By: Bears Butt

I just had a long meeting with Sir Butt about an advertisement I saw when I turned on my computer this morning.  I was unable to print the actual ad that I saw, but I was able to find this:

Fwd: Find Common Ground at ArcGIS Online
… From: Esri <newsletter@…> Date: 21 August 2012 13:16 Subject: Find Common Ground at ArcGIS Online To: Ben de Vries <bendevries1968@…> ** …

You are probably wondering why on earth would Bears Butt care about an advertisement like this one.  I’ll tell you why.  Read carefully that first line:

“Find Common Ground…”

And then if you have not read about Sir Butt, you need to stop reading this right now and go to the Sir Butt category on this site and catch up on a few things.  One being that Sir Butt’s land is called “Common Ground”!

Now I know because I have used some of ESRI companies software that it is very powerful and almost the exclusive programs used in the Geographical Information world of GIS.  The company has a huge team of experts constantly making their software bigger, better, faster, cheaper etcetterer and millions of people use it for their GIS purposes.

But, to find “Common Ground” is it even possible?

Therefore I called for an emergency meeting with Sir Butt to discuss this issue.

Sir Butt of course was not familiar with GIS nor ESRI or anything about such as that.  He said that of course you could find Common Ground.  Just close your eyes and there you are!  Surrounded by the beauty of it and the greenness of it all.  Simple!  He went on to say that the need for some such ESRI or GIS is hogwash and absurd, UN-necessary and a total waste of time.

He went on to say that he believes this ESRI is a dragon of the worst kind and that perhaps he needed to call upon Cash to relieve the world of it.  He said that he will be ready in an instant the moment ESRI steps foot on Common Ground, if indeed ESRI does in fact find Common Ground, and he will dash it to bits and have Something stomp the remaining parts into the ground around him.

I must say Sir Butt is very livid over this information.  I thought for a moment that he was going to take Cash out of His Account and start swinging it about.  He held his composure quite well, but made no bones about the fact that he did not like the sounds of some ESRI finding Common Ground.

He then excused himself as he was running a powerful dry and needed to quench his thirst down at the local tavern.

And so I report to you that if you too see the ESRI ad about Finding Common Ground, rest yourself assured that if in fact ESRI does trip over Common Ground and finds itself there that Sir Butt will make short work of it and it will not exist there.

Bears Butt

August 26, 2012

Written on August 26th, 2012 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt


Sir Butt awakens as the dawning sky is showing it’s first light.  It is going to be a wonderful day in Common Ground and Sir Butt feels the strength and power of a new day.  So wonderful is his feeling he can hardly believe it.  He can see clearly the distant hills.  The beautiful clear sky.  Birds beginning to awaken and slowly offer their morning chirps and songs.  Sir Butt is very thankful for all that he has.  His health, his steed Something, his Cache, his Account and all the knowledge held deep in his mind.  He is thankful also for his skills as a dragon slayer and keeper of the land.  Making it safe for all the travelers going from their points A to their points B.  Sir Butt is very proud to be in the position he is in.

Sir Butt makes ready his morning cup of lamb broth and begins to heat it at the fire.  Something is tethered nearby and makes motion that he would like to be released to relieve himself.  Pawing the ground with his right front hoof.  Sir Butt sees to it that Something is released from the tether and off into the forest he goes.

As Sir Butt looks into the fire and waits patiently for his brew to heat he feels a crispness in the air.  The breeze causes him to shiver just a bit.  The weather in Common Ground is always pleasant but as the year progresses and draws closer to the beginning of a new year the air always takes on this briskness that he feels.  Life is good, Sir Butt thinks to himself.  This is the time of year when villagers all around Common Ground tend to travel more than usual.  Visiting other villages and the folks that abound in those villages.  Why?  Well the answer to that is anyone’s’ guess.  Perhaps it is just the cooling of the air that causes folks to want to move about and stay comfortable and warm.  Perhaps they just feel they need to go and see folks they have not seen in quite some time.  Having thought those thoughts Sir Butt knows he must travel on every trail and path in Common Ground to make certain the ways are clear of the dangers. (1)


Finished with his brew and a taste of hard bread from his pouch, Sir Butt mounts up on Something to begin his quick task of riding every trail and pathway in Common Ground.  This is not going to be an easy task as there are many, many, many (did I say many?) trails and paths through Common Ground.  He must travel them all and make certain all dangers are gone before the majority of the travelers begin their yearly journeys.

Sir Butt heels Something slightly and off they go down the nearest trail.  Sir Butt checks his Cache which is always at his left side and all is well.  Clickity Clack goes Somethings hooves against the rocks in the trail and the sound becomes a melody ringing in Sir Butt’s head.  Add to that the sounds of the forest birds and it brings on a very pleasant sound that would be pleasant to everyone hearing it.  Ahh what a wonderful life I have, thinks Sir Butt and he pats Something on the side of his neck.  Something feels the same way and raises and then lowers his head and neck two times.  Sir Butt has always thought that Something knows exactly what he, himself is thinking at all times and this gesture just proved it once again.

Suddenly Something begins to shrink and Sir Butt grasps for Cache and pulls it quickly out of his Account.  Looking all around for whatever it is that Something has shrunk up about.  They have only travelled a short distance from where they spent the night.  Why did this unknown demon not come into their camp during the night and ravage them and their camp?  Something continues to shrink smaller and smaller as they continue.  The trail is beginning to narrow a bit and Sir Butt knows the unknown beast is lurking near the narrowest part of the trail.  He halts Something just short of the narrowest part and stands tall atop Something.  Of course that puts his head about four feet above the ground as Something has shrunken so much.  Sir Butt can barely see above the growth alongside the trail.  A rustling on the right side shows Sir Butt just where the beast is hiding and he is ready as can be for whatever is about to come.

Up and over the forest underbrush comes a rushing and gnashing head, mouth wide as wide and teeth razor sharp.  It comes straight at Sir Butt and Something as quickly as a beast can move.  Sir Butt recognizes the beast as a fierce Rusher Gnasher.  The only dragon in Common Ground that does not strike it’s victims during dark hours.  And that is why they were not ravaged during the night as they camped.  The Rusher Gnasher is almost upon Sir Butt when Cache strikes the beast alongside it’s narrow neck and off comes its head with a bounce!  Sir Butt feels Something growing again between his legs and knows there was only one Rusher Gnasher Dragon along that portion of the trail.  “Good Work Something”, calls out Sir Butt.  “You were really on top of that one my good steed”!  And as Something continued to grow, Sir Butt could see way, way down the trail again and sitting on Somethings back he is nearly 7 feet taller than the undergrowth along side the trail.  The Rusher Gnasher is deceased and only a slight steam is coming from the neck and severed head.  The cool of the morning makes clear evidence of that.

“Well, Something, this day is starting out quite wonderful indeed”!  Exclaimed Sir Butt.  And they continued down the trail.

Have you not wondered why Sir Butt does not wipe the blood from Cache after severing a dragon head?  Well, for your education, only one dragon has fluids that remotely resemble blood and that is the small roundish Purple Dasher.  It consumes protein in any form it can find and it must eat that protein with wild plum fruit.  That is why it is only found in one small area of Common Ground.  And in reality (if you can call this reality) no dragon has blood running through its veins.  Only sticky, stinky fluids.

On down the trail Sir Butt and Something find themselves basking in the early morning sun rays as they plod along.  Sir Butt looks up at the dew on the trees and notices faint glints of colors.  Reds, yellows, blues, oranges, greens…every color of the rainbow is glinting and he marvels at the sight.  He has seen such a site before, but only once.  This time there seems to be some sort of aura about it that drew his attention.  He is very pleased with the site.  It is on the tips of nearly every leaf on every tree.  Truly amazing.  (2)


As the day goes on and Sir Butt travels down the path looking to make sure it is safe for travel he can not help but notice the smell in the air.  A sweet smell like only comes this time of the year.  He can not put his finger to exactly where the smell is coming from, nor can he exactly identify what the smell is, for it seems to be a sweet mix of all things sweet and everywhere at the same time (ubiquitous you might say).   What he can say is that it is very pleasing to the senses and makes him hungry to think that there might be a fruit somewhere that he could eat.

What HO!  Straight ahead of them in the trail is a yellow apple tree.  And as they approach the apple tree, Sir Butt halts Something and picks two apples from the tree.  They are quite large and look delicious.  He holds one in front of Something, who politely takes a big bite out of the apple.  Then Sir Butt joins him with a big bite out of the other apple.  MMMMMM.  Sweet and juicy just like they should be.  (I’ll just bet you did not catch on to me that I did not say “wild” yellow apple tree did you?  Of course not.  You were so taken by this story you actually believed there was suddenly before them a yellow apple tree, and that is fine, because at this time of the worlds history, nobody had ever thought about growing their own apple trees in their yards or near their homes.  It was just as common to ride down the trail and pick the fruit from a tree already growing apples, or plumbs or whatever).

“It is a fine day, Something, when you think about eating a sweet juicy fruit and there it appears before your eyes”.  Said Sir Butt in a mumbling sort of way.  (After all, he did just take a bite of an apple and hasn’t had time to chew and swallow it.  He would be chastised today for being rude for talking with his mouth full, but manners such as we have today have not been instilled in  the people of Sir Butt’s day).  “Such a fine and delicious apple it is too.  I think I shall pick a few more for our trip Something”.  And he picks four or six more apples and places them in his satchel.

They continued to bite and chew their apples as they continued down the trail making certain it is safe for future travelers.   With the last bite taken, Sir Butt tosses the apple core over into the brush alongside the trail and makes a verbal wish.  “I wish upon Common Ground that at least one of the seeds from within this apple core shall take root and grow another apple tree like the one that apple came from”.  And believe it or not, the next time Sir Butt travelled down that trail there was indeed another apple tree growing.  There must be magic in the air!  (3)


It wasn’t long after Sir Butt tossed his apple core to the side of the trail when they approached a lone man walking slowly down the trail ahead of them.  He was carrying a very large bag on his back and it was full to the brim.  As they plodded closer to the man, he heard them coming and politely stepped to the side of the trail to let them proceed.  Sir Butt brought Something to a halt along side the man.  “Greetings my friend”!  Said Sir Butt.  “Greetings right back at you my friend”.  Said the other man.  “Have you been travelling long”? Asked Sir Butt.  “Just long enough”. Replied the man.  “And wherest art thou going”? Asked Sir Butt.  “Funny you should ask, my good man, I am on my way to my Point B, same as you”.  He replied.  “Well then”, remarked Sir Butt, “It is funny I should have asked, I already knew the answer”.  And both men laughed.

When the laughter subsided, Sir Butt was serious again in asking the man where he was in fact headed and he gestured his point B was over there and with a high arc of the index finger and then a second arch following the skyline.  Sir Butt was taken back a bit by this gesture and asked, “Are you telling me your Point B is every village as far as the horizon from one side of Common Ground to the other”?  “Yes, that is my goal.  To visit every village in all of Common Ground”.  He replied.  “That is one very big undertaking my good friend”.  Said Sir Butt.  “But, not so much as yours is Sir Butt”.  Replied the man.  “How do you know my name”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “I know everyones name in all of Common Ground”.  Answered the man.  “Amazing”!  Said Sir Butt, and then continued.  “And why in all of Common Ground would you take it upon yourself to get to know everyone in all of Common Ground”?  “Everyone in all of Common Ground takes it upon themselves to do something special with their lives”.  He said, continuing with, “Mine is to learn everyone’s name and where they live and to make it a point to visit with them at least once each year.  I know that sounds impossible, but I have been doing it for years and years and this is just one more year in a series”.  “But, this is the first time I have met you my good fellow”.  Said Sir Butt, “And I have lived in Common Ground all of my life.  I have not met you before and I don’t know your name and I am the all knowledgeable one”.  “AH!  But you DO know my name, Sir Butt”.  Said the man.  “No I don’t my friend”.  Responded Sir Butt.  And the man replied with, “Remember when you were back in Dragon School learning about dragons and their behaviors and how to slay them?  How hard you were working to gain as much knowledge as you could so that you would be the best of the best dragon slayer in all of Common Ground?  You had worked so very hard that you fell asleep with your face planted in one of your text books late at night.  I awakened you and gave you a gift and then told you that you had earned your right of passage to become the best of the best at everything you put your mind to doing.  And now, look at you!  The best of the best, the cleverest of the clever, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and the most knowledgeable of all in Common Ground”.   “Oh, and don’t forget, I am the man with the best of the best of steeds in all of Common Ground as well”!  Said Sir Butt.  “But, my friend, I do NOT recall meeting you”.  “But you did, Sir Butt”.  Said the man.  “You might not remember our meeting, but we did in fact meet then and I have met with you every year since that time, and even BEFORE that time.  Sir Butt, you look confused”.  “I am confused.  I am going through my vast knowledge and cannot put a name to your face, nor a face to your name, which I do not know.  I am very confused and perhaps you should tell me your name and then maybe it will jog my memory”.  Said Sir Butt.

“My name is taken from the gifts I give each year.  Everyone in Common Ground gets the same gift from me and that is my name.  You should have a bunch of them, if you in fact have kept them year after year, my friend Sir Butt.  Think about it for awhile, you will remember my name.  But for now, I must continue my travel, I have lots of that yet to do.  Toodle Do, Sir Butt, until we meet again”.  Replied the man and he began his slow walk down the path ahead of Sir Butt.  “Take care my friend”!  Yelled Sir Butt as the man slowly disappeared around a bend in the trail.

Sir Butt was beside himself trying really hard to think about ever meeting this man who he just did meet.  He is at a point where he is talking to himself and to Something and he just can’t come up with this man’s name, nor where they had ever met before.  And he claims to have met with him every year since that time, but Sir Butt can not for the life of himself ever remember meeting him.  “This is too strange, Something.  How in all of Common Ground could I meet someone once and then every year since that time, and yet cannot remember ever meeting him, nor seeing his face, nor remember his name”?

Sir Butt is really in a quandary at this time.  A man he chances to meet just now on the trail, who claims to have met him every year since he was in dragon school so very, very, very many years ago.  And even before dragon school.  And yet the all knowledgeable one can not recall even one meeting except this one, and the man claims he does in fact know who he is by the gifts that he has given him every year.  Boy o boy, Sir Butt is in a pickle!  (4)


Sir Butt begins his travels down the trail behind the stranger he just met, who claims he knows who he is and that they have met every year etc. etc. etc.  He is thinking, since the man was carrying such a big bag on his back and walking slowly that Something’s pace will cause them to meet up again and he can ask him some more questions and perhaps gain the knowledge he needs about who this man is.  They are moving at a pretty good pace but have not seen the man up the trail, nor down the trail when they have come to a hill with open hill sides.  After several hours, Sir Butt decides the man must have hidden off to the side of the trail to avoid having to answer his questions and that he was far enough off the trail that Something did not detect him hiding in the brush.  Oh well.

And on they go, covering as many trails and roads as they can in search of dangers.  Through the thickest of the thick brushy trails and into narrow cavernous rock roads they go.  Day after day and no dangers are to be found.  This is a good thing, thinks Sir Butt to himself.  I have cleaned up Common Ground very well over the years and where I have encountered dangers in previous years there are none today.  Aloud he says, “Something!  We owe ourselves a mug of ail!  We are close to the village of Jingle, so let’s make that our Point B.  We shall be there most hast”!  And off they trotted toward the village of Jingle.

It wasn’t long before Sir Butt and Something entered into the village of Jingle and of course went straight into the center of the town to where the tavern is located.  We all know that the tavern is the first erected structure in any and all of the villages in Common Ground.  And the towns folk build around this structure in a circle so that no-one has to travel any farther than someone else going to or coming from the tavern. “ WHOA”!  Sir Butt instructs Something, who had already stopped exactly where he needed to in order to allow Sir Butt to dismount without stepping in the rudeness of another’s steed.

Sir Butt walks slowly up to the door of the tavern and swings the door open as he steps inside.  The place is as full as it can get and Sir Butt has to push a little in order to get to the bar.  Once at the bar the man behind the counter greets him with a very cold mug of ail.  “On the house my friend”!  He said to Sir Butt.  “Many thanks to you, sir”!  Said Sir Butt and he picked up the mug and drank the ail without ever putting the mug down!  “AAHHHHH”!  Exclaimed Sir Butt, “That was fine!  I’ll have another”!  And the man behind the bar poured up another cold mug of ail and gave it to Sir Butt.  “You are Sir Butt, are you not”?  Said and asked the bartender.  “I am the one and only Sir Butt”!  Said Sir Butt.  “All drinks are on the house for you Sir Butt.  We have heard through the voices of many about the dragons they are finding slayed alongside the trails and roads leading throughout Common Ground and that you are the reason the trails and roads are safe!  EVERYONE!!!!  EVERYONE!!!  THIS MAN IS SIR BUTT!!!  THE DRAGON SLAYER OF ALL DRAGON SLAYERS IN ALL OF COMMON GROUND!!!”  He yelled.  And the crowd went as wild as could be and broke out into song! “ Fear Not Fair Maiden………..”(you’ve heard that before).  And then one by one each person in the tavern came up to Sir Butt and thanked him for the job he was doing at making their travels safe and each one bought him a cold ail and the merriment went on throughout the night and into the next day!

(So as not to get you all excited, after an hour or so of the partying, someone offered to put Sir Butt’s Steed, Something, up in the local stable for the night.  They fed and watered him and made him as comfortable as a steed can be made comfortable.  No animals are harmed or mistreated in this story, except of course the dangerous ones like the dragons and the like.  You don’t mind about them being bashed and slashed do you?  I don’t care if you do!  This is Sir Butt’s story and he will kill all the dangerous ones he wants to kill.   If that bothers you quit reading this and go check out a treehugger web site). (5)


Sir Butt has to sleep all through the daylight hours the next day in order to survive the night and early morning of before.  He awakens just as the sun is setting and tends to Something.  Something knows the next place Sir Butt is going to go is back into the tavern, which is exactly where Sir Butt went.

“Well, well, well, Sir Butt.  It’s nice to see you up and about”!  Said the bartender.  “Would you care for a pickled egg and perhaps a leg of turkey”?  He asked.  “The turkey leg sounds very good, but instead of the pickled egg, I’d rather have one of your very good dill pickles, and of course I’ll have an ail with that as well, my friend”!  Said Sir Butt.  “Excellent choice of drink Sir Butt, excellent”!  Responded the bartender.

As the tavern once again began filling up with patrons at the end of their hard working days, each spoke to Sir Butt and once again bought him ails.  Sir Butt was very courteous and did not want any of them to think he was not appreciative of their kindness, and politely accepted each and every ail offered.

