note for Sir Butt to begin this song with, every one in the crowd is hating this note. It is perfect. And he continues:
“SOMETHINGGGG IS MYYY TRUSSTYYY STEEEED,….”
Oh my goodness! The crowd is beginning to think this song is never going to end. Sir Butt is certainly belching this one out as if he wants to win hands down. And the crowd is hateing and loving it at the same time. Some of the ladies are beginning to cry. Sir Butt himself is noticing a slight movement of the crowd away from the stage area. This is a wonderful moment for Sir Butt as he goes on:
“SOMETHINGGGG IS MYYY TRUSSTYYY STEEEED, HEEE RRIDES BEETWEEEENNN MY THIIGHSS. HEEE SLOWWLYY SWINGS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND ISSS HHAPPYY FFORR A RIDE….”
Sir Butt is now noticing one of the judges squinched deep into his wooden bench seat and is trying his best not to show the pain he is enduring. The crowd has moved several steps back away from the stage and he even sees one of the far back on lookers hurling. He thinks to himself, I hope that is one of the contestants. The steeds and other animals that were tethered way back behind the crowd have all broken loose and are nowhere to be seen. Sir Butt thinks this just might be the most glorious day of his life and he is really getting into the song at this point. After all he is nearly half way through the song. Can he hang in there just a bit longer and really bring this crowd to their knees?
“SOMETHINGGGG IS MYYY TRUSSTYYY STEEEED, HEEE RRIDES BEETWEEEENNN MY THIIGHSS. HEEE SLOWWLYY SWINGS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND ISSS HHAPPYY FFORR A RIDE. SOMETHING MAYY GET SMALLER AS DANGERRSS DOO AARIISE, BUT PULLL HIISS REIGNS A LITTLE AND SOMETHING WILLL SSUURRPRRIISSE”.
As Sir Butt finishes the last note he bows to the crowd which has now moved more than half way back away from the stage to the tavern area, there are 10’s of people in the crowd hurling and several being escorted by village people out of the boundaries of the village. Even village people are seen hurling as they escort others away. What a tribute of all tributes this is for Sir Butt. He never thought he would ever be in a singing contest and now he has completed his first ever event. Sir Butt has done it! He finished the song and the crowd is so very pleased. They have removed their hands from their ears, they are starting to stand erect again. The grimaces on their faces are now turning to smiles to think the torture is over. They are sipping on their mugs of ail and beginning to yell out shouts of praise and glory for a job well done! Sir Butt is smiling and bowing all the time. And then he notices one of the judges is on the ground with a large amount of hurl around his head. He has hurled so long and hard he has passed out. Surely a sign of his placing a win or at least a third place in this contest! Sir Butt is pleased as punch with his performance.
And he should be! Afterall, like they say, the first one on stage sets the mark for all of the others. Can the others even come close. Sir Butt has really shown his showmanship in a very glorious way! Sir Butt! He is our man! Almost brings a tear to my eye as I write this. Such a brave man he is and talented too. (19)
MORE SING IN THE CONTEST
Sir Butt did in fact receive a standing ovation from the crowd, even the judges were standing. But then, nobody had seats except the judges and they had to stand in order for the villagers to remove the passed out judge laying there among the chairs. But everyone was cheering and clapping like never before. It was a site to see for sure and nobody in the village could ever remember such an act as they had just witnessed.
And so, with one less judge on the panel the remaining contestants had their turns at the stage. Sir Butt was allowed to leave or stay, his choice, and he chose to hit the local tavern for an ail. His voice was parched something fierce and he needed to wet it down. A cold mug of ail was just the ticket! The people within the tavern were really celebrating when Sir Butt arrived for his mug of ail. They all recognized him as the one who was giving it his all up on the stage and they welcomed him with mug after mug of cold ail. They were all hollering and calling Sir Butt the Very Best of the Worst singer they had ever heard. Most of them had been to this event many, many times and they were calling Sir Butt “THE LA BEST” at singing “THE WORST”! This made Sir Butt very proud, but he would not count his chickens (so to speak) until the judges had made their decision on his abilities.
