By: Bears Butt
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Written on October 22nd, 2011 , Jokes I like!
By: Bears Butt

This years Halloween has brought new things into my life….How to carve a pumpkin without triangular eyes, nose and mouth!!!   What do you think of this creation of mine?

Is that a “Bears Butt”?????

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 22nd, 2011 , Uncategorized
By: Bears Butt

Well, I just found out that today is predicted to be the end of the world by some guy in California, who apparently is close to God and calculated this to be the end.  I guess we have until midnight for that to happen.?!

So, I have always wanted to let the world know my thoughts on how our planet has gone from a frozen wasteland to what it is today.  Here is what I believe:

However the earth was formed I do not know, but I believe it was a solid mass of very cold and ice covered dirt ball.  Over eons of time, what with it spinning round and round and circling the sun, it actually got closer to the sun at some point and that started the ice to melt.  Again, over eons and eons of continuing to go round and round and circle the sun, that melting ice formed the oceans and as the ice melted back it dragged with it rocks and dirt and formed deep gouges in the earths surface.  At the same time, water got under large land masses that were exposed from the melting ice.  And the earth continued to go round and round and circle the sun.  Plants began to grow where the earth was exposed and because the earth was tilted just so, those plants were growing in the warmest climate found on the planet.  Much like that of the Central part of South America, or the Hawaiian Islands.  All of the plants were like ferns and palm trees and such that grow in those places today.

The land was virtually covered in these plants.  Very dense forested areas and the climate was quite humid, with lots of rain fall and hot.

Soon life began to emerge, at first small animals and “things” only recognized today as fossils.  And over many more eons of time, the animals got larger and larger and larger.

I mentioned the water that got under the large land masses.  As time went on, the earths axis, which was tipped very much different than it is today, continued to change ever so slightly.  With this change in the axis, the angle of the sun in relation to the land masses caused changes in the environment of those large land masses.  Also, the turning round and round started these large land masses to begin to separate.  Water from the large oceans would fill in the gaps and actually assist in separating these large and floating land masses.  Some call it Continental Drift.  I truly believe in that theory.

Climates that once were very warm slowly eeked their way into cooler climates and the animals that happened to be on those large chunks of land either adapted to the change or died.  Again, and continuing today, the earth is tipping ever so slightly on it’s axis and climates are changing.

We hear about global warming, but we see changes in the seasons from one area to another.  Some of us remember when August was the hottest month of the year, but now it seems July is that month.  Old timers used to talk about the heavy snows that would come in January, but don’t we see most of our snow here in Utah happening in December?  What used to be seems to be two or three weeks off from what it was before.  Maybe it’s just me.

It’s a combination of all of these things that is causing the changes to the earth.  Continental drift continues to happen.  The axis is continuing to change slightly, which is effecting the angle of the sun hitting the earth.  I believe the Arctic circle and subsequent huge land mass attached to it are moving in what I call, up and over the top.  Some many millions of years from now, I can see where I stand today, will be where the North Pole is sticking up today.  Adapt or die.  Or move.

How do I explain the finding of hairy mammoths found enclosed in ice?  A drastic change in the earths tipping on its axis.  It does not take much of a change to cause major changes in the environment.  And perhaps the earth was struck by a huge meteor or smallish planet that caused the major change.  Whatever it was, it caught lots of critters, and people, off guard and they were captured in huge snow and ice storms and that is where they died.  Too abrupt a change for them to adapt.

Continental drift is a very good theory because discoveries have been found of common cultures and tools found in Africa and in South America.  The people of both continents lived similar lives and had similar beliefs, even though they lived thousands of miles apart and had an ocean between them.  It only makes sense.

And so, I say, enjoy your time here today, because change is happening every day around you.  I can feel a briskness in the air that seems to be a bit later than it happened last year.  Have you looked at the bright fall colors?  Now look at the calendar, it’s the end of the world, according to that one guy, Oct. 21, 2011.  Why are the leaves still on the trees in the mountains?  The deer hunt starts tomorrow!  The leaves are always off the trees when the deer hunt begins!  Have we slipped another part of a degree on our axis?  Is my theory wrong and I have a sense that instead of drifting north by north west and we are actually drifting south by south east?

Well, there you have it…my thoughts.

If the world ends later today, I hope to see you all wherever we end up.

Bears Butt

Oct. 21, 2011….is it the end of the world?

Written on October 21st, 2011 , Uncategorized
By: Bears Butt

When I was working, well, let’s just say, before I retired, we would have a staff meeting every Tuesday morning around 10 a.m.  All the section and branch chiefs would give a short “what’s going on in their department” briefing to the Director and of course everyone in the room heard what was happening.  If there were issues between departments we would iron them out.  We would also get a boost speech from “the man” which was meant to help us through the next week.

