Twas sum time back whenst Russ dun called on his friend Warren ta go an git a bear with him.  Well Russ he dun knowed a whole heap bout bears an all, an he dun kilt a heap o them already, but this time he dun wanted Warren ta go wid im in the wilds of the Wind Rivers ta git a big ol bruin of a bear what he knowed wus up there lurkin.

Wellst, they wuz sittin by the fire the night afor they wuz ta go ta git this here big ol bruin an Warren he dun looks at Russ an sayz, Russ, I don’t know nuttin bout bears an such.  What in tar nation is I doin up here with you?  I is gonna git myself kilt an all, an it will be yer fault.

Ol Russ, he dun looked Warren right in the eye an sez, Now lissen Warren, you aint gonna git kilt ner nuttin like that.  Especial if you dun listen ta what I is gonna tell ya, an ifn you do zackly like I dun tell ya, ya is gonna chase that bruin right out fer me ta kill.

Now lissen close, hear?  An Warren he is all ears as Russ proceeds ta tell him zackly what ta do when huntin bears.

Now, Warren, in the morning, you is gonna go up ta the top of that big ol mountain over there an you is gonna cum down through the draw yellin an carryin on an that big bruin is gonna git skeert an cum out for me ta shoot.  An that is all there is to it.

But Warren, he is a bit not so sure bout what Russ is tellin him an he says ta Russ.  Ok, Russ, I is gonna do what you dun said, but what if that bruin don’t wanna come out fer you ta shoot, an he dun comes after me instead?

Russ says back ta Warren, Well, first off, you is gonna be swingin a big ol stick an whackin the brush an trees an yellin an causin such a ruckus, aint gonna be no bruin what wants nuttin ta do wid all that, an he is gonna run like the dickin outa there an right inta my gun sights fer sure.  BUT, ifn he don’t cum runin out an he dun turns ta cum towards you, you do zackly like I am bout ta tell ya.

OK, what is it I need ta know Russ, now don’t go tellin me ta lay down an play dead, cuz when that bruin cums back tawards me, I is gonna be dead fer sure an there aint gonna be no playin atol.

No, Warren, you ain’t gonna be playin dead.  So listen up, Ifn that bruin cums yer way, you stop right in your tracks an you do zackly what that bruin does an you will be just fine.  Now lets git sum sleep.

So they go to sleep, at least Russ goes to sleep and Warren lays there wonderin just what Russ has in store for him.  He is still a young man, an he don’t want ta be dead an all like that.  But he dun cumed up there with Russ an ta help him git a big ol bruin an he is gonna stick ta his word.

Next day, Russ is up with gusto an singin an dancing round cuz he knowed full well he is gonna kill hisself one big ol bruin.  Probably the biggest bruin ever kilt by a man in all the land.  But Warren, he aint so happy as Russ.  So onest they is dun wid theys eatin, they heads fer the mountain.

Russ tells Warren ta head on up ta the top of that there draw, an he is gonns sit over yonder at that there rock an wait fer Warren ta skeer out that big ol bruin what is hidin in those bushes.  He reminds Warren ta git holt of a big stick an smack it ginst sum trees as he yells an cums down through the draw.

But Warren, he ain’t so conserned bout chasin out a big ol bruin, as much as he is bout that big ol bruin havin him fer his own lunch.  An his mind is racin bout what Russ dun tolt him bout doin what the bruin does ifn it turns round on him.

So, Warren goes ta the top of the draw an finds hisself one big ol stick an he starts ta go down through that draw poundin on trees an yellin with all his might an stompin his feet an makin more rackit than anyone has ever heard afor.  An sudden, there in front of him is a big ol bruin standin in the trail ahead an is lookin right at him, sure nuff!  And the Bruin let’s out a big ol “RRUUFFFF”!  Oh my Gohd says Warren ta hisself.

Warren is faced with his worstest nighmare of all nightmares.  An his mind says, Russ tolt me ta do what the bruin does an I’ll be alright.  So he drops his big stick an stands there in the trail just like the big ol bruin an he does zackly like the bruin an he says “RRUUFFF”!   As mean as that big ol bruin dun said it.  An they is lookin at each other sure nuff.

Then the bruin, he dun comes down on all fours.  So Warren, he dun drops down jus like the bruin.

An the bruin, he dun takes one step up the trail twards Warren.  So Warren, he dun takes one step for ward twards the bruin.  Then the bruin, he takes another step forward.  So Warren, he does to.  An this goes on fer quite sum time an pert soon, theys noses is touchin each other right there in the trail!  Warren is really skeert bout now, what if that there bruin just opens up its mouth an takes Warren by the head an tosses him round.  He be kilt fer sure.

But the big ol Bruin, he didn’t open up his mouth atol.  Stead, he dun reaches out front of hisself with one big ol claw foot an digs a small hole in the dirt an tosses the dirt ahind himself.  So Warren, he reaches out with his hand and digs a small hole an tosses the dirt ahind hisself jus the same.  An then the bruin he does it with his other paw an tosses the dirt back ahind hisself again.  So Warren, he switches hands an does it same as afore.

Now, this here goes on until they both has a pert big hole afore each of them.  Then the big ol bruin, he inches up his hind legs tward Warren.  So Warren, he inches his rear end forward twards the big ol bruin.  Then the bruin, he inches forward sum more.  An Warren he does the same.  Whenst all of a sudden, the big ol bruin, he dun relieves hisself of a big ol dump, right there in the hole what he dun dug.

Warren, he dun stands up an points ta the big ol bruin and yells, “HA!  I DUN THAT WHEN YOU FIRST SAID RRUUFFF!”

An that is the way that there story goes.

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011