About dark, word came to the tavern for Sir Butt to go back to the stage. The judges were about to announce the top three singers and they wanted all singers present or they would forfeit any chance at getting into the contest. We have all heard the statement, “Must be present to win”; well this was the first time that phrase had been used, ever. Sir Butt had had very many mugs of ail by this time and the celebration was still going on as he made his way to the stage area.
The judges were on the stage and called out for the three finalists to come to the stage. They announced that these three finalists were not being called up according to their ranking, 1 through 3, but rather by their first and last names in alphabetical order. The ranking would be announced when the three of them were up on the stage. But they also announced to the crowd that as they called out the names of the individuals to come to the stage, the crowd could cheer them on as raucously as they wished.
With the judges (what there were left of them) on the stage, they began calling out the three finalists for the Best of the Worst contest. These three will compete in tomorrow’s Best of the Best singing contest and each will take home a portion of the coinage, the amount depending on how well, or poorly they performed this day, and tomorrow. Averages do count in this contest as we have been clearly told earlier.
The first winner was announced in this fashion: “Hear Ye! Here Ye! Hailing from the school of Acting and Singing. We have a repeat performer and winner from last years contest,Mr. AlMost A. Belcher! Would Mr. AlMost A. Belcher please come to the stage please!” Sir Butt hears that this contestant was a winner in last years contest and has been schooled in the arts of theater and singing. How in the world can Sir Butt compete against trained individuals such as this Mr. Belcher? As Mr. Belcher gingerly danced his way up the stairs and onto the stage, he had a moderate crowd of followers giving him hoots and yells of support, but for the most part, the crowd just was not in the mood for celebration when his name was announced. In fact, there was a lot of whispering in the crowd and mumblings about the judges being paid off or something such as that. Did Mr. Belcher pay off the judges in order to be one of the selected winners? We will never know. But one thing is certain, he is up on the stage as one of the winners in todays competition. (20)
THE OTHER CONTESTANTS ARE CALLED
As the crowd settled down and things approached a near quiet courtyard, the judge announced the next winner of the days event. “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hailing from the woods, the mountains and the valleys of Common Ground, trained only by his own being, Sir Butt! Would Sir Butt please come up onto the stage”?
At this announcement the crowd erupted into the most boisterous display of support that could have been awarded to anyone for anything in all of Common Ground! They were jumping up and down with shear joy and dancing jigs around their own standing places. They even began swinging each other around as they danced for joy. It was a stampede of stampedes with nobody going anywhere except up and down and round and round. Hooping and Yelling and just a happy-as-can-be deal to say the least.
Sir Butt graciously took his place along side Mr. Belcher. He even offered a hand shake, which Mr. Belcher declined to accept. At the decline, Sir Butt leaned toward him and whispered, “What are you my friend, a poor loser”? And Mr. Belcher shuffled his feet a few inches away from Sir Butt. The crowd meanwhile still was raising such a ruckus, the judge had to begin to settle them down, so they could announce the last of the winners of the days events. “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Please folks! Please folks! We still have business to attend to here. Hear Ye! Hear Ye”! And as the judge continued to speak in such a manner the crowd slowly began to quiet themselves but there was still an occasional whoop and holler out among them and that would cause others to do the same. Pretty soon all was right for the announcement of the last winner.
“Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hailing from the Master of Arts Classic School of Theatrical Renaissance , again we have the pleasure of announcing last years overall winner of this event, Miss Emlargene Hooters! Would Miss Hooters please come to the stage”? Again the crowd was taken back by the judges thinking that Miss Emlargene Hooters would even place in this event. They heard with their own ears her performance, and some of them even booed at the announcement! Not a good thing for this show to hear, booing like that. But it went on and Miss Hooters did show up on the stage and the crowd was not real pleased with this. More whispering could be heard in the crowd and a lot of it I might add, that she did favors for the judges in order to get selected to the winning circle like she is.