Well, I made up a Bingo board with key words in the squares and passed them around to some of my supervisor cronies.  It was all meant to be in fun and we did have some fun, at the expense of the director of course.

Here is how it went.  I put words on the squares like “teamwork”, “sharing”, “together”, “helping”, “synergy”, “safety”, “timing” etc., you get the drift.  Words that reflect what was happening in the work environment at the time.

As the “mans” speech was said, if any of the words on the boards were said and if those words formed into a bingo, straight line, diagonal or horizontal across your board, you stood up and yelled “BULLSH#%”!

Bullsh#T Bingo was the name.

Try it in your office at your next staff meeting!  But don’t come to me if you get fired!

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 21st, 2011 , Uncategorized
By: Bears Butt

With Winter coming on strong, we are all going to be spending a considerable amount of time in doors.  With that will come additional cooking and the potential for a kitchen fire.  This link was sent to me and I feel it is important enough to post it here on my blog site.  This could save your home, someones life or severe personal damage in a number of ways.


Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 19th, 2011 , Uncategorized
By: Bears Butt


Twas sum time back whenst Russ dun called on his friend Warren ta go an git a bear with him.  Well Russ he dun knowed a whole heap bout bears an all, an he dun kilt a heap o them already, but this time he dun wanted Warren ta go wid im in the wilds of the Wind Rivers ta git a big ol bruin of a bear what he knowed wus up there lurkin.

Wellst, they wuz sittin by the fire the night afor they wuz ta go ta git this here big ol bruin an Warren he dun looks at Russ an sayz, Russ, I don’t know nuttin bout bears an such.  What in tar nation is I doin up here with you?  I is gonna git myself kilt an all, an it will be yer fault.

Ol Russ, he dun looked Warren right in the eye an sez, Now lissen Warren, you aint gonna git kilt ner nuttin like that.  Especial if you dun listen ta what I is gonna tell ya, an ifn you do zackly like I dun tell ya, ya is gonna chase that bruin right out fer me ta kill.

Now lissen close, hear?  An Warren he is all ears as Russ proceeds ta tell him zackly what ta do when huntin bears.

Now, Warren, in the morning, you is gonna go up ta the top of that big ol mountain over there an you is gonna cum down through the draw yellin an carryin on an that big bruin is gonna git skeert an cum out for me ta shoot.  An that is all there is to it.

But Warren, he is a bit not so sure bout what Russ is tellin him an he says ta Russ.  Ok, Russ, I is gonna do what you dun said, but what if that bruin don’t wanna come out fer you ta shoot, an he dun comes after me instead?

Russ says back ta Warren, Well, first off, you is gonna be swingin a big ol stick an whackin the brush an trees an yellin an causin such a ruckus, aint gonna be no bruin what wants nuttin ta do wid all that, an he is gonna run like the dickin outa there an right inta my gun sights fer sure.  BUT, ifn he don’t cum runin out an he dun turns ta cum towards you, you do zackly like I am bout ta tell ya.

OK, what is it I need ta know Russ, now don’t go tellin me ta lay down an play dead, cuz when that bruin cums back tawards me, I is gonna be dead fer sure an there aint gonna be no playin atol.

No, Warren, you ain’t gonna be playin dead.  So listen up, Ifn that bruin cums yer way, you stop right in your tracks an you do zackly what that bruin does an you will be just fine.  Now lets git sum sleep.

So they go to sleep, at least Russ goes to sleep and Warren lays there wonderin just what Russ has in store for him.  He is still a young man, an he don’t want ta be dead an all like that.  But he dun cumed up there with Russ an ta help him git a big ol bruin an he is gonna stick ta his word.

Next day, Russ is up with gusto an singin an dancing round cuz he knowed full well he is gonna kill hisself one big ol bruin.  Probably the biggest bruin ever kilt by a man in all the land.  But Warren, he aint so happy as Russ.  So onest they is dun wid theys eatin, they heads fer the mountain.

Russ tells Warren ta head on up ta the top of that there draw, an he is gonns sit over yonder at that there rock an wait fer Warren ta skeer out that big ol bruin what is hidin in those bushes.  He reminds Warren ta git holt of a big stick an smack it ginst sum trees as he yells an cums down through the draw.

But Warren, he ain’t so conserned bout chasin out a big ol bruin, as much as he is bout that big ol bruin havin him fer his own lunch.  An his mind is racin bout what Russ dun tolt him bout doin what the bruin does ifn it turns round on him.

So, Warren goes ta the top of the draw an finds hisself one big ol stick an he starts ta go down through that draw poundin on trees an yellin with all his might an stompin his feet an makin more rackit than anyone has ever heard afor.  An sudden, there in front of him is a big ol bruin standin in the trail ahead an is lookin right at him, sure nuff!  And the Bruin let’s out a big ol “RRUUFFFF”!  Oh my Gohd says Warren ta hisself.