Between conversations with the patrons Sir Butt and the bartender talked about the man Sir Butt had met on the trail.  And the two of them tried their dangdest  to figure out the mans name.  Sir Butt said this man visits EVERYONE In Common Ground every year and that would mean he visited this bartender and every one of the patrons.  And so the bartender made an announcement to the patrons.  “LISTEN UP FOLKS.  SIR BUTT MET A MAN DOWN THE TRAIL A FEW DAYS AGO WHO CLAIMS HE KNOWS EVERY PERSON’S NAME THAT LIVES IN COMMON GROUND.  THIS MAN ALSO CLAIMS HE VISITS EVERY ONE OF US EACH YEAR.  AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, HE GIVES US A GIFT EVERY YEAR.  AND ON TOP OF, THE TOP OF THAT, HIS NAME HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE GIFT HE GIVES AND HE HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.  CAN ANYONE HERE TELL SIR BUTT THIS MANS NAME”?

The crowd murmurs among themselves at their own tables and this goes on for quite some time but no body can think of anyone who visits each of them every year.  Someone each of them knows and each of them get the same gift from this man year after year.  They begin to think Sir Butt may have had too many ails in all his days or perhaps he has been on the trail killing dragons too long and his memory has gone and he is making things up.

Sir Butt announces to the patrons another insightful thing about this man:  “THIS MAN NEW MY NAME!  HE CALLED ME SIR BUTT!  AND EVEN TOLD ME SOME OF MY OWN PAST WHICH MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW”!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  The crowd now believes Sir Butt did in fact meet someone down the trail and that there is something about his story that makes it believable.  But who in all of Common Ground could this man be?  What gift was given to each of them year after year?  Who comes to visit them once each year that each of them know and like?  This mystery must be solved and so they continue  to drink mugs of ail and talk about the mysterious man on the trail.

Sir Butt asks the bartender about the village of Jingle and just what is it that most of the folks do in the town.  The bartender explains it this way:  There is a small mine up the hill that extracts silver metal out of the earth and that all of the metal extracted is purchased by a factory in town that takes the metal and mashes it together and forms petal like bends.  Each petal like bend is shaped the same, some are bigger and some are smaller depending on who the customer is that is ordering them.  Then another group puts all the petals together, fastening them at either end of the petals, by pounding the very ends of the petals together on small anvils.  Before the last petal is inserted and fastened they drop a small ball into the center of the petal’s enclosure and then the last petal is mauled into place.  What the end result is is a near sphere of silver metal with tiny spaces between the petals, except at the ends of course.  If one ties a tether to one end of the sphere and shakes it, the small ball inside rattles against the inside of the metal petals and it makes a ringing sound.  Very unique for Common Ground and most every village will purchase several of these every year.  It keeps the local villagers in work and keeps the economy of Common Ground in very good shape.  As long as everyone enjoys their mugs of ail, the town will continue to have good times.

“That is a very interesting story my friend”, said Sir Butt.  “Do you have a name for these small spherical  circles with a ball in the middle”?  He asked.   “For lack of a better word for them, most folks here just call them ‘bells’”.  Responded the bartender.  “Bells.  Very interesting”.  Responded Sir Butt. (6)


As the first light is hitting the mine above the village, Sir Butt is mounted up on Something and heading down the trail in search of more danger.

Riding down the trail it is impossible for Sir Butt to get his mind off of the two things of late that has him wondering about.  First, of course it the mysterious man he met and second is the fact that he did not know about the bells made in the village he just left.  He does not remember ever seeing any silver spheres with a ball inside in any of the villages he has been in, and he has been in them all.  He vows to make it a point to see one of the little silver spheres at his next village stop.

His trail is taking him to a place he has not been to in several years.  The last visit down this trail he encountered a very  vicious  beast that took him several whacks with Cache to bring it down.  He thought at one point in the battle that maybe his time had come and the beast was going to come out the victor.  But Something came through with a surprise that made Sir Butt the victor and cleared the area of a very nasty and dangerous beast indeed.

They plodded past the place where the previous battle had taken place and sure enough, there were the remnants of the beast laying there all sun bleached.  A reminder to all travelers that Sir Butt had been there clearing the way and making the trail safe.  No more encounters were had along that trail as Sir Butt and Something made their way to the other end of it.

Now on a trail that cut nearly ninety degrees to the last one, they were headed to the very end of Common Ground on that side.  The edge of Common Ground where one looks from a high vista across a large body of water.  There is no trail down to the water’s edge but the view is spectacular.   Sir Butt decides to spend the evening at this vista and enjoy the setting sun.  That evening Sir Butt could hear sounds that he had never heard before.  A low drumming sound with guttural references mixed in.  An eerie sound.  One that caused him to have a very sleepless night.  Something did not sleep as well and the two of them decided not to have any breakfast before leaving that place.  Sir Butt surmised that whatever it was that made those noises would not be up to the top of the vista to bother any travelers that may come to that end of Common Ground.  And of course, he was right.

They had to travel back along the trail they last came on to the vista to the intersection of the trail he was on before, you know, the one where the beasts bones were bleached.  They passed that intersection and proceeded toward the opposite end of Common Ground.  Here they entered the forest again and once more Sir Butt noticed the drops of dew responding with all the colors of the rainbow.  For some reason these rainbow colors were a bit more brilliant in this part of Common Ground than where he first saw them days ago.  Maybe it is just the angle of the sun, he thought.  It does not matter, they are pretty to look at and I will enjoy them until the heat of the day evaporates them from the ends of the leaves.

Sir Butt has never in all his days ever seen any danger down this trail through Common Ground and he does not expect to have anything happen on this trip either.  They travel down through the thickest forest in all of Common Ground and the elevation gets lower and lower to the point the vegetation turns from forest, to  brush and into a desert environment with little water.  Sir Butt has prepared their journey with a lambs gut bag filled with water, enough for the two of them for several days.  At the end of this trail, Sir Butt is overlooking a vertical cliff and there is nothing but air and space from where he stands to forever a distance away from his feet.  The clouds are hanging below him and if there is land under those clouds he can not see it.  He feels the breeze blowing up from under him and it is hot, as if it is being heated by some sort of external force.

Sir Butt reminded himself that he must go on.  There are more trails to cover and more dangers to seek out.  And so the two of them turn around and back track through the desert and to the next trail. (7)


Sir Butt and Something have just been to both sides of Common Ground and seen sights that they had not seen in quite some time.  They have not met any dangers since leaving the village of Jingle and this is all good news for Sir Butt and for that matter, all of the people in Common Ground.  They can pretty much travel where they wish, as there are no dangers.  At least not where Sir Butt and Something have had the chance to travel.

They awaken on a mountain overlooking rolling hills and make their normal breakfast of lamb broth and hard bread before breaking camp and heading off.  Sir Butt is just about finished putting his things on the back of Something, when he hears a voice calling his name from the distance.  “Sir Butt!  Sir Butt!  Hold up a minute!  I have some important news”!  Sir Butt is looking around for the person who has called out his name, but can not see anyone.  Again the voice is heard, “Sir Butt!  Sir Butt!  Over here”!

Sir Butt can not see who is calling his name and so he begins walking in the direction of the voice.  Something begins to dance in circles and stomp and snort.  Sir Butt looks back at Something and his antics has Sir Butt very aware that whoever  or whatever is calling his name is not a friendly sort.

Sir Butt walks back to Something and mounts up.  Checks his Cache and begins to ride in the direction of the voice.  Something begins to shrink.  Sir Butt is thinking , “What man would call my name and be a danger”?  Something has shrunken again.  Then as quick as a wink, out from Sir Butt’s left side springs a dragon that has not been seen in Common Ground for centuries.  It is one of the largest dragons in all of Common Ground and it was thought to be non-existent.  The Ventriloquist Dragon!!!!!  Sir Butt, draws Cache from his Account and heels Something straight at the dragons chest.  The dragon towers above the two of them as they charge head long toward the dragon.  The dragon stands up on its two hind feet and the two of them ride right under the dragons belly.  Now behind the dragon, the dragon is confused as to their whereabouts and begins to turn around to face them.

Something has come to a halt, turned around and is now charging toward the tail of the dragon.  Sir Butt has Cache held high and as the dragon comes around to face them it meets the top half of Cache slicing the underside of its neck, severing all the vital fluid tubes found in a dragons neck!  The dragon spins and spins and finally falls dead on the ground.

Sir Butt and Something are catching their breath as the dragon falls.  “Let that be the last of the Ventriloquist Dragons ever in Common Ground”!  Exclaimed Sir Butt.  And Something stomped the ground once with each of his two front feet.

“Well, Something.  That is quite a way to start a morning in Common Ground, is it not”?  Asked Sir Butt.  And Something shook his head up and down in agreement.  “I honestly thought I heard a mans voice calling my name and that is why I ventured in that direction without you.  I had not thought for one moment there would be a  Ventriloquist Dragon laying in wait to stomp my being and rip out my heart.  I thank you dearly once again for saving me.  You are the greatest steed in all the land”!

So, with that danger gone, they again proceeded down the trail in search of more.

Two days pass as they travel and no more dangers have been seen nor heard.  They are beginning to think that all the trails in Common Ground are safe once again for the travelers.  They are joyous and Sir Butt talks loudly to Something, and Something dances and prances when Sir Butt does so.  It is as if they are having a joyous good time by themselves, which they are.

Down the trail they are going when Something suddenly comes up short.  He stops his travel without being told to or signaled by Sir Butt.  Sir Butt knows that he only does that if there is an unknown in the trail ahead.  Not necessarily danger, just someone or something that Something does not recognize or smell.  Sir Butt sits tall on Something but can not see anything or anyone in the trail ahead.  Suddenly a voice calls out:  “God Bless You Merry Gentlemen, There Is Something You Should Know”!  Sir Butt grasps for Cache and withdraws it from his Account.  He is thinking it could be another Ventriloquist Dragon, but then Something is not shrinking.  And then he sees movement on the right side of the trail ahead and a man steps out from behind a tree and waves.

WHEEWWW!  Thinks Sir Butt, it is our friend from who knows where that knows everyone and everything and gives us gifts and visits us each year and no one knows who he is or what his name is or what gift he gives….ya….it’s him. (8)


“Hello there my friend”!  Calls out Sir Butt.  “Hello”! Calls out the man who knows everyone but nobody can think of who he is.  “You had me going there Sir”.  Said Sir Butt and then he continued.  “ I drew my sword and prepared to smitten you because I thought you might be a Ventriloquist Dragon”!  “HA!  Ventriloquist Dragon!  There was but one of them left in all of Common Ground and you did him in the other day”!  Said the man.  Sir Butt scratches his head in disbelief and asks, “How on Common Ground did you know about my dealing with the Ventriloquist Dragon a few days back”?  “Oh, Sir Butt, I know a lot more than people give me credit to know about each of them, AND YOU, I might add”!  He exclaimed.

(Well, Sir Butt has met back up with the man who knows everyone, but no one seems to know who he is.  This is quite the story isn’t it.  His name has something to do with the gifts he leaves when he visits everyone each year.  Strange.  My head is being scratched as I type and I type with two hands, how can that be?  Will this guy tell Sir Butt his name or is Sir Butt going to have to go through life not knowing?  You know what that would do to a man who calls himself “the all knowing one”!)

“My good man”! Begins Sir Butt, “The last time I saw you, you were clear over on the other side of Common Ground with a large bag of goods on your back and no steed on which to ride.  How on Common Ground did you get clear over here”?  He asked.  “Ho! Ho”!  Said the man, “Perhaps I should invest in a steed.  The number of people I have to see each year is getting to be more and more, but I made a promise and I will keep it, steed or no steed.  You see Sir Butt, when a man makes a promise and breaks it, it breaks people’s hearts.  I am not going to break anyone’s heart even if it takes me all year to visit everyone, I will do it”!  “You are quite the man my friend”.  Responded Sir Butt and then added,  “And may I ask, whom did you make the promise to”?   “You may ask”, the man said and then continued with “I made the promise to myself many, many years ago.  You see my childhood was not what some would call very pleasant and when I would see others my age receiving special gifts and I did not, my heart was broken.  So, I made a promise to myself, that I would see to it that everyone in Common Ground would receive a gift from me every year and I have kept that promise to this day”.  “But, my good man”, began Sir Butt, “when people do not remember meeting you or receiving a gift from you, don’t you think you are wasting your precious time continuing to do it”?  “Not at all”!  He responded.  “It may be that they do not appreciate or remember, but in my own mind, I have given and that is what really matters to me.  What they do with the gift is their business.  I have always given everyone the same gift every year and in my mind, over the years, if they were to collectively put the gifts to good use they could expand on their own worth and see that there is more to Common Ground than what we see today.  Actually I am not seeing my gift being utilized as I had hoped, but I will continue to give it anyway and then some day perhaps someone will see what I was trying to accomplish”.  “HMMMMM”, hummed Sir Butt.

“And I am one of those who have not used your gift in the manner in which you would have liked to see it used”.  Said Sir Butt.  “Yes”.  Began the man.  “You are one, but you are one of all of the rest, NO ONE in Common Ground has used my gift in the manner in which I was hoping it would be used.  But then in your case, and the case of a few others, like your friend Sir Clanks A lot, you do not have a place in Common Ground where my gift would be of much value.  You travel the lands and my gift is meant as more of a permanent place gift.  One that could be used to a greater value than the gift itself.  However, you could give the gift to someone else and they could expand upon what I have been trying to accomplish.  You would also benefit from the gift in another way”.  “HMMMMM”, hummed Sir Butt again.

You see Sir Butt is trying to figure out what this man is all about and to hopefully gain a hint as to what the gift is that he says he is giving to each of the people in Common Ground and that would lead to the mans name, which Sir Butt has no clue as to what it is.  The most cleaver of the cleaver ones in all of Common Ground has come up against an even more cleaver person than himself and this in and of itself is a bothersome thing for Sir Butt.  Will he be able to sleep tonight?  Ya, he will, the ail he drinks will make sure he sleeps well.  (9)


“Well, Sir Butt, it has once again been my pleasure to talk with you.  I have lots of more folks to see and gifts to hand out.  Enjoy the rest of your day and evening and for that matter, the rest of your life.  I am off once again to my Point B.  Toodle Do”!  Said the man and then he was off down the trail in the direction where Sir Butt had just come.  His large sack over his back and it wasn’t long before he disappeared behind the screen of forest trees and shrubs.

“A very interesting man”.  Sir Butt said outloud.  “Very interesting”.  “Something?  Do you think our meeting him a second time in such a short time, means that we will not see him again until maybe next year?  And, and, what in Common Ground is this!?!  Something!  Look at this!  Where did it come from?  What is it”?

Sir Butt has obviously discovered some sort of object that he had not seen before and it suddenly appeared as if by magic had made it appear.  What is it?  We can only continue to read along and find out.  You see, not even I, the writer of this, knows for sure what it is.  Sir Butt, Something and the rest of the folks that preside in Common Ground will have to figure this one out.  The man obviously has an intent for these gifts to be used in a specific manner and to this date none have used it as such.  At least not intentionally.  Or at least not exactly the way the mysterious man wants the gifts to be used.

“Something.  This was not here when we stopped to talk to the man who just left us.  I know this for a fact!  Could this be the gift the man has been handing out for years?  I am not sure I have ever seen such as this before.  Maybe in my dreams I will be able to remember having a gift like this before, but as of now, I can not.  Just what is it”?

Sir Butt makes certain that the gift is placed safely in a satchel, separate from all of the other things in that same satchel and that it is protected from harm and disfigurement.  And then down the trail they once again ride in search of danger and troublesome menaces’.

After a very long and hard memory bashing day, Sir Butt is more than ready to make camp and get some sleep.  Once Something is tethered nearby, Sir Butt pulls from his satchel his stash of ail, and the mysterious item that suddenly appeared in his hands.  He sips the ail and studies the item intently.  It is mostly round shaped on the bottom and solid and has dimples or dents that appear to be made from a persons hands pressing it together.  The top of it, however, looks like it could have been growing, like grass or forest vegetation or something.  Could it be that this man makes these things himself and then hands them out to the people he meets in Common Ground?  Could it be these things that fill the bag on the mans back?  Sir Butt thinks about this for quite some time and then deducts that as heavy as the one is that he is holding in his hand, to have a bag full of them would be impossible for any man to pick up and sling over his back.  So, it is not these things that are in the bag.  But, when did the man make it and give it to Sir Butt?  It had to be him that left it with him when he departed and went down the path on his way.  But, Sir Butt did not see him actually give it to him.  Oh, this is all so very confusing.  (10)


Sir Butt has a very good nights’ sleep and awakens to a new dawn in Common Ground.  The first thing he notices is the dew on the leaves and how intense the colors are shining and even though the morning sun is still a long way off from shining, the glowing of the dew drops is very bright.  He sits there in the pre-dawn and enjoys the colors shifting and changing from red to yellow to blue and to green.  He sips on his cup of lamb broth and munches his hard bread and thinks to himself what a wonderful land this is, Common Ground.  And what a wonderful life he lives.  His job is to make safe the trails and roads and he is doing that to his utmost best.  Only a few more trails to travel and he will have completed his task and then the ways will be safe for all the travelers going from their Points A to their Points B.

“Come on Something!  It’s time to travel”!  And he gathers up all of his things and prepares to depart down the trail to their next Point B.

As the day progresses and no more dangers have been found, Sir Butt finds himself continuing to think about the gift in his satchel.  A strange gift indeed, he thinks to himself.  What is it and what intent did the man have for such a gift.  It appears to Sir Butt that the item is made of the ground  or at least a portion of the ground and not any ground that he has personally slept on or seen before.  Maybe it is not part of the ground.  But it sure looks like it could be.  The top looks as if it had something growing on it and the bottom looks like it could have been molded with the hands of a man.

Still puzzled he continues down the trail and finds himself at the far side of Common Ground once again.  This side is also a vista and to look down one can not see very far as the ground under his feet undercuts where he is standing and the clouds actually fill the gap below him, and continue up and over his head as if it were a white puffy wall.  Certainly the end of Common Ground in these parts.  “Not much sense sticking around here, Something.  I can not see anything more in this direction and if there are dangers out there, they won’t be bothersome to us here in Common Ground.  Let us go.  We have but one trail left to travel and make safe”!

And off they go, to the last trail they have to cover in all of Common Ground to make safe, in order that all of the travelling folks can go safely to their Points B.  And so it was.  Sir Butt and Something do in fact travel to the last edge of Common Ground and they found no dangers along the way.  At the end of this trail is a fun little village that Sir Butt only gets around to visiting once in any given year and he is looking forward, as always, to enjoy an ail in their quaint little tavern.