At any rate, there you have the three winners of todays contest. Mr. Belcher, Sir Butt and Miss Hooters. They all stood before the crowd, as the crowd went wild once again. The three of them bowed and bowed and bowed some more to the crowd and the enthusiastic roar of their voices! It was an event like none other in the village of Jouster to hear such a noise. Very well done!
Now we all know that the crowd was yelling for Sir Butt and his performance and not for the other two performers, who for some odd reason the crowd thinks paid off the judges so as they would come out winners. Would you suspect that in the days of Sir Butt and Sir Clanks ALot and the villages of Metalurgy and Jouster that judges could have been persuaded to swing their votes in such a manner as to let undeserving contestants win such events? I would not think so. I have a firm belief that people of authority, such as these judges, would not stoop so low as to accept bribes, or favors. That only happens in todays, modern times, does it not? Well, no matter, the crowd does not seem too pleased with two of the winners of todays contest, but they certainly do like the third one: Sir Butt!
As the crowds noise died down to a mild roar, the judge stood up and announced: “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! In order of these contestants placement in the eyes of the judges for the Best of the Worst Contest, third place shall go to Mr. Belcher”! And the crowd roared to life once more. Then the judge continued, “And for second place, the judges rules that Miss Hooters holds that honor”! And then the crowd did go crazy wild because that meant that Sir Butt did in fact win that portion of the contest hands down and now they are going to party like crazy and everyone will know that Sir Butt did in fact win this one hands down. He is the Best of the Worst singer in the contest and quite possibly the Worst singer in all of Common Ground! An honor only he could love. (21)
LET THE PARTY BEGIN
Once off the stage, Sir Butt is entangled in the crowd and can not get away in any way, shape or form. They carry him into the tavern and begin ordering cold mugs of ail for his pleasure. He is forced to give speeches all through the night and tell them all that they want to hear about his singing abilities, his dragon slayings, his steed, his background and the list goes on and on and on. Of course Sir Butt is “in his element” with such questions and goings ons. He talks and yells and talks and speaks and talks and laughs and jokes and talks and talks and talks and talks. ( I’m sure some of you know people like this in your own world). This talking and speech giving goes on until the sun is coming up the next morning and nobody in all of the crowd has left to go get any sleep. In fact, the only two people who have slept in the entire town, including the judges was Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters. Imagine that.
As the sun pierced through the tavern window, one of the crowd called out for breakfast to be served! And the tavern people all got together a huge offering of food. Meat, potatoes, ail, eggs, lamb broth, bisquets, pickled pigs feet, turkey legs, dill pickles, the list goes on and on. And the crowd ate and ate. What a feast. Sir Butt certainly had his share of it as well, and he was famished. Remember that the night before he regurgitated three days worth of food that he had taken in days before. He completely emptied his body of anything but air and space. You might say he “voided” himself out.
Well, after the meal and people were beginning to settle into partying again. An announcement was made that the contestants were expected on the stage in just a few moments to begin the last of the contest. The Best of the Best contest.
Sir Butt is now thinking to himself, well, big boy, you have stayed up all night, you have drank all the ail you could have possibly drank without hurling, you have talked until you do not have a voice left and you have not shaved. Have you taken care of Something today? NO! And with that, he scurried over to the stable and made sure Something had food and drink and he hired a young village lad to take Something for a walk to make sure he relieved himself. Before he left Something with the lad, he whispered in Somethings ear, “I am in it to win it”! And Something shook his head up and down in agreement!
Sir Butt had to hurry from visiting Something in order to make it to the stage for that days contest, but he made it in plenty of time. The judges were on the stage, even the one that was escorted out of the village the night before. The village decided that he had only hurled once and still had one to go before being asked to leave for good. That hurl must have been a huge one, as it came from deep within his person and left about two days worth of “goodies” laying there….oh well, that is another story.