Warren is faced with his worstest nighmare of all nightmares.  An his mind says, Russ tolt me ta do what the bruin does an I’ll be alright.  So he drops his big stick an stands there in the trail just like the big ol bruin an he does zackly like the bruin an he says “RRUUFFF”!   As mean as that big ol bruin dun said it.  An they is lookin at each other sure nuff.

Then the bruin, he dun comes down on all fours.  So Warren, he dun drops down jus like the bruin.

An the bruin, he dun takes one step up the trail twards Warren.  So Warren, he dun takes one step for ward twards the bruin.  Then the bruin, he takes another step forward.  So Warren, he does to.  An this goes on fer quite sum time an pert soon, theys noses is touchin each other right there in the trail!  Warren is really skeert bout now, what if that there bruin just opens up its mouth an takes Warren by the head an tosses him round.  He be kilt fer sure.

But the big ol Bruin, he didn’t open up his mouth atol.  Stead, he dun reaches out front of hisself with one big ol claw foot an digs a small hole in the dirt an tosses the dirt ahind himself.  So Warren, he reaches out with his hand and digs a small hole an tosses the dirt ahind hisself jus the same.  An then the bruin he does it with his other paw an tosses the dirt back ahind hisself again.  So Warren, he switches hands an does it same as afore.

Now, this here goes on until they both has a pert big hole afore each of them.  Then the big ol bruin, he inches up his hind legs tward Warren.  So Warren, he inches his rear end forward twards the big ol bruin.  Then the bruin, he inches forward sum more.  An Warren he does the same.  Whenst all of a sudden, the big ol bruin, he dun relieves hisself of a big ol dump, right there in the hole what he dun dug.

Warren, he dun stands up an points ta the big ol bruin and yells, “HA!  I DUN THAT WHEN YOU FIRST SAID RRUUFFF!”

An that is the way that there story goes.

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 18th, 2011 , Just more stories
By: Bears Butt

Last nights supper was a very simple one.  Sherry wanted a meat and veggie type dish, no rice, no potatoes, no starchy anything.  So, what does my little mind come up with “Swiss Steak”.  Usually served with rice, but not this time.

Out comes a package of venison “chunks”, and once thawed yielded six pieces of meat each about three inches long and 3/4 inch wide.  Not much meat, but it would have to do.

I put a tablespoon of olive oil in the pan and browned the meat.  Then put the meat in a smallish dish that could go in  the oven.

Next I took a handful of those little carrots and chopped them up.  It turned out I chopped just enough to cover the bottom of the 10 inch pan I used to brown the meat.  I chopped up one stick of celery and diced up three small fresh tomatoes.  All of this went into the pan with the carrots.  Then I added about one tablespoon of beef bullion and a “dash” of water from the faucet.

I heated this all up and stirred it the whole time.  It boiled for maybe four minutes while I stirred it.  Then into the dish on top of the meat it all went!

Covered the dish and baked it in the oven on 350 for about an hour.  Probably an overkill on the baking time, because the meat was fork tender and the whole thing was WAY YUMMY!  It was amazing to me that it did not need any seasoning other than what the bullion gave it.

We will be doing that one again!

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 18th, 2011 , Recipes
By: Bears Butt

This humorous story was found in Aunt Maria’s trunk when we were going through all of the heirlooms in the attic.




(Published Deurich Press, Chula Vista, California

Please god, I’ve said “now I lay me”, and if you have any time to spare I would like to ask you something Mother and Daddy are too busy to tell me.

I’m seven years old, and Mother says I’ve gotten into an awful habit of telling lies.  She says it is wicked God?  I sure would like to know, I’m all mixed up about that!

The other day I told a lie that got me into an awful mess; I just had to tell it though, for it was like this, God.

Every time I get in a fight Mother spanks me, and so when I socked Benny in the eye, because he kicked me in the stomach, I told Mother I didn’t do it.  See, God?  I didn’t want to get a licking!

But Daddy found out that I did, and he said to Mother, “We can’t let that boy go on like this!  He will have to be punished. “And so they did, for telling that lie.  And now Mother won’t let me go to the pony and dog show because I socked Benny, and it sure it tough luck, now isn’t it?

I don’t understand about this spanking business, God.  And this is what I wanted to ask you—“ Now I socked Benny in the eye, and Mother socked me right on my bare bottom and it hurt like the dickens!  Now God, who is going to sock Mother because she socked me!  Isn’t it just as bad for Mother to sock me as it is for me to sock Benny!

Of course Mother and Daddy are Good, but I do must like they do, and they say I am bad!