Coming down the road are some travelers who have just left the little village ahead.  “Hello  Travelers”!  Yells Sir Butt in a jovial manner.  “Hello, Sir Butt!”  Yells back one of the travelers, and then continued.  “We have to be going on our way or we would stay and have an ail with you.  We have not seen you in about a years time, but then we have not seen our friends at our Point B in longer than that.  Have a good time in Yuletide”!  “I will”!  Said Sir Butt.  “Rest assured your travel is safe to your Point B.  I have completed my rounds throughout all of Common Ground and cleared all paths of dangers”!  “Thank You, Sir Butt!  You are the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers”!  Yelled back another of the travelers.

And so, the end of the trail Sir Butt is on ends at the village of Yuletide.  Now this little village has a very unique gathering of folks.  They are people just like the rest in Common Ground except for one thing.  They are quite short compared to the rest.  On the other hand, Sir Butt is quite tall for the average in Common Ground and so when he visits Yuletide he is like a giant among most of these villagers.  Which does not bother him nor them.  They are used to being shorter than everyone else.  Another thing about these villagers is that they are always sooooo very happy!  It does not take much for them to break out into song and party till the wee hours of the night.

Sir Butt and Something prance right up to the village center, the tavern, and Sir Butt tethers Something to the hitching post.  And then into the tavern he goes for a cold mug of ail.  Now, you would think that a village of mostly shorter people would build shops and homes shorter than the rest of the villages in Common Ground, but this is not the case.  They build their buildings just like the others in all of Common Ground.  They know they are going to have visitors coming and going and to make shorter ceilinged homes and shops would make it so the visitors could not come inside, or make them stoop and be uncomfortable.  And so, the wise men of the village started right off by building normal sized homes, shops and of course the tavern.  (11)


The people of Yuletide always like to see Sir Butt come into their town.  It means he has reached the end of his journey and cleared ALL of the pathways, trails and roads throughout all of Common Ground of dangers and evil things.  Folks from all over Common Ground can come and go without fear.  It is a joyous time for everyone.  The folks from Yuletide always plan a big time party for when Sir Butt arrives and this is no exception.  His cold mug of ail is waiting for him at the bar and everyone in the village is at the tavern to greet him.  They are such a joyous group to be around.  One never knows what sort of prank or joke might be in store for them.  This time, they had planned on everyone telling Sir Butt “hello” at the same time.  And so it was, when he walked in the door of the tavern a very raucous “HELLO SIR BUTT”!  Greeted is entry.  And then everyone laughed and laughed.  Sir Butt took off his hat and bowed to them all and with a big old grin on his face, he politely YELLED, “HELLLOOOOO”!!!!  Back to them.  And everyone laughed and laughed and laughed some more!

As the day went on, Sir Butt told them about slaying the two dragons and how he was almost taken down and maybe one day a dragon is going to cause him to miss his date of visiting Yuletide.  But, this time he is there to enjoy the company and party with them.  It was beginning to get dark by the time Sir Butt finished with his dragon stories and one of the gentlemen of the village said “Hey, let’s go into the forest and get us some logs and start our traditional fire.  We can move this party outside and enjoy the rest of the evening around it”!  And several of the men jumped up and ran out into the forest.

The rest of them moved tables and chairs and pulled out the outdoor bar and set everything up around the fire ring.  (The fire ring is a ring of fairly large rocks that outlines exactly where the fire is going to be, and it also helps to keep the fire from spreading where it is not supposed to go).  This is going to be one heck of a party so get yourself ready for it.

It wasn’t long before the men came back from the forest with these huge logs and they placed them inside the fire ring.  Then one of the wise men of the village made an announcement to the rest of the village.  “Here Ye!  Here Ye!  Let us toast to our good friend and man who keeps Common Ground safe for us all.  The bravest of the brave!  The cleverest of the clever!  The most knowledgeable of all knowledgeable ones!  The dragon slayer of all dragon slayers!  And the master of the best of the best steeds in all of Common Ground!  Sir Butt”!!!!  And the whole town tipped up their mugs of ail in Sir Butt’s honor!  Sir Butt politely, bowed and then tipped his mug up in their honor.

As Sir Butt was drinking his toast to his village friends he noticed in the darkness the dew drops on the tips of all of the leaves on every tree was still showing the glow and colors of the rainbow, only it was dark outside and yet they shined so very bright and beautiful.  He had never seen something so inspiring in all of his days on Common Ground.  It was almost a magical experience.

“Let’s start the fire”!  Yelled someone from the village.  And it was done.  The fire started low and soon was a real big blaze.  Nowhere in the village could you not see everyones face in its light.  A beautiful sight to say the least.  Sir Butt commented to someone close to him that he always liked to come to Yuletide and enjoy the fire.  There is just something special about Yuletide logs on fire that brings out a festive attitude to everyone.  But these village folks are always festive and they broke out into song.  And when that song was done they sang another and everyone knew every word and everyone knew what the next song was going to be and it was festive indeed.  There isn’t much that is better than Yuletide songs being sung by a fire.  And they drank more and more ail and had one great big old party all night long.  (12)


The party lasted well into the wee hours of the morning, like most of the parties that Sir Butt is involved with and he begins his day with another mug of you know what.  As the village folks woke up they would filter into the tavern and order up a mug of the same and then came a big breakfast for all to enjoy.  Leg of lamb, ham, turkey, baked breads, pickles and the list goes on.  There is always more than anyone can eat and so they gorge themselves on it all.  What a wonderful time these people are having.  But, you know, this sort of party is not just happening in this little village alone.  It is happening all over Common Ground.  Every village is having a similar party.  There is just something special about this time of year that makes people all over Common Ground get together and have a good time.  What a great place to be and what a great time of year.

Sir Butt finishes his breakfast and then excuses himself to care to Something.  Like always he finds Something in a comfortable stable and he walks him out into the forest to relieve himself.  Something is very glad too, because he was feeling a bit uncomfortable.  But now, all is well, and he loves to be in this stable with the other steeds.  They seem to be having a party of their own in there.

Sir Butt tells Something he is going back to the tavern and talk about the man who knows everyone in Common Ground and he also takes the gift he has into the tavern with him.

Approaching the bar, Sir Butt sets the gift on the counter and unwraps it from its safe wrapping.  The bartender looks at it with a curious look and says, “Looks a lot like something I have”!  “It does”? Questions Sir Butt.  “Well, mine isn’t as large as that, but then I’m not as big as you”.  Said the bartender, and he went on to say.  “You see if mine was that big I probably could not pick it up, it would be too heavy”.  “I see”.  Said Sir Butt.  “Would you mind getting it and we can compare”.  Sir Butt went on to say.  “Of course not, I’ll be right back with it”.  Said the bartender.

Soon the bartender was back with his “thing” and set it on the bar next to Sir Butt’s.  They studied the two items and sure enough they decided they were exactly the same, or nearly so, but what are they?  Pretty soon everyone in the village was in the tavern discussing and showing their own things.  Everyone had one unless they had tossed it away not knowing it was a gift.  One man said he had a whole pile of them but he had no idea where they came from, nor what good they were, he just kept putting the next one along side the one he got the year before and now he has a small mountain of them.

Sir Butt was curious about this pile of them and asked if he could go and see it.  Of course the man obliged and Sir Butt, the man with the mountain of them and several others went to see the pile.  Once at the pile Sir Butt examined several of them and sure enough they were all pretty much the same.  All of them had the same grassy looking, forest brush dried up stuff on the top and a hand molded sort of round bottom.  “What do you make of these things”?  Asked Sir Butt to the man who had the pile.  “Well, I just have not been able to figure that out”.  He said, and then went on.  “There is one thing that is curious though, look back here”.  And they walked to the other side of the pile.  The man pointed at several plants growing from out of the pile.  “You see these”?  He said.  “I did not plant them, but they seem to be growing from out of the pile.  Each year they get some very sweet clusters of fruit on them and I have eaten them and they are very delicious indeed.  I do not know what they are called, nor do I much care, because they are very good to eat.  Sweet as sweet can be and the bees love them too”.

Sir Butt is looking very closely at the plant and sees a small cluster of dried fruit hidden deep in the stand of plants.  “It looks as though you overlooked this small cluster.  Do you mind if I pick it”?  Sir Butt said and asked.  “Of course not, go right ahead”.  Responded the man with the pile.  Sir Butt reached in and picked the dried up cluster.  “Let’s go back to the tavern and have ourselves another cold mug of ail and talk about this cluster and these “things” we have.  And back to the tavern they went.  (13)


Into the tavern they went, one by one and up to the bar.  Sir Butt laid the dried cluster of fruit on the bar and began to look it over quite intently.  He asked the man with the pile of gifts, “Are these the fruit you pick”?  He answered, “Well kind of.  When I pick them they are full of sweet juice and they are round and full.  The whole cluster is quite large with many, many round fruits all hooked together on one stem”.  “And so”, began Sir Butt, “What we are seeing now is a cluster that used to be full of juice and fairly large, to small dried up fruits still clinging to the stem”.  “It appears so”.  Said the man with the pile.  “Well then”.  Began Sir Butt, “My surmising then, tells me that if the fruits are good to eat when they are full of sweet juice, that they should still be good to eat when they are shriveled and dried.  I shall try one”.  And he picked off one of the dried fruits from the stem and popped it into his mouth.  “MMMMM, quite tastey”.  Said Sir Butt.  “I have never tasted such as this before in my time”.

Again the entire village gathered around and looked at the small cluster of dried fruit and each in his and her turn had something to say about it.  Just what it is we do not know because nobody in the tavern had ever seen it before.  Only the man with the pile.

Sir Butt says, “Well Folks we have ourselves a pretty good mystery going on here.  First off, there is a man in Common Ground who is giving us gifts of, whatever this is, (and he holds up his gift), and it appears that out of a pile of, whatever this is, (still holding up his gift), comes plants that bear clusters of sweet tasting fruit and we do not know what it is nor what to do with it.  Do any of you recall the mans name who is giving you these gifts”?  And the crowd all looked around at each other and all were in disbelief and none could remember the mans name, none could recall meeting anyone who gave them the gifts they had received.  Only a few of them, like the man with the huge pile of gifts, kept the gifts given to them.

And so the mystery gets deeper as more and more of the folks in Common Ground are made aware of what Sir Butt has discovered.  It seems that only Sir Butt has met this man who claims to know everyone in Common Ground and only Sir Butt has been told by this man that these gifts are meant to be used in some fashion that at this time is only known by himself.  This story is really getting to me, how about you?  (14)


“Attention everyone”!  Calls out Sir Butt.  “It seems to me that our gifts may be made of soil.  But this soil is not of any liking to any soil found here in Common Ground.  I have travelled this land extensively and I have not seen, stepped on, slept on nor ever relieved myself on, any soil of this type.  Does anyone know of a soil specialist in all of Common Ground.  By soil specialist I mean someone who has devoted their life to studying soil”?  And the crowd looks at each other and shaking their heads, none can think of anyone they may know that has that kind of background.

“Well, then”, begins Sir Butt again, “Let us partake of more ail and perhaps we can teach ourselves about this gift of whatever it is”.  And mugs of cold ail are poured and passed to everyone.  Sir Butt has taken his gift and began to poke at it with his small knife and small chunks are falling off of it.  Some of the chunks are very small, while others come off with sizable pieces of the same type of material.  Sir Butt is beginning to talk to himself while doing this.  And as he is talking others are looking over his shoulder and under his shoulder and alongside his shoulder and still others are breathing into his face to have a look at what is coming off of his gift.  All the while everyone is still partaking of their cold mugs of ail.  Every once in awhile Sir Butt sits back from his task and takes a sip of ail from his own mug.

The probing of his gift goes on and on, and soon there is nothing left but a pile of pieces of his gift before him on the bar.  Sir Butt sits back and studies the pile with some intensity, trying his best to decide what next to do.  “Another mug of ail please my friend”.  He calls out.  “I think I am on to something here.  Only I can decide what I have found and only I can continue to dissect my gift and only I can share with you what my thinking is once I decide just what I think is going on here”.

Sipping on his ail, he again takes his knife and carefully moves some of the smaller pieces away from the larger pieces.  And then he moves other materials away from the piles that look like they could be soil, but not soil at the same time.  Then he moves materials from the materials that don’t look like the same type of materials in the pile and not so very soon, later, he has several piles of common like substances that he can not separate any more times.  He sits back and smiles!  The crowd around him are filled with joy to see Sir Butt smile and they know that the all knowledgeable one has expanded upon his own being and is about to unfold a portion of the mystery to them.

“Please, another ail”!  Says Sir Butt.  And an ail is delivered.  The entire tavern is deathly quiet and no one is looking anywhere else but directly at Sir Butt and his multiple piles of whatever it is, that is piled on the bar before him.

And then he announces to the crowd: “I believe what we have here is a soil clod”.  And the crowd gave a unified sigh of relief.  WHEEEEEWWWHHHHH.  And then someone asked the question, “What is a soil clod, Sir Butt”?  “Know you not your own soil clods”?  Answered Sir Butt.  “I’m sorry, Sir Butt, I am not knowledgeable like you and I do not till the land so I do not know what a soil clod is”.  He responded to Sir Butt’s question.  “Does anyone in here till the land”?  Asked Sir Butt.  The crowd once again looks around to their lefts and their rights and all are shaking their heads like none of them are tillers of the soil.  “I see”!  Exclaimed Sir Butt.  “It does not surprise me that none of you till the soil and therefore you would not understand what a soil clod was, even if it were right before your eyes like this one is, (and he points to his several piles of whatever it is), or this one, (and he picks up the one the bartender had brought in), and so I must give you all a lesson in soil tilling and the bottom line of what a soil clod is”. (15)


Let me begin my explanation about what a soil clod is by starting with the end result of tilling the soil, planting, harvesting and making into something more useful than that which was  planted and harvested and made into something.  This morning we ate a wonderful breakfast of lamb and ham and turkey and baked bread, did we not”?  “And pickles”!  Interrupted someone from the crowd.  “Oh, and pickles.  Thank you”.  Responded Sir Butt and proceeded with his lesson.

“Let us concentrate on the baked bread.  Baked bread can not be had for breakfast or any meal for that matter, unless someone, somewhere grows a plant from which the flour to make the bread can be made.  And so, let us call the person who is going to grow a plant that will be used to make the flour in which the bread will be made, a “flourman”.  The flourman must first get the soil ready to accept the seeds of the plant from which the flour is going to be made.  The flourman will take a very pointed stick and drive it into the ground before him, thus making a hole some few inches deep.  He will then remove the stick and reveal a small hole and in this hole he will drop a seed.  A seed from which will grow a plant that  will  produce more seeds and those seeds can be pulverized into flour from which we can make the bread.  Am I being quite clear to this point”?  Said and asked Sir Butt.

One man in the group raised his hand and said, “Sir Butt, I am a bit confused by the calling of the man planting the seeds a ‘flourman’.  It seems to my way of logic, that if you are the one planting the seeds from which a plant will grow that in turn will produce enough seeds to be pulverized and made into the flour used to make our bread, then you should be called the ‘seedman’.  Likewise, the one who actually pulverized the seeds and makes them into the flour should be called the ‘flourman’”.

“HMMMM”, thought Sir Butt, and then he responded.  “You have a very logical mind my good man, and so be it.  Please change all that I said about ‘flourman’ and make that person ‘seedman’”.  And then he went on.

“Ok.  So ‘seedman’ is going along poking holes in the ground making the holes necessary to plant the seed that will grow and produce enough more seeds that the ‘flourman’ can pulverize and make into the flour used to make our bread.  BUT, every once in awhile, the dirt around his stick will cling to his stick and when he pulls it out of the hole, all the dirt around the hole comes up with the stick, leaving a large hole in the ground and a glob of dirt on the stick. Then the ‘seedman’ will knock it off the stick and poke the stick back into the ground to make another smaller hole.  Now let us analyze just what took place.

The ‘seedman’ placed the stick into the ground making a hole.  The stick was removed from the hole, only this time the entire bunch of dirt around the stick held tightly to the stick and when it was brought up, the dirt came with it, thus no small hole was made.  ‘Seedman’, tapped the stick to get the dirt to fall off of the stick and the pieces of dirt fell on the ground.  It is those pieces of dirt that I shall call clods!  Dirt clods.  Soil clods, whatever you want to call them, they are clods.  Do you all understand?  It is important that you do”.  Said, asked and said again Sir Butt.

Now the folks are all looking around at each other and shaking their heads in agreement.  Finally one of them said,  “That all makes perfect sense to us all.  Go on Sir Butt tell us more”.  (16)


“Now that we all know what a clod is, let me explain what I have done with my gift of whatever it is”.  Began Sir Butt.  “What I did was break up my gift, my gift that I will from here on out call my clod, into smaller pieces.  And then I organized the pieces into pieces of commonality.  And I continued to do this until there were no other ways to break it up.  Once that was done, we have what we have here before us.  Several, and I do mean several, small piles of whatever it is.  Over here it looks like a pile of, let us call it dirt, for simplicity sake.  Here is one we shall call grass.  This one let’s call it forest stuff.  This one we will call sand.  This one looks like animal waste of some sort and finally a single seed”.

“Ok, Sir Butt”.  Began someone in the crowd.  “So we have several piles of commonality, what does that tell us”?  “Well, we do in fact have several piles of commonality before us, but further analysis shows us clearly that there is only one seed”.  Began Sir Butt, “And studying the piles further, we can see we have a bigger pile of sand than we have dirt.  I deduct that the animal waste, grass and forest stuff are just happen stance (I have heard of him before) that was collected when the man who knows us all and gives us these gifts, gathered it all together.  Of course I am just trying to make some sort of sense out of all of this.  Let’s have another ail and think about this”!  Of course the crowd agreed and the bartender was quite busy pouring cold mugs of ail for everyone to enjoy.  He made a comment about what he had learned today and in such a short period of time and all.  He will be able to use this learning for many, many years in his bartending business.

