The latest stories about “The Rack” made me remember a time in the old “Buttmobile”…..I’m not really sure who all were in the machine at the time, but we were camped up on Temple Flat during a muzz hunt and decided it would be a good time to head over to the Randolph area for an evening look about.  The Magpie Express was all loaded and headed down the road before the occupants of the Buttmobile were loaded.  So we were a bit behind the Magpie and his group.  One thing you have to understand is our driving differences.  Magpie has a theory that can’t be denied about driving in the woods looking for animals….The faster you drive, the more open space you can see between the trees and for any of you reading this, I’m certain you can remember times driving down the road and watching the flicking of posts, trees or bushes going past.  They are as if they aren’t even there as you can see the cows or horses out in the fields on the other side of the bushes/trees etc. without any difficulty.

So, it is very understandable that Magpie drives pretty quickly down the mountain roads looking for his quarry.

On the other hand, I like to drive verrrrryyyyy sloooowwwllly.  My theory of spotting animals in the woods is one where the occupant of the moving vehicle is looking for horizontal objects in a vertical world.  I also look for that one eyeball that is looking back at me, or the twitching of an ear.  Some say on a dry and dusty day, one should look for the “puff of a fart” coming from the animal.  At any rate if you are going too fast, you will miss seeing it.

So, I must admit that over the years the Magpie Express has come back to camp with many more deer than the Buttmobile ever did.  That could be attributed to the caliber of occupants in the two rigs and their abilities to shoot and hit what they are aiming at.  AND/OR it could be that the occupants of the Buttmobile would like to be able to hit their animal at a closer range than some of the shots being taken from the Magpie Express.  No Lead….No dead.  It is clear that if you shoot enough times at something, no matter the distance, eventually you will hit it.

So, here we are headed for Randolph at about 2 p.m.  We know we have about an hour of driving before we get there and then we will work our way back to camp by way of the back country roads and with any luck we will run across a few bucks and bring them into camp with us.  In any given deer camp at 2 in the afternoon, you know deep down in your heart that all the deer in the area are far from any road and laying down taking a nap.  Usually on a North facing slope and in the deepest and darkest part of the forest.  Every hunter knows this.

I’m driving behind Magpie and his rig and he has about a minute head start on me and so I’m hurrying to catch up.  I’m driving way too fast and gaining on his rig quickly.  When the front of my rig is about 20 feet from his, I release the pressure from the gas pedal and begin to coast.  Fat Duck is riding in the passenger seat along side me and it is obvious he knows I’m driving faster than my usual pace, but he says nothing.  Suddenly and without warning the Magpie Express comes to a complete stop!  Sliding and kicking up dust!!!!

In my mind I say…WHAT THE….!!!!!!!  And the Buttmobile also comes to a complete stop just a foot or so from the back end of the Express!

And then it happens……………backup lights come on!  OH NO!!!!

I reach for the five speed tranny shifter and pull it hard into neutral and then into reverse!  My eyes are wide and looking at the back of the Express as it is beginning to come backwards toward the Buttmobile!  I can’t get it into reverse!  My rifle is laying muzzle down along side me and it is keeping the shifter from coming back into reverse gear!  I bang hard against the rifle barrel (sights mostly), but no good, we are doomed!

BLAM!  The Express suddenly slams the front of the Buttmobile with a force equal to a small train!  The Buttmobile lurches backward with the momentum and all heads in the unit are arched first forward toward the front of the vehicle and then just as suddenly, backward toward the rear of the unit.  The dust begins to settle.

I turned to Fat Duck and asked….”Did your air bag deploy”????  (Most rigs made in the mid 80’s didn’t have air bags installed and of course I was just joking with him).

What caused Magpie to suddenly hit the skids and put his rig into reverse?  A deer.  Laying right along side the road.  The guys in my rig would never have seen it.

Well, a quick assessment of the minimal damage to the front of the Buttmobile and we were off to enjoy our afternoon and evening drive about.

Months after this incident I thought it would be appropriate to install a symbol of the Magpie Express on the Buttmobile as a momento, but when you think about it, installing a 1982 Suburban on the hood of a 1987 Isuzu Trooper would make it very hard to see what was ahead.  I put a lot of thought into just what I should do and came up with this:

The eyes on this replica was about proportionate to mine at the time of the “crash”!

Bears Butt

September 13, 2014