By: Bears Butt
Do you know how to tell if you’re staying in a redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk saying I’ve got a leak in the sink and the front desk person says go ahead.
Utah Fishing ReportsDo you know how to tell if you’re staying in a redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk saying I’ve got a leak in the sink and the front desk person says go ahead.
Some things are too good not to post up on here.
Look out Weasel!!!
Bears Butt
Jan. 2012
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………
(scroll down)
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
The numbers are limited -I have twenty iPads going for less than half Price, so it’s first come, first served.
I have already sold one (
see pic below so you can see what you would be getting).Get back to me as quickly as you can
, if you want one.I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
He said “That’s a mirror, dip-shit!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.
‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’
‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.
‘Are you NUTS! ‘replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years! ‘
‘Well, I said, ‘ I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. ‘
The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’
I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’
I was on my porch the 20th of February drinking coffee when my neighbors cute little 8-year-old daughter came up to check on me.
After some routine conversation went by I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
She said “It’s President’s Day!” She is really a smart kid.
I asked “What does President’s Day mean?”
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln … etc.
She replied, “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”
You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose..
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.THANKS CYNDI!