While they were on a sort of break from Sir Butt explaining all that was discovered, Sir Butt asked the bartender a question.  “My good man”.  He began.  “Last night when all of the singing was commencing, I noticed many of the villagers were holding onto sticks that had a shiny thing on top of it and it made a bit of a ringing sound.  Just what were those and would it be possible for me to see one up close”?  “Why yes, Sir Butt, I have one right here behind the bar”.  And the bartender produced a stick with a very shiny silver ball on top and when Sir Butt shook it, it made a ringing sound.  “And just where in Common Ground did you get this”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “Well, a group of us ordered the silver balls from a man in the village of Jingle, they call them bells.  Then we attached them to the stick so we could control the ringing and we use them when we sing our songs”.  “That is a very clever devise”.  Said Sir Butt. (17)


“Alright folks”!  Yells out Sir Butt, “Shall we proceed with our deductive reasoning”?  And then he waited until all of them gathered around to hear more of what he had to say.  “Now, folks, what I am about to tell you might not be absolutely correct in every way, but I think it is going to be close, in my humble opinion of course”.  Sir Butt said and then continued.  “Where is the man with the dried up fruit on the stem”?  He asked.  The man stepped forward with the stem.  “Do you think there could be a seed in one of the dried fruits on that stem”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “I don’t know, but there might be.  Why don’t you take one off the stem and cut it with your knife”.  He replied as he handed Sir Butt the stem with the few dried fruits on it.

Sir Butt took the stem and extracted one of the dried fruits and carefully cut it with his knife.  Scraping through the cut portion of the fruit Sir Butt did in fact reveal a single seed.  He carefully cleaned the seed off being very careful not to cut the seed or damage it in any way.  Then he slid the seed over next to the seed he had extracted from his own gift and sure as all blazes, both seeds looked exactly alike!  “Well, I’ll be graped”!  Said the man with the big pile of gifts!  And everyone in the tavern had to take a look and sure enough they all agreed both seeds were exactly the same.

“So, folks it looks like our mystery man has been giving us gifts that had a seed that would produce a plant that yielded delicious fruit and being who we are, we looked at this dirt clod and gave it a toss.  None of us knew where it came from, and none of us had a use for it and therefore it went to waste”.  Said Sir Butt.  All of them, including Sir Butt were feeling rather down at this moment.  To think someone gave them what they thought was a very good gift.  A gift that would yield to them many years of goodness and most of them just tossed the gift away.

Sir Butt broke the silence by saying, “The mystery man told me, at our last visit, that if we would have used the gifts over the years and put them together we would have something of a greater value than that of the gift itself.  And that even if I had no use for it because of my traveling, that I could pass it on to anyone else and they could pool it with their own gifts and we all could share in the benefits of the gifts.  I’m not totally sure what he meant by that but I’m sure we can figure it out”.

The man with the big pile of gifts near his home spoke up and said, “Sir Butt, and the rest of the village, I think I can shed some light on what he might have meant.  As you know, over the years I have been tossing these dirt clods up in a heap, you saw that.  And the seeds have grown the plants that you saw growing, and those plants produced many bunches of the round fruits and I ate a lot of them.  But, I was not able to eat them all, and so, I tried to save them for later use.  I placed the fruits inside one of my goat skin water pouches and forgot they were there.  One day after doing my daily tasks I went to my home and found the water pouch and drank from it.  Instead of water that came from the pouch it was a very mellow fruit tasting drink that made my head spin.  I thought this could not be a good thing and I put the pouch away.  I will go and get it and we will see what it brings forth”.  And the man left the tavern.

Of course while the man is gone, everyone is murmuring about what he was talking about.  They ordered everyone up another cold mug of ail and the discussion continued.  Soon the man was back with the pouch.  “Here Sir Butt”.  He said, “Take the pouch and see what you think of the contents”.  And Sir Butt took the pouch and pulled the wooden cork from it.  Placing it close to his nose he smelled it.  Slowly at first and then with deep breaths after that.  Sir Butt said, “I do not know what is inside, but it smells very good”.  And he passed the pouch around the room to let everyone smell the smells coming out of the pouch.  Everyone was in agreement that the smell was quite pleasing.  Once the pouch was back in Sir Butt’s hands he asked the bartender for an empty mug.

Sir Butt poured a very small amount of the liquid from the pouch into the mug to examine it.  “It has a slight bluish tint to it, oh wait maybe it is more of a redish tint.  It’s hard to tell in this light.  But it is as clear as clear can be, you can still see the bottom of the mug”.  And once again he passed the mug with the little bit of liquid in it around the tavern for all to see.  Everyone agreed with everything Sir Butt had said.  When the mug came back to Sir Butt, he said to everyone, “I am going to taste this and see if the taste is anywhere as pleasant as the smell”.  And he lifted the mug to his lips and slowly sipped in the liquid.  Everyone’s eyes were on Sir Butt and his reaction to the liquid.  (18)


In the back of Sir Butt’s mind he was telling himself this liquid could be a poison of some kind and that drinking of it might cause him his death.  But, then he had already heard from the man with the big pile of gifts, that he had taken a drink from what he thought was a water container and so his drink would have been a much bigger drink than that which he was about to take, and the man is still alive and well today.  What major harm could come of this little sip of liquid?

Sir Butt let the liquid sit in his mouth for quite some time and the vapors wafted up and around through his sinuses and the flavor stayed on his tongue for a long time and it was a very pleasant sweet taste and when he finally let it slide down his throat it was warm and soothing.  Sir Butt enjoyed that sip of liquid so much, he had a strong desire to fill the mug up with more and savor more and more of it, but he refrained.  All eyes were on Sir Butt as he finished the sip of liquid.  And when it was all over, Sir Butt said, “Folks, that is a most pleasant drink if I have ever had a pleasant drink, and I have, trust me, but this one was like no other in all of Common Ground “.

And so everyone in the tavern got a small sip of the liquid from the pouch and everyone agreed it was a most pleasant drink and that perhaps they should begin to pool their gifts and see about making more of that drink for future times.  And it came to pass that throughout all of Common Ground folks in every village, pooled their gifts and formed plots that grew the plants from the single seeds in the gifts and  it was not too many years that passed that every village was serving up the sweet liquid from goat pouches.  And this liquid was a compliment to the ail that they were so accustomed to drinking and some even gave up ail altogether to enjoy this liquid made from the sweet fruits of these plants.  And when anyone asked as to the name of these sweet fruits the name fell back onto what the man with the big pile of gifts said when he could plainly see the seed from Sir Butts gift matched that of the one from the dried fruit off the plant growing in his pile….Grapes.  (19)


Sir Butt is not one to be distracted from his task for too long a time, but the taste of the liquid from the pouch made his head spin just a bit more than it did from drinking ail and so it did take a bit to get back on the task of figuring out what the mystery mans name is.

They did in fact figure out that the mystery man was trying to get them to grow vineyards of grapes and to make sweet wine from the grapes to compliment the ail and merriment that they had already gotten so accustomed to drinking.  And nobody ever threw the gift away ever again.  They just added it to their growing plots of grape vines and they harvested grapes by the basket load and made sweet wine for everyone to enjoy.  A gift much greater than the gift itself.  Isn’t that what gift giving is all about.

Sir Butt and the rest of the villagers were crowded around the bar looking intently at the small piles of different extractions Sir Butt had made from his gift of whatever it was, when suddenly Sir Butt stood up and said “I KNOW WHAT THIS MANS NAME IS!  Why have I been so close minded, of course it is him!  I have been so very blind.  You folks will not believe it when I tell you”!  “Tell us!  Tell us”!  They all yelled.

Sir Butt sat back on his barstool and said, let me show you how I came up with his name and then you will all understand.  I am looking at my piles of items from my gift.  I have already told you that I have a pile of this and a pile of that and that they all were extracted from the same soil clod that was my gift.  But when you really get down to analyzing the piles, what do you see most?  Sand!  Sand of course.  That is the largest pile before us.  And if we dissected everyone’s gifts they would measure out in the same proportions of materials.  This mans name is  SANDY CLODS!!!!!!


Can you believe it?  Of course you can!

Bears Butt

Oct. 2011

Written on November 29th, 2011 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt


Sitting atop the highest hill in this part of Common Ground, Sir Butt is contemplating his next Point B.  He is looking around the valleys below, always looking for dangers lurking along the paths and roads winding through the land.  The clouds passing overhead are tall and moving rapidly by and his mind shows him shapes in some of them that remind him of different things.  There is a horses head.  And now it is shaped like that of a small dragon with its mouth partially open.  What a beautiful day it is in Common Ground.  A lazy day for Sir Butt and Something.  He is thinking just how perfect it is and how his life is also perfect in every way.  He is free to travel wherever he wishes in Common Ground and has no worries or fears.  Afterall he is the bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and his steed is with him always.  His steed is also the bravest of brave steeds and the fittest of all steeds.  Able to travel quickly when the need arises and can endure endless miles of fast travel.  The steed of all steeds.

“Something”, says Sir Butt aloud.  And Something raises his head from eating at the grass, looking toward Sir Butt sitting there on the rock at the very pinnacle of the highest point around this part of Common Ground.  “We need to be off to another high point in Common Ground.  There are no dangers about in these parts and the travelers are safe in their goings.  Let us go”.  (Of course in this writing, the author is taking full advantage of his writers ability to quote without saying who is doing the talking, mostly because we all know horses can’t talk and so if any talking is being done it must be Sir Butt who is doing it).

Sir Butt approaches  Something, takes hold of the reigns and swings his leg up and over the steeds back.  Firmly seated, he clicks his tongue against the back of his teeth which signals Something to begin his travel down the hill side.  As they move slowly down the side of the mountain Sir Butt begins to think of a song he might sing to give them both company.  Sir Butt is going to make up a song as they go and he begins:  Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs.  He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride.  Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise.

And Sir Butt sings it loud as loud for everyone to hear.  Of course there are no other people around and so it is just he and Something that here this song that he has just made up.  Can he remember the words later?  I doubt it.  And it is probably best he cant.  Does the song sound like a top 10 to you?  Me either, but it is the song that Sir Butt made up and so he sings it loud as loud can be.  Over and over and over and over, because he has nothing else to do.  Poor Something just has to keep plodding along listening to this obnoxious noise coming from his master.  The bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one.  Notice there is nothing being said about the best singer in all the land for that is not a trait Sir Butt was born with.  Are you wondering how the verse goes?  Well, you decide.  You decide the tune, the words that need to be emphasized, and held longer than that of other words in your voice and tone.  I just write the words, you decide how they are sung.

Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs.  He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride.  Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise.


Sir Butt is as happy as a lark in a spring field of clover as he sings his newly thought of song and along the trail they travel, descending toward the valley below.  As they go, the sun is also going and the shadows begin to lengthen and the daylight begins to dim.  It is time for Sir Butt to stop and make camp for the evening.  And he stops.

Tethering Something nearby, Sir Butt decides this night would be a good night for a camp fire.  So he builds a ring of rocks and gathers up some dry kindling and assorted other sizes of wood appropriate for a campfire.  He pulls from his pouch his flint rock and steel, gathers up some tinder and starts the fire.  As the fire is beginning to grow in intensity a voice is heard in the darkness.  “YO, HO IN CAMP!  MAY I ENTER INTO THE LIGHT”?  The voice yells.  Sir Butt replies, “Enter and say who you are”!  Sir Butt is a cautious man, but probably not cautious enough at times.  This time, he has his right hand on the handle of Cache as the stranger approaches into the light of the fire. (1)


“Hello, my good man.  My name is Good Nuff and I very much appreciate being allowed to join you at your fire”.  Said the man.  “You are very welcome to join me, my name is Sir Butt”.  And he extends his hand to greet the man named Good Nuff.  They shake with a hearty hand shake and then Sir Butt invites Good Nuff  to sit.  “And wherest are thou going”? Asked Sir Butt.  “Ah, thank you for asking.  My Point B is over there”.  And with a high rise of his index finger and an extended arm proceeding into a long arc, Good Nuff points and says.  “My goodness”!  Responds Sir Butt.  “And you are going to walk the entire way”? He asked.  “Yes”.  Said Good Nuff  “I am on a journey to prove to all in Common Ground that one does not need to ride everywhere they must go.  We are getting to be a very LARGE body of people living here and we must take action or we will become even LARGER”.  Said Mr. Nuff as he continued.  “I have come from my Point A which is there”.  And with another outstretched arm and index finger he arcs a not so large arch as to his Point B’s direction.  “You have been travelling quite some time, Mr. Nuff”.  Said Sir Butt.  “Might I ask where are your dry goods and sleeping equipment”? Asked Sir Butt.  Good Nuff responded with, “I live off of the land, my good man, Mr Butt”.  Sir Butt interrupted him with “My name is Sir Butt, thank you, not Mr. Butt”!  “Pardon me, Sir Butt, my manners have not been the best of late”.  Said Good Nuff and continued “I have  not had such good luck as I have at this time to meet up with anyone else traveling these parts and the trail pickings have not been the best to keep ones health up.  Living off the land is not a very fun way to live.  It’s usually feast or famine and lately the feast has stayed away”.

“Would you care to join me in some sup”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “I would indeed”.  Said Good Nuff.  And Sir Butt boiled up some spring water and dropped in two pieces of dried lamb and made up a nice brew of lamb broth.  He then pulled two pieces of cake bread from his bag and the two of them feasted.  “This is the best I have had in several days”.  Replied Good Nuff.  “Is it Good Nuff”?  Asked Sir Butt with a smile.  And the two of them laughed.  “Why yes it is Good Nuff”!  Exclaimed Good Nuff.

Later as the two of them talked more about Good Nuffs intentions to travel on foot and without any provisions from his Point A to his far off Point B to prove a person can live off the land and walk where he needs to go and thus stay slim and trim and fit and sore of foot and bent at the back and hungry all the time and ornery and thirsty and belligerent.  But once all of that discussion was had, Sir Butt asked Good Nuff if he would like to hear the song he made up that very day.  Of course Good Nuff obliged Sir Butt at the question.  Sir Butt gave a brief explanation about it being a song he made up about his good and brave steed, Something, and then he began his song.


Of course since this was Sir Butts first human to hear his newly created song, he emphasized several of the words and really belched out the words in a vociferous manner  with exuberance and pride at his abilities to think of such a clever song in the name of his trusty steed.  Sir Butt was all smiles when he finished and thought he had done the song true justice in the delivery.  He expected Good Nuff to clap and resound with a like exuberance when he was finished but he did not get that at all.  In fact it was quite the opposite reaction from Good Nuff.

As Sir Butt finished singing and sat smiling at Mr. Good Nuff, Mr. Good Nuff removed his cupped hands from around his ears and opened his closed eyes slowly.  Good Nuff was sure Sir Butt had finished singing but wanted to make sure before he fully committed to removing his hands from his ears.  It’s one thing to see (with your eyes) Sir Butt singing, but quite another to hear (with your ears) his singing.  “WOW”! Exclaimed Good Nuff.  “That was terrible singing”!  He continued.  “I have not heard sounds such as those ever, even in my most horrid dreams.  Screams such as those only come from the bowels of the dungeons in Never Land far away.  You must stop trying to make those words sound like a song, Sir Butt”.

Of course Sir Butt listened intently as Good Nuff said what he said, but then discounted the words as a continuance of Good Nuff’s lack of human intelligence and nutrition of late.  Sir Butt then proposed they get some rest. (2)


Upon waking in the morning, Sir Butt looked in the direction of Good Nuff’s sleeping spot and only saw the flattened grass where he had slept.  Mr. Good Nuff had gotten up and hit the road.  As he should have done and not burdened the good Sir Butt with any more insults.  As Sir Butt began to brew up some morning brew, he hummed his song to himself.

SomMMmmm Hm Mmm MMmmmm HMmm, Hm MMmm HHMMMmmmm Mm HHmmm  Hm MMmmmMMmm HMmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mmm M Mmmm HmmMm Mmm m Mmm  SomMMmmm Mmm Hm Mmmmm H MMmmmMmmm Hm MmMmm HM Mmm Mmm HMmm H Mmm H SomMMmmm Hmm SHMmmMHmmmmmm!

As he was humming, Something was trying his best to get untethered from the hock hackles that had him captive.  Obviously he was not liking what he was hearing and wanted out of there.

When the brew was drank and all of the provisions put back into the bag and loaded up on Something, Sir Butt mounted up and off they rode.  They had no definite place in mind, they just plodded along and were generally in search of another strategically high point on which to sit and watch again the valleys below for lurking dangers.

Because the trip was not one with a defined mission or Point B, Sir Butt had plenty of time to think and think he did.  His mind was wandering and he came to a realization that he did not have a tune that was his favorite, unless of course it was the one he made up yesterday.  But that one was for his steed and he did not have one for himself.  After all, a man of his character should have a theme song that he could sing as he went about his daily doings.  A catchy tune with plenty of goodly rhymes and such that portray his abilities to slay dragons and be the all knowledgeable man that he is.  One in which when people travelling and hear it,  will relate to Sir Butt.  Well then, it is such that must be done and done post haste and if Sir Butt must make up the song himself, then so be it!  And he went into deep thought as to the words for the song.

“Dragons, oh Dragons beware!  Sir Butt will have your scales”…..No!  That does not rhyme.  “Dragons, Oh Dragons Stay In your Lairs, if your head you wish to spare.  Sir Butt is on the trail and will swiftly offn your tail”.    Well at least it rhymes a little.  He continues to think.  “And will swiftly offn your tail”.  Why on Common Ground would I offn a dragons tail?  That does not make any sense at all!  That would only cause the dragon to get more angry and offn my head with his sharp bite!  Those words will not do.  This will not be an easy undertaking he thought to himself.

As Something plodded along kicking rocks up in the trail Sir Butt thought of another bit of poem that could be added to Somethings little song.

“Somethings feet are clicking up the rocks along the trail.  His tail is swishing back and forth and causing flies to sail.  Something is my friend, the best in all the land.  And if I need it from him, he lends a helping hand.  Something is my bud, between my legs he goes, he warns me of dangers that might otherwise be mistaken for a toad”.

But this is not what Sir Butt wants for a song about his own self.  And the words to Somethings song are plenty just the way they are.  He needs no more than the few words he sang to Good Nuff the night before.  That will be enough for that song.

A brave man song.  A strong man song.  A daring man song.  A dragon is dead song.  A fair maiden in distress song.  A song of a man with knowledge beyond anyone elses in Common Ground.  A song the school lads and lasses will sing with joy in their hearts.  This song must be about all of this and more.  For who else but Sir Butt keeps the paths clear of dangers and evils that lurk about to spoil the travels of villagers as they go from their Points A to their Points B?

Sir Butt contemplates and contemplates and suddenly, as if by magic he starts to speak words as if they could be part of a song.

“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.”

Not too bad, thinks Sir Butt.  Why yes.  Fair Maidens should not be afraid of me.  I am here to help them in their times of need.  Should that need be to swoon them or to protect them from some danger close at hand.  Yes!  This line needs to be in the song.  And he continues to think and suddenly just like before, another line comes bolting forward in his mind and he speaks it out loud.