Again the judge with the loudest voice stood up and started to yell: “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! We are about to commence with todays traditional Best of the Best contest. Do we have the three competitors present”? Sir Butt approached the stage and the crowd went wild once again! With so much noise it was hard to distinguish what the judge said next, but It was something about the other two contestants.
When the crowd settled down, Sir Butt was still the only one on the stage with the judges. The judge announced once again: “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Do we have Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters in the crowd? Mr. Belcher! Miss Hooters! Please come up to the stage”! The crowd was looking left and right, as well the judges were looking left and right. Where were the other two contestants? They were the only two people who got any sleep the during the night. Could it be they are still in bed and it is time for the contest to begin? (22)
LET THE BEST OF THE BEST CONTEST BEGIN
Everyone is looking for the other two contestants. One of the judges announces: “If Mr. Belcher does not show within one minutes time from right this second”, and he points his finger toward another of the judges to begin his count down for one minute, and then continued his announcement, “and if Miss Hooters does not show within one minute of this second”, and he points to a second judge to begin the countdown to one minute, and he went on to say, “They will be disqualified from this contest and we will have our winner without continuing the singing”.
Sir Butt is very relieved because he knows he can not carry a note in a bucket and he also knows that his song about himself is the one he will have to sing and he has not made up the melody to the words. Only the words. He is rather scared at this point in his life. A time not to be scared, but he is. His knees are shaking almost uncontrollably to think he will have to sing and hope that some sort of melody that makes sense comes out of it. He thinks to himself, I can do it! I told Something I was in it to win it and that is what I will do. I will give this everything I have to make it work and I will win it!
The first minute passes and the judge announces that Mr. Belcher is no longer in the contest and that Sir Butt will at least split his portion of the coinage with Miss Hooters, should she show. The seconds that needed to pass for Miss Hooters to show went by very slowly for Sir Butt. His mind was racing…if Miss Hooters does not show, that will mean he will win the contest and take all of the coinage for himself! He will not have to sing his song, or so he thinks. He is now hoping beyond hope that Miss Hooters does not show. And then the judge announces: “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! We have two contestants who have not shown for this contest. Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters are now disqualified from the competition. That leaves Sir Butt the only contestant and we will proceed with the contest as if we had three participants. Sir Butt must still prove his worthiness to receive the coinage from this competition”.
Oh my, thinks Sir Butt, I have to sing. I have to sing a song I have never sang before. I have to sing the song about myself that only has words to it and no music has ever been written for. What will I do? What will I do? And then his courage swells up inside of him and he knows he must just do the best that he can and that is all he can do. He knows he can do it. Even though back in the back of his mind he recalls scaring people off of their porches when he was a young lad, when he would ride past their homes and he was thinking he was singing, but in fact his voice was just plain awful. That part of Sir Butt has not changed as he has gotten older. He just got louder at the screeching and moaning and wailing.
The judge turns to Sir Butt and asks: “Sir Butt, you are the only competitor in this contest, but the rules state that you must follow through with the remainder of the contest as if there were other contestants. You must prove to us beyond a shadow of a doubt in all of Common Ground that you are in fact the Best of the Best singer at Jouster. But first I must ask you. Do you in fact have a song to sing today, that you made up yourself”?