The other night Mother put me to bed at seven o’clock and said for me to go to sleep; that she and Daddy were going to sit in the other room and read.  I couldn’t go to sleep, so I called Mother to let me come in where she and Daddy were and play with my new engine,  But she didn’t answer, so I got up and went in nobody was there, and when I called to Nannie and asked where Mother and Daddy were she said “ They slipped out, because they didn’t want you to know they had gone and went to the bridge party.”

So you see, God, they tell lies too.  They do for a fact!  And nobody socks them, and they need it awful bad!

Mother says that if I say my prayers to you and ask you to make me good that you will do it.  Well I’ve asked you lots of times.  Now why don’t you God!  And please, God, Explain to me what is good, I sure don’t know.

Mother says that if I want anything to ask you.  So now, God , I wish you would sock Mother and Daddy.  They must have something done to them!

You just can’t let them go on like this!  And please tell me, God, if you were a little boy like me, and there was a pony and dog show in town, and your Mother wouldn’t let you go, what would you do?  Now I ask you God?

Well, I know what I’m going to do!  I’m going to run away and crawl under the tent!  Mother and Daddy run away from me and to the bridge parties, so why can’t I run away and to the pony and dog show!

Good night, God!  And please don’t forget to give Mother and Daddy a good spanking.


The Mother of this little boy was just entering the room when his prayer began.  When it was finished she closed the door softly and tip toed downstairs and related to her husband, what she had over heard.

They were very much amused and laughed hilariously!  With great gusto and pride they told of the cleverness of their son.  But they kept on doing what they had been doing and the son kept on doing what he had been doing.


What is the matter with this younger generation?


Feb. 9, 2003



Written on October 16th, 2011 , Uncategorized
By: Bears Butt

I have always loved a good practical joke!  One that is full of things that really make you grin and laugh and at the bottom line, no body is hurt by it.  I love that sort of thing.  It may be something that takes days or weeks to finally come to fruition, or maybe just a few moments, but at any rate I love that sort of thing.

On our muzzleloader deer hunt this year there was just this sort of joke pulled off and it was done in a wonderful manner.

As a bit of a background, we have a running tab going between myself and Magpie that when the vehicles leave the camp in the morning, the first one back with a buck wins.  I have lost this many years in a row.  Not because the guys in my vehicle can’t shoot straight, but Magpie’s group must have better eyes than my guys.  I really don’t know why, but Magpie and his vehicle always seems to come into camp with a deer, long before mine.

And so, this year as the vehicle I was driving came slowly and dust free back into camp,  it was no surprise to see a deer hanging on the ying-yang tree, and Magpie and his crew sitting around enjoying the fire.

My guys and me, all looked at the deer hanging there all covered up in a game bag and the first question asked, as usual, was “Who got the deer?”  Looking around the fire I did not see anyone with the usual blood stains on their pants or leathers.  But then, they could have changed or could have done such an outstanding job of cleaning the animal that they came away without any blood getting on them.

And with some hesitation Softball tells Edjukateer that he needs to come forward.  Which he does, and he says, “It’s only an eight inch buck!”  An Eight Inch Buck!  Hell fire, that is a big buck for our gang!  Let’s go see it.

And the group gathers at the hanging tree for the unveiling.

We are thinking, wow, Magpie and his crew have beat us once again.  When will this beating ever end?  And then Edjukateer joins the Magpie to uncover the deer!

That isn’t a deer!  It’s a sleeping bag!

We have been duped!  But wait there is more!

It truly WAS an eight inch buck!  An eight inch Buck Knife!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  A very good practical joke was pulled on us!  None of us saw that there were no deer legs sticking out of the top of the bag!  None of us saw the bag was not fully closed at the tie off strings!  None of us noticed the lack of blood that is usually staining the game bag!  Nor the lack of antlers protruding from inside the bag.  Oh, were we ever tricked by that one!

I still laugh about that to this day!  Very good fellas but wait until it is your turn!  Maybe next year?

Thanks for the photos Dry Dog!  Well done!

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 16th, 2011 , Hunting/Fishing/Trapping Stories
By: Bears Butt

Spent most of yesterday with the family making pumpkins for Halloween.  The kids painted up one and then carved a second one.  Of course the carved ones took some adults to help get the job done, but they turned out pretty neat!  Here are some pics of during the event!

And the end results are these:

The white pumpkin is Aprils and she says because she is a mommy, her pumpkin needed to look like a mummy!  Great job kids!  It was a very fun day!

As kids, the only way to do a pumpkin was to carve it and make triangle shapes for eyes, noses and mouths, but not anymore!

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on October 16th, 2011 , Uncategorized | Stories, Ramblings & Random Stuff From an Old Mountain Man is proudly powered by WordPress and the Theme Adventure by Eric Schwarz
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Just some of my old stories, new stories, and in general what is going on in my life.