“The man who knows so Much, makes  your path safe to Touch. “

The all knowledgeable Sir Butt has all the knowledge he needs and then some.  He is after all “the all knowledgeable one”.  And he makes the trails through Common Ground safe for all the travelers to travel on.  And so “touch” might not sound like an appropriate word for this song, it certainly lends itself well and means you can safely touch the path with your feet and travel freely and safely.  HMMM, thinks Sir Butt, I think that line is a keeper as well.  Something is tossing his head around at the noise emanating from Sir Butts mouth as he is  for sure talking aloud to himself.  Not singing, just talking about the line he has just thought up and its relevance to the portrayal Sir Butt thinks should be in a song about him and his character.  Sir Butt becomes aware of Something and his nervousness and  says to him, “Something, everything is alright.  I am just enjoying my own company, that is all.  If you were able to talk perhaps we could enjoy this conversation together.  But since you cannot speak, I will continue to discuss this matter with myself.  And at that Something let out a terrific blast of gas from his backside. (3)


Sir Butt was taken aback by Somethings rudeness and is wondering if perhaps Something can indeed think for himself and much like that of a human.  Sir Butt knows that Something has special characteristics for being a steed and his bloodline is of superior qualities.  In battles against the deadly three headed dragons, Sir Butt does not need to heel Something into charging toward the dragon as it is gathering itself up for a blast of ferocious fire.  Something has a natural talent to know when to charge and either arrive at the dragons neck just as the last of the flame burns out, or just before a blast of fire begins.  A trait Sir Butt did not have to train him to do.  He just does it.  And he does it at the precise moment it needs to be done.  Delivering Sir Butt to the exact spot he needs to be in order to lop off the beasts head or drive Cache deep into the beasts heart.

Well enough thought about Something.  He already has a song and Sir Butt must get back to his thinking about a song for himself.  Now let’s see, we have two lines of this song and they go like this.

“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.  The man who knows so Much, makes  your path safe to Touch.”

I like it, he mutters to himself.  Now let’s see, what would be a good third line to the song.  Brave man, smart man, courageous man…..Then as if magic happens again, the words spill out of his mouth like peas from a shucked pod.

“ Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed.”

Oh Man!  How do I think of such good things as this?  Sir Butt asks himself.  This is a great line!  Dragons take heed, I’ll have your head indeed!  I really like that one.  Absolutely that line must be in my song.  No dragon is ever going to beat me at this game and I am certain to keep the paths and trails in Common Ground safe.  And I WILL offn their heads!  This song thing is rather fun if I do say so myself, which I do.  There has to be more to this song than what I have thought of so far.  Let’s see, fair maidens, dragons, my all knowledgeable self…what else?  Oh my trusty sword.  There has to be a line about Cache.

Cache, Cache, Cache, yielding Cache!  That’s it!  And again the words spill from his mouth like water from the streams great falls.

“The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand”.

What a wonderful line!  That could just end the song right there!  I am amazing myself with my abilities to generate lines like these for my song!  Wonderful, wonderful indeed!  I am tickled almost pink.  This is so much fun.  Here I am a grown man, bravest of the brave, dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one….making up a song about myself and my life of dragon slaying.  But then who else could make up a song about someone such as I?  I think none.  And so it is my responsibility to do so and I have, or perhaps I will.  But only “will” if I think of more lines.  The lines I have seem appropriate for a song and perhaps none more need to be added.  And again into deep thought he goes.

Half asleep, Sir Butt shakes his head with wonderment as if someone smacked him upside the head with a flattened hand.  Another line to the song has struck his being!  How can this be?  But it is not about Sir Butt, it is a line about his steed!  Indeed!  His steed!

“And riding head long into the dragons Fire,  Something welcomes the dragons Ire:”

Now hold on here folks!  Why would a song about Sir Butt and his gallantry and bravery and all of the other “ry” words abounding include the use of his steed?  Could it be that Something is signaling through Sir Butts loins his own thoughts about the song Sir Butt is making up and saying that this song needs to say something about Something?  Another HMMMMM is in order here.  He is a pretty crafty horse as we have come to know, and it seems that Sir Butt’s thoughts and lines for the song have omitted him.  Sir Butt thinks for a moment.  And a moment is enough!  Of course this song of mine should include my trusty steed Something!  For if it were not for Something, I would be fighting these deadly creatures on foot and you know how I despise being on foot.  I am always astraddle my trusty steed in battle!  (A very good sentence that has escaped Sir Butt, he could have probably used it in his song, but he did not notice the rhyme…go ahead…go back and read that last sentence again).  And of course he needs recognition in my song.  I like this line!  But from where did it come?  I know not.  But lets dissect it for one moment:  And riding head long into the dragons fire……Something welcomes the dragons Ire……..

Something will turn on a farthing and ride headlong into the face of the fire breathing dragon on his own accord.  At times causing Sir Butt some tense moments if he is not ready for such a turn.  But he does so, because he knows exactly what the dragon is about to do.  He knows a dragons “burn time” and he also knows a dragons “breath draw” time.  Something is truly a steed of steeds and deserves all the credit due a steed of his caliber.  And so, Sir Butt recognizes the need to have Something mentioned in his song, but only once mind you, because he already has a song about him.  And Sir Butt says to himself, this is a good line as well and it too should be included in my song.

And so it goes, as they plod along on the trail to who knows where they are going.  A rambling to Point B for which neither horse nor rider know that destination.  I suppose this is ok to do, because there appears no dangers in the area and the travelers are going and coming at will.  At least we must assume that is the case as none are meeting up with Sir Butt and Something along this trail.  They have not met anyone since the meeting with Good Nuff the night before.

Sir Butt is still thinking hard about the song and has concluded that Something and the mention of him in his song should be included when again as if magic another line belches from his mouth without any control on his part.

“With victory around the Bend,  Sir Butt wins out in the End”.

OOOOOOOOOO!  Exclaims Sir Butt, this is another good one!  I love it when I win!  I always win and with winning comes the desire to win more and more and more.  I have not met a dragon that did not lay slain at my feet whenst I departed.  Even the closest of close calls I have had, ended with the dragon deceased!  Was I a happy knight?  A happy knight indeed I was!  Around every bend, I win in the end.  I really like that line and it too needs to be included in my song.  This song could be a top 10 for sure.  But then as Sir Butt says that, he realizes there are only maybe 9 other songs that are being sung in Common Ground at this time, and one of them is the one he made up about Something.  HMMMMM.  With that another spew of words beckon from his mouth, without any holding them back.

“The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow”.

Of course Cache has to be mentioned in my song!  And this too is a good line.  Caches Blow!  I like it!  The ever so sharp blade, the blade that never dulls and is harder than any rocks found in Common Ground, except of course those found that were smitten and melted and made into Caches blade from the mines of Metalurgy.  The fiercest of the fierce will know just how sharp Cache is when it is brought down upon them, slicing pieces like nothing else.  Cutting through the thick scales of a dragons ever so thick neck like it was nothing.  Yes this is a good thing to have in my song!  And so it was!  And is.

Sir Butt is very happy that his song is proceeding so well at this point in time.  His thoughts are all within his own being and to ask him if he has seen anything along the trail would be like asking a mole if he has seen any light lately.  Sir Butt can only see the lines of his song being displayed in his own head like a neon light (which, by the way, has not been invented yet, but you get the point).   As Something goes slowly along, Sir Butt is as if he is in a dream land of some sort.  Nothing but nothing is going through his mind except his song.  When will the song end?  At this point it is anyones guess.  Sir Butt could probably write a song that never ended and that would be just fine with him.  But we all know to sing a song that never ended would be a curse to the singer.  This song must have an end, but when?  Is the last line the one that ends it?  Time will tell. (4)


Plodding along the trail Sir Butt and Something round a bend in the trail and up ahead he sees some travelers coming their way.  They have just broken their camp from the night before and are packing their animals for the next leg of their journey to their Point B.  As Sir Butt and Something approach them they stop their busy tasks of packing and come to the trails edge to greet them in common Common Ground fashion.

“YO HO”!  Cries out one of the travelers.  “YO HO”! Cries out Sir Butt as he halts the progress of Something and dismounts.  With greetings of hand shakes and hugs, they proceed with their discussion.  One of the travelers, a man, asks Sir Butt the all important question.  “And whom do we have the pleasure to be meeting this fine day”?  “I am Sir Butt, the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of dragon slayers, the bravest of the brave”.  Answered Sir Butt, “And to whom am I speaking”?  He went on.  “My name is ‘Happin Stance’  and this is my good friend ‘Happy Camper’.  We come from our Point A over there,” (and with a point and a low arc he points to their Point A).  “I see”, says Sir Butt, you have not traveled long from your Point A.  “Yes we have not traveled far, for it was last evening in the tavern of our Point A that we first met.  We were enjoying much merriment and suddenly we woke up here and have been good friends ever since”.  Said Happin Stance.  “Oh, so you two just met, like last night I presume, and you spent the night together.”  Said Sir Butt.  “That is correct sir, Sir Butt”.  Said Happin Stance.  Then Happy Camper chimed in with a very sweet voice like that of a princess, “And I am so very happy we did”.  Said she.  “And where art thou Point B”, asked Sir Butt.  “We were just thinking we probably should venture back to our Point A, as that is where we both live.  And we were just talking about this being our Point B from last evening and now should be our Point A of the day with our Point B being where from we came last evening”  Said Happin Stance.  “I see”. Said Sir Butt “And a good decision it is, as the two of you look as if you could use a good cleaning up and perhaps an ail or two”.  Happy Camper is adjusting her clothing to a straighter demeanor and Happin Stance is shuffling his feet in the dirt of the side of the path.

Happin Stance asks Sir Butt, “I have heard of you Sir Butt.  Aren’t you the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the bravest of the brave in all of Common Ground”?  “Why yes I am”.  Answered Sir Butt, “But that is how I introduced myself just a few moments ago, and is that why you are asking me this question?  Are you questioning my own self with your question?”  “NO, NO”!  Replied Happin Stance, “That is not the case at all.  I have heard of you over many mugs of ail for several years.  You are the one who makes our travels safe in all of Common Ground.  It is you who slay the dragons and rid the land of evil.  It is you who we owe so very much for our safe haven”.  “So right you are my good man”.  Answered Sir Butt.  And then Happy Camper said, “Oh, Sir Butt, it is too bad I did not meet you before I met Happin Stance.  You and I could be standing here side by side”.  “But that is not the case my dear Happy Camper.  I must bid you both a fond ado.  I have bigger dragons to slay than to stay”.  Responded Sir Butt as he mounted up and waved goodbye to his new traveling friends.

Travelling along, Sir Butt thinks about the two he just left and thought how odd that they would ride out of town just a short ways and camp.  Very odd in his mind that two people would do such as that.  Oh well, I guess that is what they had to do at that time.  So much for supporting the local Inn trade.

“Yo!  Sir Butt”!  Came a cry from the side of the road.  Sir Butt pulls hard on the reigns of Something and brings him to an abrupt halt.  As he turns toward the voice on his right, he sees far off the side of the road and into the trees a few yards his good friend Sir Clanks ALot!  He turns Something toward the good man and rides into his small camp.  “Well, well, well”.  Says Sir Butt, “Imagine seeing you in this part of Common Ground my good friend.  What brings you here pray tell”?  “You are looking very well, Sir Butt”.  Says Sir Clanks ALot as he continued.  “Have you heard of the contest to be held in the village of Jouster”?  “Contest?” Questions Sir Butt.  “I have not heard of any contest.  Tell me more my good friend”.  Sir Clanks Alot begins,  “I have been thinking about you for many days journey, Sir Butt, about you being at the contest and was hoping our paths would cross.  Some say that what you think about will expand, and my thinking about you has done that very thing”.  Continuing, he added, “And with you in the contest it will be a hard one for me to even compete and win.  In fact, I don’t think I will have a chance in Common Ground to even make a showing with you in it”.

Sir Butt responds by saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in any contest.  After all he has the safety of the travelers of Common Ground to think about and that to take time out for a contest just might put travelers in peril.  Sir Clanks ALot says that he has perused all of the areas that normally house evil dragons and that none exist.  He even went on to say, “I have a firm belief Sir Butt that the dragons of Common Ground have ALL been slayed by thou and that there are none left in all of Common Ground.  You have made them extinct, Sir Butt and therefore are without a job.  This contest would pay you dearly and perhaps then you could settle down like all other good men in Common Ground”.  “I beg to differ”, began Sir Butt, “Have you heard about the latest slaying of a three headed fire breathing dragon in the Narrows”?  “Why, No I have not”. Responded Sir Clanks ALot.  “I didn’t think you had”, Said Sir Butt, “Usually I hear from the local taverns about your inquiry when the word gets out about my latest slaying.  I had not heard of any inquiry on your part my good friend.  You say you visited all of the local dragon lairs and have seen none, but you only go where it is safest to travel, whilst I, on the other hand, seek out the perilous spaces that only a demon dragon would care to lurk”.  Explained Sir Butt, as he went on, “And to cause all of the dragons in Common Ground to become extinct would be impossible.  They reproduce like none other in all imaginations combined.  The only way they could become extinct would be for the entirety of Common Ground to become obliterated all at once.  Another thing that would never happen in all imaginable imaginings”.  Sir Clanks ALot responded with, “Well, my good friend, so you have not caused your own undoing and still have good work to keep you going for all of the good of Common Ground.  Now let’s talk about this contest some more”.  (5)


“Sir Butt, If I may”.  Began Sir Clanks ALot.  “This contest is one in which you could probably be the best candidate to win.  It is an individual contest, where you do your best at the task at hand and a group of judges will pick the winners and the losers after each event.  A rather simple thing, that extends over a period of several days.  I hear that some of the best in all of Common Ground have already put their shields into the ring and are voiciously challenging all comers.  You NEED to be one of them.  After all you say you are the best of the best, the bravest of the brave!  Show us your stuff Sir Butt.  Enter into this contest”.

“And when is this contest to be held”? Asked Sir Butt.  “One week after the next full moon, my good man”.  Responds Sir Clanks ALot.  “Well, that gives me some time to think about it”.  Says Sir Butt.   “But as for now, I have a dragon lair I must check out before I decide.  It is near Jouster village.  But, Sir Clanks ALot, do not for one instance think that I am accepting the challenge of this contest.  I have more important things to do and that is to keep safe the traveling paths of travelers going from their Points A to their Points B and all Points in between.  That is my number one obligation to the people of Common Ground.  That is why I carry Cache in My Account.  And that is why I ride the most trusty and brave steed in all of Common Ground as well”.  And as Sir Butt finishes this statement, Something paws at the ground and shakes his head up and down as if in agreement.

“Well, Sir Butt, it sounds as if you will at least consider the contest”, said Sir Clanks ALot as he continued, “And I certainly hope to see you there.  It will be my privilege to try and beat you at the events and I am quite certain I can.  Even with your Cache and your Account and your steed”.  “AHH, my good fellow”, began Sir Butt, “I sense a challenge from you.  And even if I do not compete, should I show, I shall offer you an ail bet that you will lose to whomever you are challenging”.  “You are on, my good friend”.  Responded Sir Clanks ALot.  “Well, it is off I go to wherst I must go”.  Said Sir Butt.  And he turned Something around and waved goodby to his good friend Sir Clanks ALot.

Sir Butt makes Something head in the direction of the dragons lair, their next Point B.  As they travel along with nothing else happening Sir Butt again turns his thoughts to the song he was making up about himself.  Now let’s recap what the song says thus far.  Have you any clue as to what the song says to this point?  I thought that by now you would have forgotten that Sir Butt was making up a song.  But I must remind you that should this appear in literature books being taught by teachers in the future, you will have to know not only the words to this song, but how to sing it as well.  So, that being said, you probably should begin to take notes and highlight these important parts. (6)


Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.  The man who knows so Much, makes  your path safe to Touch.  Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed.  The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand.  And riding head long into the dragons Fire,  Something welcomes the dragons Ire.  With victory around the Bend,  Sir Butt wins out in the End.  The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow.

Ahhh, thinks Sir Butt.  This song has a ring to it that just resounds of my very being.  I am so cleaver with my choice of words and rhymes; perhaps I should add “the cleverest of the clever” to my announcement when I greet new people along the byways of Common Ground.  I think I will add it.  After all, I am the bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the keenest of the keen and the cleaverest of the clever, along with the all knowledgeable one.  None can compete with me in any of those factors.

Then his mind quickly goes to the contest that Sir Clanks ALot talked about.  And he thinks to himself, Since I am all of the things that make me Sir Butt, why would I not compete in this contest at Jouster?  I am the hands down winner at all that I do.  This would be an easy task to undertake and I could still have time to make certain the paths about Common Ground are safe for travel.  I could put some coinage into my pockets and buy ail for all of my friends.  Of course, all of my ail is given to me for my services to the persons of Common Ground as it is.  Perhaps my coinage could be used to begin my own village of Buttingham.  I must continue to think about it.

Sir Butt finds himself leaning quite hard against the back of Somethings neck as it dawns on him another line for his song.

“And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold.”

Now where in Common Ground did that line come from?  He asks himself.  I am a bold one.  Actually the boldest of the bold ones.  I like that line very much indeed and so it will be a part of the song!  And so the story told, shows Sir Butt is very bold!  Oh my, am I not cleaver?  Yes, I am the cleaverest of the cleaver ones, did I not say that before?  And then Sir Butt says out load and directs his voice into Somethings ear…”How do you like that line, Something, my trusty steed”?  But Something does nothing more than continue to plod along at his slow gait toward their Point B, the dragons lair. (7)


After several days of plodding along and no new lines coming into Sir Butt’s head about his song.  He has resounded himself to the fact that he now has his song figured out and so he begins the arduous task of putting the rhyming words into some semblance of a musical masterpiece.  He starts perhaps a bit high on the scale as he begins singing the song to himself and then humming other parts.  Then he would start the song over and this time would begin with low notes and raise the octave a bit as he sang the words.  Nothing he did seemed to actually make him swell up inside and believe in the words of the song.  The words were definitely him, it was his song, but a song without melody and only rhyme.

His mind begins to wander to just why he is where he is at this time.  I am here because it is my choice to be here and looking for the dangers that just might render others of their chance to enjoy their lives here in Common Ground.  I am here by my own choice.  I have my Cache, my Account and my Good Steed, Something.  What more is there than to use my assets to make a safe journey for others.  Having  thought this, another line to his song suddenly flashes before his eyes and he blurts out the words.

“From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel”.