Sir Butt, looking down toward his feet a bit, and then lifting his head tries to say the words that he knew he had to say, but all of the singing and talking and joking and drinking and yelling and such that he did all night long had taken his voice from him and he could not utter a word. The judges were all looking at him and waiting for his reply, but only his lips moved and no sound was coming from his mouth. Finally the judge said, “Sir Butt, are you alright”? Sir Butt leaned forward to get closer to the judges ear and whispered, “Yes I am alright, but my voice has been taken from me at this moment, I think it is the excitement of this contest that has me so quiet”. And then he whispered, “Yes I do! And I swear upon a stack of Common Ground bibles that I wrote it myself and that nobody else was involved. And I call my song ‘Sir Butt’, after myself. It is a song I wrote about myself, for myself and I am in hopes that others who hear it will like it well enough to sing it as well”. (23)
SIR BUTT HAS LOST HIS VOICE
“Very Well”! Said the judge. “Let the contest begin”. And the judges took their seats and the crowd hushed and waited for Sir Butt to compose himself on the stage and prepare to sing. Sir Butts voice could not be heard as he whispered to the judge and so they are in wonder as to what was said. They are not sure what to expect as Sir Butt takes a deep breath and exhaled. Sir Butt is not sure what he is going to do, but he knows he will do something and even if that something does not produce any sounds, at least he is on stage trying. And he hopes that the judges will at least award him a third place and he can win the coinage for that position.
Sir Butt thinks about the words to the song he wrote:
“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot. The man who knows so Much, makes your path safe to Touch. Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed. The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand. And riding head long into the dragons Fire, Something welcomes the dragons Ire. With victory around the Bend, Sir Butt wins out in the End. The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow. And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold. From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel. Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”. (24)
SIR BUTT GIVES IT HIS BEST TRY
Knowing his voice is gone, Sir Butt is looking at the crowd and the crowd is looking up at him standing on the stage and they are all wondering just what will be produced by his voice. You see none of them know anything about him except what he told them the night before. That he is the best of the best, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one, the cleverest of the cleaver ones and that he has the finest steed in all of Common Ground and that his sword is named Cache and the sheath that protects Cache is His Account. They do not know that he has never sung a note on key, or in tune or even been close to sounding like anything that others sing. But they are expecting something to be uttered from his mouth and so they begin to hear it.
Sir Butt has taken a deep breath and begins to sing the song he wrote: FFAAIIIRRR MMAAIDEN ffeearrrr meeee not. Whhennn Yooouu Are Coldd, III am Hot.
And he continued to softly sing his song and the melody came with such a tone that none in all of Common Ground had ever heard before and it was such a beautiful rendition that the crowd was almost in tears as he finished the ballad of Sir Butt.
SSIIRRR BUTTTT iss here to serve youuuu DEEARRR, ANDDD RREENNDDERRR FREEE Thee path youuu SEEEEE, Asss YOUUU TRRRAVVELLLLLL tooooo youurrrrr PPPOOIINNNTTTTTTT BBBBBBBBBBBBBB!
And as he finished the singing his arms were outstretched to his sides and his head was looking toward the heavens and he began to smile and think to himself, how thankful he is to have someone or something above looking down upon him and giving him the voice he had to complete this most difficult of things he had ever faced in all of his life! And then he bowed to the crowd which was more exuberant and boisterous than they had ever been before. Even the judges were on their feet and yelling and clapping with all they had. The entire village was cheering, some of them had crawled up on the rooftops to get a good look at Sir Butt as he sang. The melody was so very well arranged that some people say today they thought they heard music playing in the background and that Sir Butt had an accompaniment of chorus girls singing along with him.
And down through the annals of time the story is told how Sir Butt did in fact win this contest hands down and his steed ,Something ,broke free from the stable and was at the stage for Sir Butt to jump onto his back and parade around the village all proud like. And that they moved the tavern facilities outside to accommodate all of the cold ail that needed to be consumed and that the party went on and on until the next party was announced and the village people went about their business getting ready for that next party.
Well, having written all of what you have just read makes me think that Sir Butt should go into show business. He can obviously sing very well and he is as honest as the day is long. And perhaps that should be added to his strengths. The Bravest of the Brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgable one, the cleaverest of the cleaver, the most honest of all the honest, and the rider of the greatest steed in all of Common Ground! Sir Butt!!!!!!
Bears Butt
Aug. 2011
END
Utah Fishing Reports