“Did I just say those words”?  He asked himself out loud.  From Wherest are these words coming from?  Am I being guided to say such as this from some superior power?  Where ever they are coming from I am liking them.  From his steed he makes safe the paths of gravel!  For sure, I am on my steed Something and am riding down a path of dirt and gravel.  My trusty steed keeps me informed of eminent dangers at all times as we plod slowly along.  I might see what might be a danger coming up, but Something always has the final say as to it being danger or not.  If he shrinks even the tiniest bit, I know there is some danger in whatever it is ahead.  And of course if it is danger I must take care of it as I see fit and make the trail safe for those who are also traveling along this path.  I really think this line needs to be included in my song.

And so it is, and so it goes without saying, Sir Butt is putting together quite the song about himself, if I do say so myself, which I just did.  Sir Butt has quite the song.  But is this last line the last line, or are there more lines to come?  We do not know at this time, or do we?  Sir Butt is a happy guy as he again tries to put music to his rhythmic lines.  His total thought is buried in this process, when suddenly without warning, Something begins to shrink between his legs.

Alert now to eminent danger somewhere near by, Sir Butt draws Cache from His Account and halts the progress of Something.  He is looking left and right for any sign of whatever has Something shrunken so.  The forest around them is deathly silent.  It is mid day and yet it seems rather dark because of the spot they are within the forest area.  The trees are not so high, as the surrounding rock cliffs.  But the cliffs are quite a distance away from the path on either side of them.  Sir Butt, heels Something and they begin a slow walk forward.  He is looking for any movement that would indicate a dragon laying in wait along side the trail.  The last thing Sir Butt wants right now is to become dragon char.  Sir Butt’s worst fear is not to be toasted and become dragon food, but the fact that Cache would not be effected by the dragons fire and it would lay In the trail for someone else to come across and possess.  Would that person be a good person or an evil person.  Cache is ever sharp, ever quick to slice and stab.  In the wrong hands Cache could be used as an evil doers doer.

Suddenly two dragon heads appear from the sides of the trail, one on each side and directly across from each other.  Inches away from Somethings legs one is snapping at Something with a fierce snapping while the other is attacking from higher up toward Sir Butt’s thigh.  Sir Butt swings Cache down toward the dragons head on his right and lops off it’s head with one mightly blow.  The second  one now has his teeth deeply planted into Sir Butts Account and is pulling hard toward the earth.  Across his chest comes Cache and sweeping from just over Somethings left ear, Cache swipes out and down and severs yet another dragons head!  “Lesser Dragons”!  Cries out Sir Butt.  “Where there are two, there are more!  Stand fast Something!   When I signal your move, begin your spin”! (8)


The smell of the eeking fluids from the two slain dragons begins to spread along the side of the trail.  Suddenly all of the brush on either side of the path is moving.  There are dragons coming from both sides toward the stinking smell of the fluids.  Several dragon heads can be seen as they make their way toward the trail.  Sir Butt counts, ”One, two, three, four, five,  eight, twelve.  Wholly Common Ground Something, there are a bunch of them”!  The dragons are inching their way toward the two travelers in the middle of the trail.  Sir Butt calls out “Begin your dance, Something, begin your dance”!  And at that Something begins to pick up each hoof high and prance in a circle, spinning slowly at first and picking up speed with every set down of a hoof.  Sir Butt is seeing every dragon that is coming out of the forest line along side the trail one by one and as they get close enough to almost bite Something , he lowers Cache upon its neck and off goes its head.  Only to have more eeking fluid causing the gravel to become slicker.  Something begins to spin around faster and faster as more dragon heads are coming out of the brush. Cache is being traded at  alarming rates.  First the rate is high and then the rate is low and each time it hits a head, another dragon goes under.  Something begins to spin even faster now and Sir Butt only has to hold Cache down near the ground and with Something’s spinning momentum the heads are being severed as Cache contacts the beasts necks.  Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop, Whop.  And then no more whops for the longest time.  Something begins to slow his spinning and both Sir Butt and Something realize there are no more Lesser Dragons coming out of the forest.  They have defeated them!  And taken all of them out to lunch!

As Something slows his spinning, he also realizes he is in a very precarious spot, the gravel is so very slick from the eeking fluids he is having a very difficult time staying on his hooves and keeping his feet under him.  Suddenly all four hooves come out from under him and down he goes with Sir Butt right there sliding in the oozing eeking fluids of 50 to 100 Lesser Dragons dead bodies.

Soon the two of them are laying there motionless in the eeking fluids.  Sir Butt puts his right foot on Somethings back and because the eeking fluids are so very slick he is able to push Something off his left leg with ease.  Since no more danger of dragons is around them, he puts Cache back into His Account and attends to Something.  Something is looking as if dazed by the whole event that has just happened and is rightfully so…. dizzy.  Soon Sir Butt sees Somethings eyes are beginning to slow their movement in a circle motion and then Something blinks once, then twice and gets himself gathered up and standing.

“Something.”  Says Sir Butt, as he holds his steed by the lower jaws, one hand on each side, “You are quite the steed indeed!  Without your maneuvering in the manner that you did, we both could have been dragon fodder.  Those Lesser Dragons really meant business, and now, with your excellent help, they are gone forever from this part of Common Ground.  We did slay the whole lot.  And this part of the trail will be safe to travelers for a long, long time.  Of course it will be slick through here until the eeking fluids dry from the sun shine and the reeking bodies of all of these dead dragons rot and dry up as well.  At least the travelers will see that we took care of a big issue in these parts!  Come on Something, I will walk by your side until we are out of this eeking fluid mess”.  And out of the mess they waded. (9)


Riding slowly along with the mess of the battle just a little ways behind them, Sir Butt says aloud to Something.  “I must get back with my dragon master instructors and let them know about the Lesser Dragons.  They taught me that where there was one, there were always about 10 more somewhere close by, but never did they tell me I might encounter hundreds at one location.  And besides, they also failed to mention the stinking eeking fluids that would run out of their severed headed bodies.  I am sure that is not a built in defense item on their part.  Something, we must find a water source very soon.  We look and reek of the stench of what we were just sliding in”.  And he turned Something toward a flowing river, with a small water fall.  Both of them submerged themselves into the water for several hours to rid themselves of the awful stench.

Settling in for the night along side the river, Sir Butt is recalling the events with the dragons and how Something had once again made himself invaluable to the defeating of those dragons.  How could he alone have dealt with that many dragons without his trusty steed?  Of course he would not have been able to do it, that is why Something is his trusted steed.  Trusted to know exactly what to do and when to do it.  And once again Sir Butt begins to hum aloud the song he made up for his trusty steed, Something.

“Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs.  He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride.  Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise”.

The next morning after a cup of hot lamb broth and dry bread, they are once again headed for their Point B, the dragons lair.

Along the way, Sir Butt again falls to his thoughts of the day before and the battle with the Lesser Dragons and how Something made an almost impossible defeat, into a victory.  What a horse and of course what a Sir Butt.  Cache played his part well as did His Account in its own way.  At least the dragon had a firm hold on His Account and not his leg or the leg of Something.  So they seem to be working quite well as a total team.  Something, Sir butt, Cache and His Account.  What more could a dragon slayer of dragon slayers want or need?  What more could the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the cleaverest of the cleaver be without?

Again at that moment of thought, another line of Sir Butts song bounces forth and is spewed from Sir Butt’s mouth, without prompt or thought.

“Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”.

That’s It!  It must be the end of the song!  The last line of verse!  Fear not fair maiden as you travel to your Point B.  That is is!  Sir Butt is grinning from ear to ear and his buttocks is tight as well.  He has created what he wanted to create.  A song about himself that tells everyone what his purpose is and that he is a brave guy, a smart guy, a handsome guy (well it doesn’t mention handsome, but who could be ugly and do what he does to help others out?), a guy with a great steed and a sharp sword.  Need we say more?  This is his song!  And now for all of the words that make it up.

“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.  The man who knows so Much, makes  your path safe to Touch.  Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed.  The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand.  And riding head long into the dragons Fire,  Something welcomes the dragons Ire.  With victory around the Bend,  Sir Butt wins out in the End.  The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow.  And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold.  From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel.  Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”. (10)


Sir Butt is so very pleased to know he has completed the words to his song.  Now all that is left is the music and it will be done and he can sing it to his heart content.  And as time goes by, others will learn the words and they too will sing it long and loud, and soon it will be echoing across all of Common Ground like background music to everyones everyday life.  Everyone in Common Ground will be listening and enjoying the music day in and day out.  What a wonderful and pleasant thought.

On a side note:  Have you ever had one of those songs run through your head and you just can’t seem to shake it?  Of course you have.  Can you imagine this song about Sir Butt and all of his good deeds and slaying of evil playing over and over in your head and out of your head day in and day out?  Everyone humming and singing it everywhere you go?  Would this work in todays world?  Would it work in Sir Butt’s world?  Would the birds too pick up on the tune and chirp it when they awaken in the morning?  Would it transform an otherwise perfect balance of man and nature into an insane humming singing monstrosity of a world?  Well, probably not,  mostly because people do have choices and most would not chose to learn this song, nor have it taught to their children.

Sir Butt and Something are getting quite near their Point B.  The last time Sir Butt was at this point there was a very fierce battle between two three headed dragons that he witnessed ensue and the victor of that battle charcoaled the other and munched it with great zeal.  Sir butt wanted to see what would become of the losing dragon and he let the whole scene play out before he engaged the victor and slayed it.  At the time, Sir Butt thought that having the ability to create a great amount of fire and heat might be a very useful tool to have to mop up the conditions after he had slayed a dragon.  Afterall, burning the slayed dragon into a pile of carbon would eliminate the odoriferous mess that takes months and years to get rid of.

This time, as they approach the edge of the dragons lair, Something just plods along like he had been doing since the encounter with the Lesser Dragons a few days ride back.  There were no dangers in the dragons lair.  Sir Butt is happy AND sad about this situation.  The next place there might be any form of danger would be completely across to the other side of Common Ground.  He also knows that there are little dragons growing up in between, but they do not become a danger to travelers until the mother of the dragon den kicks the little ones out, which makes them all mad and such and makes them seek out a means to get even.  If the mothers would just continue to nurture the little beasts none of this trouble would be around.  But NO!  Gotta kick them little SOD’s out!  (Sons of Dragons).

Now you might ask, are there any girl dragons?  Yes!  Otherwise there would be no mother dragons.  Are girl dragons a problem?  Yes!  And what might a girl dragon problem be?  They mate with the obnoxious boy dragons that are out causing problems along the trails at night (and in the day), and have baby dragons. (11)


With Sir Butt being so very close to the village of Jouster, he decides he has made safe the trail leading between Points A and Points B, he might as well take a break from the norm and go at least see the contest unfold.  And so it is, he departs from his Point A, the dragons lair, and makes his new Point B, the village of Jouster.

Jouster is just a small village, but the ones living there have big hearts.  They love it when visitors come around and they show off their talents in many ways.  It never rains in Jouster, the weather is perfect in every way.  And with that, the villagers can plan parties and always know there will never be an issue with weather spoiling their plans.  Couple the weather with their desires to entertain and what do you have, ONE CONTINUOUS PARTY!  This time, the party that is ending will culminate into an opening celebration of the next party which is coming up.  A rather normal, to them, tradition.  People travel from the very far reaches of Common Ground to attend functions at Jouster and this event is no different.  Thousands of folks will be here for this event and the villagers are ready for all.  Every one in the village is involved in this contest.  It will be a wonderful event and one that will be talked about until at least the next party begins.

Sir Butt travels the short distance to Jouster in just a day or two and arrives just in time to have an ail in the tavern.  What time is just in time to have an ail?  Whenever you arrive in any village in Common Ground is the right time for an ail in the local tavern.  And this is no different.  Sir Butt tethers Something outside, side steps the droppings of other steeds and enters the tavern.

As his eyes are adjusting to the darkened conditions of the tavern he hears a familiar voice calling his name from within.  “Sir Butt, Sir Butt, Please joins us for a mug of ail”!  And as he is able to see into the darkness, who does he see calling his name?  None other than Happy Camper!  “Hello Happy Camper”.  Says Sir Butt.  “Hello Sir Butt, you handsome man you”.  Says Happy Camper.  “Please let me get you an ail”, she goes on, “And then let’s hear your latest adventure”.  As she get up to get a mug of ail, over to the table comes her friend  Happin Stance.  “Well, good day to you Sir Butt”.  Says Happin Stance.  “What brings you to this fair village”?  He asked.  “I came to watch the contest”. Answered Sir Butt.  “Watch indeed!  You mean “enter “ the contest do you not”? Spoke Happin Stance.  “I have not decided”. Responded Sir Butt, “But I did decide to watch it.”  He added.

“Here is your ail, all chilled just like they do it in  Metalurgy, Sir Butt”.  Said Happy Camper as she set the mug on the table in front of Sir Butt.  “Thank you”!  Sir Butt responded.  And Sir Butt proposed a toast to the three of them meeting once again.  As they each set their mug on the table, Sir Butt asked, “What are the two of you doing here in Jouster”?  Happin Stance said, “We are here to enter into the contest.  We have every belief that we will win and will reap the rewards of the coinage and it will help in starting our new life together”.  “Oh, I see”.  Said Sir Butt, “And I wish you both the best.  Not only with this contest , but with the rest of your lives together”.  “Thank you my good man”!  Responded Happin Stance.  Happy Camper just blushed.

They all finished their mugs of ail, without much more discussion and then Sir Butt ordered the three of them another cold mug.  “I wonder” started Sir Butt, “How did the word get clear over here to Jouster about the chilled ail in the tavern at Metalurgy”?  Happy Camper piped in with, “They heard about it because this is the partying place in all of Common Ground and with partying, comes the drinking of ail and much merriment.  Chilled ail is the thing that all the village taverns are turning to these days.  You will find it in nearly all the taverns in Common Ground these days.  Sir Butt, you really need to get off the trail more often and into the villages”.  “It sounds like that is something I should do more often”.  Responded Sir Butt.

Sir Butt had wondered a little about Happy Camper and her past and he just had to ask her about it.  We all know that the mother of a child names her female children, while the father names the male children.  So Sir Butt does ask her about her past and how she got her name.  She responded by saying.  “Well, thank you for asking Sir Butt.  My mothers name was also Happy, and she wanted my name to be Happy as well.  And so that is why my first name is Happy.  My grandfather on mothers side was a Hooker, and he worked very hard in the mines owned by Sir Clanks ALot.  When mother got to be of age, she met a man she fell deeply in love with and the whole town loved the fact that the two of them were going to get married.  His name was John ConMan.  Mother just called him “My John”.  Mother so did love that man, but they never had any children and he passed away while building a prison for undesirables in Common Ground.  At least that is what I was told.  Later on my mother met another man and they married and had me, their only child.  My fathers name is Alright Camper”.  And then Sir Butt interrupted her.  “Ok, let me get this straight.  Your grandfather was a Hooker, so your mother is named Happy Hooker.  She married “Her John”, the ConMan, who died in prison and then she married your father Alright Camper and that is how you came about the name of Happy Camper.  Is that correct?”  “Yes”.  She responded proudly.  “And then,” again went Sir Butt, “You are going to marry this man and you will then be Happy Stance”.  “Right again, Sir Butt”.  She said.  (12)


As the three of them sat sipping cold ail in their mugs, the conversation turned to the contest that would begin in a day or two.  The current celebration had to end first and then theirs could begin.  In the meantime, there were those visitors who were there in the village for the current party and others filtering in for the next party.  The village was hopping  to say the least and it seemed like most everyone knew someone who was there for the contest.  Young and old alike were calling out their abilities to win the contest and it was getting to be quite confusing to Sir Butt.

From what Sir Clanks ALot had told him he thought this whole contest thing was about showing your abilities to swing a sword, throw an ax, ride a steed at fast paces and in general show off your manly abilities at slaying dragons and defending yourself from harms way.  But what he was hearing was young and old folks from all walks of life bragging about what they could and could not do to win this contest.  The prize was a heap of coins, enough to start a family off on the right foot, as in the case of Happin and Happy, or to build a dream such as a new village.  Sir Butt just had to ask.

“Tell me Happin, what is this contest all about anyway”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “We thought you knew, Sir Butt”, he responded, “Well it’s a talent contest and a fun one at that.  First off every contestant is given a time to perform their worst talent.  Then the judges will evaluate all of the events and rank them the best of the worst, to the worst of the worst.  The best of the worst is really the worst of the worst, because the talent will be totally lacking in all respects.  While the Worst of the worst is really the Best of the Worst, because there will be some talent showing during the performance, which is something no one wants to see.  When that contest is completed, there will be an all talent contest in which the entrants must prove they made up a song about anything they wish to sing about, and then they perform singing it.  The judges will be judging on originality, clarity, and performance style as well as how well the song is sang.  It’s all rather simple.  And it is meant to be all for fun.  The winner will have to win one of three places in both of the events in order to win any of the coinage given as prizes.  Even the third place winner wins a huge amount of coinage.  Enough to start a family I might add”.

“Wow, I’m not sure I have talents like these of which you speak”.  Said Sir Butt.  “Of course you do”!  Came a voice over Sir Butt’s left shoulder.  “Remember me?  I listened to you attempting to sing the most horrid song in all of creation and you performed it perfectly.  Perfectly in fact that that is the reason I have chosen to be here to listen to you perform such a horrid act again.  I knew you would be here for this contest”.  And with that Sir Butt turned and there standing beside him was, you guessed it, Mr. Good Nuff.  (13)


“Mr. Good Nuff”, said Sir Butt, “I never thought I would ever see you again.  You left my camp the morning after I treated you to a fine supper and ventured on your way without waking me.  Your journey was a long one, did you complete it”?  He asked.  “No, I did not, good Sir”.  Said Good Nuff, “My colleagues in the quest to live off the land and prove what we wanted to prove all fell from the wagon and decided to become something else.  I was a man like an island trying to prove something that nobody else wanted to hear about and so I too gave it up for the good times being had by all.  And that is why I am here.  To drink ail and merriment and become one with all of my good brothers and sisters in Common Ground”.  “Well, Well”, said Sir Butt, “And with my friends acceptance, this is Mr. Good Nuff, and these fine folks are Happin Stance and Happy Camper.  Please join us for a cold mug of ail”.  And with greetings behind them, Mr. Good Nuff, joined them at their table and they partied until the wee hours of the morning.

Sir Butt awakened next to Something the next morning, and I might say he was a bit “under the weather”, but because the weather is never an issue in Jouster, one might surmise that Sir Butt had a bit too much party inside him.  His first thought was a nice cold ail.  And so after attending to Somethings needs, he wandered back to the tavern and ordered a cold ail.  And then he had a pickled egg, a large dill pickle, a leg of a turkey, another pickled egg and another mug of cold ail.  He was beginning to feel like himself again.

About that time, in came a person who had a very loud voice and announced to all in the tavern that the deadline to enter the contest was nearing and if there were any others wishing to enter they had to do it before the moon rose that evening.  Sir Butt is still pondering the thought of entering the contest.  He thinks to himself, Mr. Good Nuff thinks I have the right voice to enter and win the Best of the Worst contest, but in order to win the entire contest I would have to enter my own song into the contest and I have not thought of the music to put the words to.  Besides, what if I can not sing my song and it comes out like another of the Best of the Worst?

Sir Butt is beside himself again.  He gets this way when he is in a very uncertain state of mind.  The Sir Butt next to him says to go ahead and enter.  He is sure to win the entire contest.  The Sir Butt within says to forget it and just listen and watch the others as they proceed through the contest.  Play with them, or watch them?  Play or Watch?  Play or Watch?  Play or Watch?  Which shall it be?  Sir Butt is beginning to talk to himself aloud and the man behind the bar, interrupts with…”Sir Butt, would you care for another ail?  It seems you are talking to yourself in a very peculiar way and it is upsetting some of the others in this tavern”.  “Oh!”  Says Sir Butt, “Why yes, I’ll have another ail.  Thank you my good man”.

Sir Butt is sipping his third ail by this time and his head is beginning to spin some, and then he decides of course he can win this contest.  He can do anything he puts his mind to doing!  He is after all the best of the best, the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the cleverest of the clever ones.  And he has the steed of steeds.  Did I fail to mention he is the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers?  He asks the man behind the bar where the contest sign up place was and was directed to the stage area just outside the village meeting hall.

As Sir Butt approaches the stage area he is greeted by Mr. Good Nuff, who has been waiting patiently for Sir Butt to arrive.  “I knew you would be along shortly, Sir Butt”.  Said Good Nuff.  “I am here to cheer you on my good man, even though you will not need the support, your voice will make the others in the contest quiver and shake and cause them to vomit their words out and disgust the judges into disqualifying them on the spot”.  Sir Butt responds with, “Your words of encouragement should not be so profound Mr. Good Nuff, I might show you what I just had for breakfast myself, right here, right now”!  “Oh, I am sorry, Sir Butt”, said Good Nuff, “I did not know you had just eaten”.

Sir Butt approaches the panel and signs his name to the list of contestants.  He is issued a number, which is the place at which he is to stand on the stage and sing his Best of the Worst entry.   He is then given a set of the instructions rolled in a scroll and told not to be late to any of the events or he will be automatically disqualified.  He thanks them in a most gentlemanly way and steps aside for the next contestant to step up.

Back beside Mr. Good Nuff, Sir Butt invites him to the tavern in the center of the village for a cold mug of ail, which is kindly accepted, the two wander in that direction. (14)


In the tavern and over a mug of ail, Sir Butt opens up his packet of information and in it reveals his place at the stage for the Best of the Worst singing contest.  “OH MY GOHD”!  Cries out Sir Butt, “This can not be”!  and he turns the card around with the number ONE on it and shows it to Mr. Good Nuff!  “I am the first one to present my Best of the Worst entry in the contest!  This calls for another ail”!  Mr. Good Nuff is grinning from ear to ear, and says, “Sir Butt, you will win this contest hands down!  The other contestants will be vying for positions 2 and 3 behind your Best of the Worst entry.  I assure you your voice will cause them to vomit meals they ate two days ago, and hold their ears from the pain.  And they will be passing out with utter disgust and agony at your presentation and I predict the judges themselves will be rolling big balls of disgusting fluids from their own mouths and be unable to dissertain any of the words you are going to so horribly be trying to sing.  I too, will most likely be puking my guts forth and have to restuff them back into their origin at the sounds you will belch forth….”.  As Mr. Good Nuff is telling Sir Butt all of this, Sir Butt is staring right into Good Nuffs face from about a foot away, unsure what is about to happen and as Good Nuff is espousing his restuffing his own guts back into his own body, Sir Butt Ralphs up a huge ball of green and yellow and foam and white chunks and brown chunks and more foam, right down the front of Mr. Good Nuff.  Quite a disgusting site I might add. ( I’ll be right back).

Hours pass and Sir Butt awakens in the stall where Something is standing.  Sir Butt is wondering just how he got there and then decided that perhaps when he hurled his breakfast up, that he was ushered out of the tavern to sleep off his still groggy self.  At least that is what his mind tells him has happened.  But it wasn’t his fault, it was Mr. Good Nuff, offering all of the suggestive gestures of the others listening to his singing in the contest and that upset Sir Butt beyond his already being upset that he is the first one to be on the stage for the Best of the Worst contest portion.  “Not my fault”!  Cries out Sir Butt.

Something is looking down at Sir Butt as if he was saying, You Sir Butt are a most disgusting person at this moment.  You cared enough to get me food and water earlier, but you have not combed my being, nor even cared that I have been out for a walk and relieved myself of my every day conditions.  Sir Butt, could read Somethings mind and pulled himself up and lead Something out of town and into the forest for a walk.  (15)


Sir Butt is walking along with Something in the forest while trying to regain his composure and figure out just what is about to happen the next day when the contest begins.  He keeps repeating “I’m number one.  I’m number one.  I’m number one”.  And then he stops and places his right index finger into the air about the height of his right ear and says aloud, “I AM NUMBER ONE!  Do you hear me Something?  I am number one!  I have always been number one in my book, why should this be any different?  I am number one!  I am the best of the best, the bravest of the brave, the cleaverest of the cleaver, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers , the all knowledgeable one, I am number one”!

And so Sir Butt and his nerves are calmed once again.  He was frazzled beyond frazzled when he first saw his position in the contest.  Even more frazzled than lopping off the heads of over a hundred Lesser Dragon in one battle.  That sort of thing he is used to, but not in a singing contest.  He has never been in a singing contest ever before and now will be the first for him and he is Number One!  Can he handle the pressure?  Of course he can!  Do you doubt Sir Butt’s abilities at such a contest as this?  He has never entered a contest such as this before and he has mentally accepted the challenge, just as he would have accepted a jousting contest against the biggest of the big jousters in all of Common Ground.  His ego has risen beyond belief as he once again say out loud…”I AM NUMBER ONE”!

And so, after Something has relieved himself and is back in good graces with Sir Butt in every regard, they return to the stable, where Sir Butt over feeds Something, over waters him and combs his back, neck, tail and legs until they are nearly bleeding.  And then Sir Butt announces to Something that he has got to return to the tavern for another ail and to apologize for his earlier actions. (16)


Upon entering the tavern the man behind the bar comes around to meet Sir Butt at the entry.  Holding one hand up he announces that if he hurles one more time in that tavern that it would be his last and he would be forced to have Sir Butt removed not only from the tavern, but also from the village.  Hurling is not allowed in this town and anyone caught hurling twice is automatically ousted from the village.  Hurling is considered to be an act only by those who cannot hold themselves in high enough esteem to know when they have had enough of a “good time”, to stop and render themselves back to a more reality state of mind.  The village is filled with all types of people during these festive times and they do not have any tolerance for those who cannot conduct themselves as do the villagers who live in the village and open it up to the entertainment of their guests and they expect their guests to behave much as themselves and are intolerant to the ignorance of not following the rules of the village etc., etc., etc.  (I would say at this time, Sir Butt realizes he has been warned not to hurl again).

“My good friend tavern keeper”, began Sir Butt, “Please accept my deepest apology for my hurling actions earlier in this day.  It is not my character to do such as that and I could explain what the circumstances were that caused me to do such as that, but you would not care to know I am certain.  Therefore, please accept my apology and I promise not to hurl again within the confines of this establishment nor within the boundaries of this village”.  “Apology accepted”.  Said the tavern keeper.  “Now would you like a nice cold mug of ail Sir Butt”?  He asked.  “Why, Thank you, I would”. Responded Sir Butt.

Sir Butt is given a cold mug of ail and the Tavern keeper and he begin to talk.  Sir Butt says to him, “Thank you for informing me of the rules of this village.  I had no idea that my actions would be so harmful to myself and to the citizens who live here.  I am a better man for this”.  “Your actions are like those of thousands who visit our village from time to time.  Think nothing of it.  I rather expect that this contest we are about to partake of, will have more than one person hurling in the streets.  It always has that effect on people for some reason.  I suspect it is the nerves in their stomachs and the tightness that comes from having to stand before hundreds of people and sing out in such an obnoxious manner that causes the muscles to contract and expand and contract and expand and brings up materials that are very deep in a persons bowels, perhaps even as far down and back as two or three days agos meals.  Meals that should have been extradated by this time, but are being held by the ever so contricted lower bowels and because of the highly acidic nature of the decaying meals liquidating themselves back toward from whenst they have come that causes the person to hurl so very hard and so very much and the stentch that preceeds the hurling wafts from the backside of the persons nostrels and forward……Where are you going Sir Butt?  I was just getting to the good part!!!  Come back!!!

And Sir Butt saved himself from being asked to leave the village, as he ran the fastest mile race he ever ran, to clear himself from the boundaries of the village in time for the hurling to begin and he did not come back until he was sure his meals from three days prior were not with him any more. (17)


At the sound of the rooster crowing the next morning, Sir Butt found himself again inside the tavern sipping on a cold ail.  Preparing himself for the ordeal that he had signed up for, the Best of the Worst singing contest.  As he is standing at the bar, in walks Mr. Good Nuff, Mr. Happin Stance and of course Happy Camper.  They all slide up along side of Sir Butt and each in turn orders up a cold mug of ail.

“So, Sir Butt, I hear you entered the contest”.  Said Happin Stance.  “Yes I did and I am number one”.  Replied Sir Butt, and then he continued with the question, “You did know I am number one, do you not”?  “Absolutely, number one, Sir Butt”.  Said Happy Camper.  “We are here to support you in this contest and have ourselves opted out of the contest to not be competition to you”.  She went on to say.  “But what about your future with Happin Stance and all of your plans”?  Asked Sir Butt.  “We decided if we failed to win this contest then each of us would blame the other for the loss and we would not be able to live together after that.  And so, we have chosen to go our separate ways”.  She exclaimed.  “Oh, that is not the way to be”.  Replied Sir Butt.  “But it must be this way”!  Said Happin Stance in an excited way.  “She would blame my being so in tune that we would be dead last in this first contest and not have any chance at the next level.  And then if we did happen to make it to the next level, she would be so out of tune in that portion that I would blame her and we would fight the rest of our lives over and over and over again about this failure in our lives before our lives together had even begun.  And so this must be the best decision we have made.”  He concluded.  “Well, that it is then”.  Said Sir Butt “I shall not meddle in your business”.

“Mr. Good Nuff”, said Sir Butt, “I have not seen you since the day before yest, wherest were thou”?  He asked.  “Cleaning myself up from the awfulness of yourself, Sir Butt”.  He responded.  Sir Butt came back with ,“It was your own fault for your explanation of what people were going to do once this contest begins and you were so very vivid with your explanation that my mind took over and made me do it.  It was not my fault, it was your own and you must take full responsibility for it”.  “I can get rather focused on matters and do not realize the repercussions of what I am saying at times.  Please accept my apology Sir Butt, It was my own fault”.  Said Good Nuff.  “Accepted”. Replied Sir Butt.

And now it was time to ready himself for the contest.  Down to the stage the four of them went.  The crowd was gathered in typical contest form.  Hundreds of folks all drinking ail and whooping up a good time  (Sort of like a modern day rendezvous).  There were chants of “so and so being the best”, and so and so other was the best etc. and etc.  Of course Sir Butt was of the mind set that he was and is the best and he would out wail even the best of the worst in this contest because he IS the better of the best in this contest and he was about to prove it.

The judges all assembled at the stage and quieted the crowd to a mild roar.  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  The contest for the Best of the Worst is about to begin and we need to hear what is being attempted to be sang by each of these contestants.  One of the rules of this village must be emphasized at this point.  It has come to our attention that there are some among us who did not realize that hurling within the boundaries of this village was against the rules of the village.  Let it be known that that is a rule here and it still stands.  Any person who hurles twice while within the boundaries of this village shall be escorted out of the village.  Should the hurler be a contestant they will be instantly disqualified and be asked to leave the village immediately.  We also have been informed that one contestant, Mr. Sir Butt, has already hurled once in this village and is only allowed one more offence. Do you understand Sir Butt?  Sir Butt, are you here”?

Sir Butt steps forward and announces himself.  “I am Sir Butt.  I do admit I did not know the rules of this fair village and I honor the rules of said same.  I did in fact hurl the other day and I have apologized to those needing to be apologized to and been apologized by those others who needed to apologize to myself.  That being said.  Let the contest begin”!

The judge then went on:  “Each contestant will swear before the judges that the song he  or she is about to sing is one in which they themselves have thought the words and the melody up for.  Second, each will sing the best way that can, that melody and make the song sound the worst of all the worst they can.  This contest is judged for the Best of the Worst singing of a song.  The panel of judges will decide who wins, who takes a second place and who will take the third place.  All others are welcome to stick around and watch the rest of the contest and drink ail on the village at the tavern, or to leave, it is their digression.  As for the judges, we feel you have paid your dues and you might as well enjoy the village and the free ail.  After all it is just a contest.  Once this contest is completed, we will have a rest until the next morning, at which time we will again bring the three winners of the Best of the Worst contest and they will produce and swear on the bible of Common Ground that they alone wrote the song they are about to sing, and then they will sing that song to the very best of their abilities.  What that portion of the contest is all about is singing the very best of the very best they can.  Again we judges will decide who wins first, second and third places.  If a person wins first today and third tomorrow, they will average a second place.  If a person wins third today and first tomorrow they too will average second place.  If a person wins second today and first tomorrow they will average second with a bit of a plus on it.  If a person wins second today and second tomorrow, they will average second place.  Is this all perfectly clear contestants?”

Out of the crowd comes a voice, “What if I win First today and third tomorrow, what is my average”?  The judge comes back with, “A first today and a third tomorrow, averages second with a bit of a minus on it.  Are there any more questions”?  The crowd is silent as they are all trying to figure out the scoring system, but the judge interrupts the silence with , “OK!  Since there are no more questions let the contest begin”!  And the crowd roars to life.  Betting is beginning to be made in a very mad house fashion.  Who is keeping track of the bets is anyone quess and it is my guess the man taking the money and saying to the betters and the bettees “yes!, yes!, Yes!”  and will pocket the money no matter how the outcome of the contest goes and will enjoy the next few months sucking down free cold mugs of ail. (18)


A judge stands on the stage while the others take their seats and calls out.  “Our first contestant is Sir Butt!  Sir Butt is number one”!  And the crowd cheers out “SIR BUTT!!  SIR BUTT!!  SIR BUTT!!!!  And Sir Butt approaches center stage.  “Sir Butt”, the judge begins, “What is the name of your song”?  Sir Butt responds   “SOMETHING”, and then continues, “I wrote this song in honor of my trusty steed who has the name of “Something””.  The judge then interrupted, “And do you swear upon the bible of Common Ground that you and you alone did write this song”?  “Yes, I am the one who thought up the words and put the words to the tune I am about to sing”!  Answered Sir Butt.  “And what are the words to this song you are about to sing”?  Asked the judge.  Sir Butt responded by saying these words:

“Something is my trusty steed, he rides between my thighs.  He slowly swings from side to side and is happy for a ride.  Something may get smaller as dangers do arise, but pull his reigns a little and Something will surprise”.

“AH HA”!  Said the judge, “I have not heard these words before and so be it that this is an original song made up by Sir Butt and he is about to sing this song with all his heart and soul, the best of the worst way he can sing it.  Belch it out at us Sir Butt, the stage is all yours”!

Sir Butt is quite nervous but deep down in his soul he knows he can sing this song the best of the worst of all the other contestants.  He also knows that if he puts the right emphasis on some of the phrases that he can cause some of the contestants and maybe even a judge to hurl a time or two and get escorted out of the village.  Sir Butt is a devious little devil some times.  But then, we should expect this sort of thinking from him from time to time, after all he is the bravest of the brave, the all knowledgeable one, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and the cleaverest of all the clever ones .

Sir Butt gathers up all of the nerves of a truly gallant warrior.  All of the confidence of a truly talented singer.  All of the ”all of” of  his very being and took a deep breath.  The crowd suddenly went totally silent as if an omnipotent being is standing before them.  They have stopped sipping on their mugs of ail and are standing there in total awww.  Awaiting the arrival of the first baddest note of the song to arrive at their ears.  Sir Butt begins:

“SOMETHINGGGG…”  And the crowd cringes by tucking their chins into their necks and wincing their eyes.  What a beautiful note for Sir Butt to begin this song with, every one in the crowd is hating this note.  It is perfect.  And he continues:


Oh my goodness!  The crowd is beginning to think this song is never going to end.  Sir Butt is certainly belching this one out as if he wants to win hands down.  And the crowd is hateing and loving it at the same time.  Some of the ladies are beginning to cry.  Sir Butt himself is noticing a slight movement of the crowd away from the stage area.  This is a wonderful moment for Sir Butt as he goes on:


Sir Butt is now noticing one of the judges squinched deep into his wooden bench seat and is trying his best not to show the pain he is enduring.  The crowd has moved several steps back away from the stage and he even sees one of the far back on lookers hurling.  He thinks to himself, I hope that is one of the contestants.  The steeds and other animals that were tethered way back behind the crowd have all broken loose and are nowhere to be seen.  Sir Butt thinks this just might be the most glorious day of his life and he is really getting into the song at this point.  After all he is nearly half way through the song.  Can he hang in there just a bit longer and really bring this crowd to their knees?


As Sir Butt finishes the last note he bows to the crowd which has now moved more than half way back away from the stage to the tavern area, there are 10’s of people in the crowd hurling and several being escorted by village people out of the boundaries of the village.  Even village people are seen hurling as they escort others away.  What a tribute of all tributes this is for Sir Butt.  He never thought he would ever be in a singing contest and now he has completed his first ever event.  Sir Butt has done it!  He finished the song and the crowd is so very pleased.  They have removed their hands from their ears, they are starting to stand erect again.  The grimaces on their faces are now turning to smiles to think the torture is over.  They are sipping on their mugs of ail and beginning to yell out shouts of praise and glory for a job well done!  Sir Butt is smiling and bowing all the time.  And then he notices one of the judges is on the ground with a large amount of hurl around his head.  He has hurled so long and hard he has passed out.  Surely a sign of his placing a win or at least a third place in this contest!  Sir Butt is pleased as punch with his performance.

And he should be!  Afterall, like they say, the first one on stage sets the mark for all of the others.  Can the others even come close.  Sir Butt has really shown his showmanship in a very glorious way!  Sir Butt!  He is our man!  Almost brings a tear to my eye as I write this.  Such a brave man he is and talented too. (19)


Sir Butt did in fact receive a standing ovation from the crowd, even the judges were standing.  But then, nobody had seats except the judges and they had to stand in order for the villagers to remove the passed out judge laying there among the chairs.  But everyone was cheering and clapping like never before.  It was a site to see for sure and nobody in the village could ever remember such an act as they had just witnessed.

And so, with one less judge on the panel the remaining contestants had their turns at the stage.  Sir Butt was allowed to leave or stay, his choice,  and he chose to hit the local tavern for an ail.  His voice was parched something fierce and he needed to wet it down.  A cold mug of ail was just the ticket!  The people within the tavern were really celebrating when Sir Butt arrived for his mug of ail.  They all recognized him as the one who was giving it his all up on the stage and they welcomed him with mug after mug of cold ail.  They were all hollering and calling Sir Butt the Very Best of the Worst singer they had ever heard.  Most of them had been to this event many, many times and they were calling Sir Butt “THE LA BEST” at singing “THE WORST”!  This made Sir Butt very proud, but he would not count his chickens (so to speak) until the judges had made their decision on his abilities.

About dark, word came to the tavern for Sir Butt to go back to the stage.  The judges were about to announce the top three singers and they wanted all singers present or they would forfeit any chance at getting into the contest.  We have all heard the statement, “Must be present to win”; well this was the first time that phrase had been used, ever.  Sir Butt had had very many mugs of ail by this time and the celebration was still going on as he made his way to the stage area.

The judges were on the stage and called out for the three finalists to come to the stage.  They announced that these three finalists were not being called up according to their ranking, 1 through 3, but rather by their first and last names in alphabetical order.  The ranking would be announced when the three of them were up on the stage.  But they also announced to the crowd that as they called out the names of the individuals to come to the stage, the crowd could cheer them on as raucously as they wished.

With the judges (what there were left of them) on the stage, they began calling out the three finalists for the Best of the Worst contest.  These three will compete in tomorrow’s Best of the Best singing contest and each will take home a portion of the coinage, the amount depending on how well, or poorly they performed this day, and tomorrow.  Averages do count in this contest as we have been clearly told earlier.

The first winner was announced in this fashion:  “Hear Ye!  Here Ye!  Hailing from the school of  Acting and Singing.  We have a repeat performer and winner from last years contest,Mr.  AlMost A. Belcher!  Would Mr. AlMost A. Belcher please come to the stage please!”  Sir Butt hears that this contestant was a winner in last years contest and has been schooled in the arts of theater and singing.  How in the world can Sir Butt compete against trained individuals such as this Mr. Belcher?  As Mr. Belcher gingerly danced his way up the stairs and onto the stage, he had a moderate crowd of followers giving him hoots and yells of support, but for the most part, the crowd just was not in the mood for celebration when his name was announced.  In fact, there was a lot of whispering in the crowd and mumblings about the judges being paid off or something such as that.  Did Mr. Belcher pay off the judges in order to be one of the selected winners?  We will never know.  But one thing is certain, he is up on the stage as one of the winners in todays competition. (20)


As the crowd settled down and things approached a near quiet courtyard, the judge announced the next winner of the days event.  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  Hailing from the woods, the mountains and the valleys of Common Ground,  trained only by his own being, Sir Butt!  Would Sir Butt please come up onto the stage”?

At this announcement the crowd erupted into the most boisterous display of support that could have been awarded to anyone for anything in all of Common Ground!  They were jumping up and down with shear joy and dancing jigs around their own standing places.  They even began swinging each other around as they danced for joy.  It was a stampede of stampedes with nobody going anywhere except up and down and round and round.  Hooping and Yelling and just a happy-as-can-be deal to say the least.

Sir Butt graciously took his place along side Mr. Belcher.  He even offered a hand shake, which Mr. Belcher declined to accept.  At the decline, Sir Butt leaned toward him and whispered, “What are you my friend, a poor loser”?  And Mr. Belcher shuffled his feet a few inches away from Sir Butt.  The crowd meanwhile still was raising such a ruckus, the judge had to begin to settle them down, so they could announce the last of the winners of the days events.  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  Please folks!  Please folks!  We still have business to attend to here.  Hear Ye!  Hear Ye”!  And as the judge continued to speak in such a manner the crowd slowly began to quiet themselves but there was still an occasional whoop and holler out among them and that would cause others to do the same.  Pretty soon all was right for the announcement of the last winner.

“Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  Hailing from the Master of Arts Classic School of Theatrical  Renaissance , again we have the pleasure of announcing last years overall winner of this event, Miss Emlargene Hooters!  Would Miss Hooters please come to the stage”?  Again the crowd was taken back by the judges thinking that Miss Emlargene Hooters would even place in this event.  They heard with their own ears her performance, and some of them even booed at the announcement!  Not a good thing for this show to hear, booing like that.  But it went on and Miss Hooters did show up on the stage and the crowd was not real pleased with this.  More whispering could be heard in the crowd and a lot of it I might add, that she did favors for the judges in order to get selected to the winning circle like she is.

At any rate, there you have the three winners of todays contest.  Mr. Belcher, Sir Butt and Miss Hooters.  They all stood before the crowd, as the crowd went wild once again.  The three of them bowed and bowed and bowed some more to the crowd and the enthusiastic roar of their voices!  It was an event like none other in the village of Jouster to hear such a noise.  Very well done!

Now we all know that the crowd was yelling for Sir Butt and his performance and not for the other two performers, who for some odd reason the crowd thinks paid off the judges so as they would come out winners.  Would you suspect that in the days of Sir Butt and Sir Clanks ALot and the villages of Metalurgy and Jouster that judges could have been persuaded to swing their votes in such a manner as to let undeserving contestants win such events?  I would not think so.  I have a firm belief that people of authority, such as these judges, would not stoop so low as to accept bribes, or favors.  That only happens in todays, modern times, does it not?  Well,  no matter, the crowd does not seem too pleased with two of the winners of todays contest, but they certainly do like the third one:  Sir Butt!

As the crowds noise died down to a mild roar, the judge stood up and announced:  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  In order of these contestants placement in the eyes of the judges for the Best of the Worst Contest, third place shall go to Mr. Belcher”!  And the crowd roared to life once more.  Then the judge continued, “And for second place, the judges rules that Miss Hooters holds that honor”!  And then the crowd did go crazy wild because that meant that Sir Butt did in fact win that portion of the contest hands down and now they are going to party like crazy and everyone will know that Sir Butt did in fact win this one hands down.  He is the Best of the Worst singer in the contest and quite possibly the Worst singer in all of Common Ground!  An honor only he could love.  (21)


Once off the stage, Sir Butt is entangled in the crowd and can not get away in any way, shape or form.  They carry him into the tavern and begin ordering cold mugs of ail for his pleasure.  He is forced to give speeches all through the night and tell them all that they want to hear about his singing abilities, his dragon slayings, his steed, his background and the list goes on and on and on.  Of course Sir Butt is “in his element” with such questions and goings ons.  He talks and yells and talks and speaks and talks and laughs and jokes and talks and talks and talks and talks.  ( I’m sure some of you know people like this in your own world).  This talking and speech giving goes on until the sun is coming up the next morning and nobody  in all of the crowd has left to go get any sleep.  In fact, the only two people who have slept in the entire town, including the judges was Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters.  Imagine that.

As the sun pierced through the tavern window, one of the crowd called out for breakfast to be served!  And the tavern people all got together a huge offering of food.  Meat, potatoes, ail, eggs, lamb broth, bisquets, pickled pigs feet, turkey legs, dill pickles, the list goes on and on.  And the crowd ate and ate.  What a feast.  Sir Butt certainly had his share of it as well, and he was famished.  Remember that the night before he regurgitated three days worth of food that he had taken in days before.  He completely emptied his body of anything but air and space.  You might say he “voided” himself out.

Well, after the meal and people were beginning to settle into partying again.  An announcement was made that the contestants were expected on the stage in just a few moments to begin the last of the contest.  The Best of the Best contest.

Sir Butt is now thinking to himself, well, big boy, you have stayed up all night, you have drank all the ail you could have possibly drank without hurling, you have talked until you do not have a voice left and you have not shaved.  Have you taken care of Something today?  NO!  And with that, he scurried over to the stable and made sure Something had food and drink and he hired a young village lad to take Something for a walk to make sure he relieved himself.  Before he left Something with the lad, he whispered in Somethings ear, “I am in it to win it”!  And Something shook his head up and down in agreement!

Sir Butt had to hurry from visiting Something in order to make it to the stage for that days contest, but he made it in plenty of time.  The judges were on the stage, even the one that was escorted out of the village the night before.  The village decided that he had only hurled once and still had one to go before being asked to leave for good.  That hurl must have been a huge one, as it came from deep within his person and left about two days worth of “goodies” laying there….oh well, that is another story.

Again the judge with the loudest voice stood up and started to yell:  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  We are about to commence with todays traditional Best of the Best contest.  Do we have the three competitors present”?  Sir Butt approached the stage and the crowd went wild once again!  With so much noise it was hard to distinguish what the judge said next, but It was something about the other two contestants.

When the crowd settled down, Sir Butt was still the only one on the stage with the judges.  The judge announced once again:  “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  Do we have Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters in the crowd?  Mr. Belcher!  Miss Hooters!  Please come up to the stage”!  The crowd was looking left and right, as well the judges were looking left and right.  Where were the other two contestants?  They were the only two people who got any sleep the during the night.  Could it be they are still in bed and it is time for the contest to begin? (22)


Everyone is looking for the other two contestants.  One of the judges announces:  “If Mr. Belcher does not show within one minutes time from right this second”, and he points his finger toward another of the judges to begin his count down for one minute, and then continued his announcement, “and if Miss Hooters does not show within one minute of this second”, and he points to a second judge to begin the countdown to one minute, and he went on to say, “They will be disqualified from this contest and we will have our winner without continuing the singing”.

Sir Butt is very relieved because he knows he can not carry a note in a bucket and he also knows that his song about himself is the one he will have to sing and he has not made up the melody to the words.  Only the words.  He is rather scared at this point in his life.  A time not to be scared, but he is.  His knees are shaking almost uncontrollably to think he will have to sing and hope that some sort of melody that makes sense comes out of it.  He thinks to himself, I can do it!  I told Something I was in it to win it and that is what I will do.  I will give this everything I have to make it work and I will win it!

The first minute passes and the judge announces that Mr. Belcher is no longer in the contest and that Sir Butt will at least split his portion of the coinage with Miss Hooters, should she show.  The seconds that needed to pass for Miss Hooters to show went by very slowly for Sir Butt.  His mind was racing…if Miss Hooters does not show, that will mean he will win the contest and take all of the coinage for himself!  He will not have to sing his song, or so he thinks.  He is now hoping beyond hope that Miss Hooters does not show.  And then the judge announces: “Hear Ye!  Hear Ye!  We have two contestants who have not shown for this contest.  Mr. Belcher and Miss Hooters are now disqualified from the competition.  That leaves Sir Butt the only contestant and we will proceed with the contest as if we had three participants.  Sir Butt must still prove his worthiness to receive the coinage from this competition”.

Oh my, thinks Sir Butt, I have to sing.  I have to sing a song I have never sang before.  I have to sing the song about myself that only has words to it and no music has ever been written for.  What will I do?  What will I do?  And then his courage swells up inside of him and he knows he must just do the best that he can and that is all he can do.  He knows he can do it.  Even though back in the back of his mind he recalls scaring people off of their porches when he was a young lad, when he would ride past their homes and he was thinking he was singing, but in fact his voice was just plain awful.  That part of Sir Butt has not changed as he has gotten older.  He just got louder at the screeching and moaning and wailing.

The judge turns to Sir Butt and asks:  “Sir Butt, you are the only competitor in this contest, but the rules state that you must follow through with the remainder of the contest as if there were other contestants.  You must prove to us beyond a shadow of a doubt in all of Common Ground that you are in fact the Best of the Best singer at Jouster.  But first I must ask you.  Do you in fact have a song to sing today, that you made up yourself”?

 Sir Butt, looking down toward his feet a bit, and then lifting his head tries to say the words that he knew he had to say, but all of the singing and talking and joking and drinking and yelling and such that he did all night long had taken his voice from him and he could not utter a word.  The judges were all looking at him and waiting for his reply, but only his lips moved and no sound was coming from his mouth.  Finally the judge said, “Sir Butt, are you alright”?  Sir Butt leaned forward to get closer to the judges ear and whispered, “Yes I am alright, but my voice has been taken from me at this moment, I think it is the excitement of this contest that has me so quiet”.  And then he whispered,  “Yes I do!  And I swear upon a stack of Common Ground bibles that I wrote it myself and that nobody else was involved.  And I call my song ‘Sir Butt’, after myself.  It is a song  I wrote about myself, for myself and I am in hopes that others who hear it will like it well enough to sing it as well”. (23)


“Very Well”!  Said the judge.  “Let the contest begin”.  And the judges took their seats and the crowd hushed and waited for Sir Butt to compose himself on the stage and prepare to sing.  Sir Butts voice could not be heard as he whispered to the judge and so they are in wonder as to what was said.  They are not sure what to expect as Sir Butt takes a deep breath and exhaled.   Sir Butt is not sure what he is going to do, but he knows he will do something and even if that something does not produce any sounds, at least he is on stage trying.  And he hopes that the judges will at least award him a third place and he can win the coinage for that position.

Sir Butt thinks about the words to the song he wrote:

“Fair Maiden fear me not, When you are cold, I am hot.  The man who knows so Much, makes  your path safe to Touch.  Dragons in the bush take Heed, Sir Butt will take your head Indeed.  The bravest man in all the Land is yielding Cache within his Hand.  And riding head long into the dragons Fire,  Something welcomes the dragons Ire.  With victory around the Bend,  Sir Butt wins out in the End.  The fiercest of the fierce will Know, the clash from Caches Blow.  And so the story Told, shows Sir Butt is very Bold.  From his steed he makes safe the paths of Gravel, so villagers may enjoy their Travel.  Sir Butt is Here to serve you Dear, and render Free the path you See, as you travel to your Point B”. (24)


Knowing his voice is gone, Sir Butt is looking at the crowd and the crowd is looking up at him standing on the stage and they are all wondering just what will be produced by his voice.  You see none of them know anything about him except what he told them the night before.  That he is the best of the best, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgeable one, the cleverest of the cleaver ones and that he has the finest steed in all of Common Ground and that his sword is named Cache and the sheath that protects Cache is His Account.  They do not know that he has never sung a note on key, or in tune or even been close to sounding like anything that others sing.  But they are expecting something to be uttered from his mouth and so they begin to hear it.

Sir Butt has taken a deep breath and begins to sing the song he wrote:  FFAAIIIRRR  MMAAIDEN  ffeearrrr meeee not.  Whhennn  Yooouu  Are Coldd, III am Hot.

And he continued to softly sing his song and the melody came with such a tone that none in all of Common Ground had ever heard before and it was such a beautiful rendition that the crowd was almost in tears as he finished the ballad of Sir Butt.


And as he finished the singing his arms were outstretched to his sides and his head was looking toward the heavens and he began to smile and think to himself, how thankful he is to have someone or something above looking down upon him and giving him the voice he had to complete this most difficult of things he had ever faced in all of his life!  And then he bowed to the crowd which was more exuberant and boisterous than they had ever been before.  Even the judges were on their feet and yelling and clapping with all they had.  The entire village was cheering, some of them had crawled up on the rooftops to get a good look at Sir Butt as he sang.  The melody was so very well arranged that some people say today they thought they heard music playing in the background and that Sir Butt had an accompaniment of chorus girls singing along with him.

And down through the annals of time the story is told how Sir Butt did in fact win this contest hands down and his steed ,Something ,broke free from the stable and was at the stage for Sir Butt to jump onto his back and parade around the village all proud like.  And that they moved the tavern facilities outside to accommodate all of the cold ail that needed to be consumed  and that the party went on and on until the next party was announced and the village people went about their business getting ready for that next party.

Well, having written all of what you have just read makes me think that Sir Butt should go into show business.  He can obviously sing very well and he is as honest as the day is long.  And perhaps that should be added to his strengths.  The Bravest of the Brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers, the all knowledgable one, the cleaverest of the cleaver, the most honest of all the honest, and the rider of the greatest steed in all of Common Ground!  Sir Butt!!!!!!

Bears Butt

Aug. 2011


Written on September 22nd, 2011 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt


A beautiful spring day in Common Land, finds Sir Butt riding slowly on Something down a beautifully tree lined trail leading to his Point B.  The birds are all out singing cheerfully.  The air, just refreshed from a light spring rain, is crisp and cool.  Life could not be better for the people of Common Ground and for Sir Butt himself.  He is reassured as his left hand finds the curved handle on Cash and then down to feel the top of Account, the sheath which covers Cash.

Far ahead coming his direction are two male travelers, obviously proceeding to their own Point B.  They too are traveling slowly and enjoying the spring morning and the beauty that can only be found in Common Ground.  As they get closer greetings begin to occur.   First by the steeds and then by the mens voices.

Whinnie, goes Something.  Whinnie go each of the steeds from the other travelers in turn.

Good Morning!    How is your day?  Says and asks Sir Butt.

Most excellent Sir!  And how is yours thus far? Says one of the other men.

It could not be better.  A beautiful spring day, birds singing and the temperature is as perfect as it gets here in Common Ground.  Says Sir Butt.

Let me introduce myself and my friend here.  Says one of the travelers.  My name is Lucky Man and my friend here is Al Ex.  We have just left Point A, over there (gesturing the direction and pointing low) and are heading for Point B over there (gesturing the direction and pointing high and arcing down).

Lucky Man?  Says Sir Butt, I do recall out meeting several years back.  I am the man who gave you that name.  I am Sir Butt!

Sir Butt?  Why yes I do recall meeting you and you giving me my name!  But I could not recall YOUR name after you named me.  Then off you went and killed the dragon which nearly had me and my horse charred to charcoal!  Sir Butt, I am of great pride to see you again.  Al Ex!  Please meet Sir Butt!  Said Lucky Man.

I am please to meet you Sir Butt, but unlike my friend here, Lucky Man, I WILL remember your name and your face forever.  Lucky Man has told me many times about the man who named him Lucky Man, but until now, no name and no face was able to be put to the man who named him.  Said Al Ex.  I can say that he is in of utmost gratitude for your giving him a name, because before that he had no name and would just grunt when people asked who he was, and so he became known as the grunting man.  Al Ex added.

Well.  Said Sir Butt, I’m very glad I gave you a name you can be proud of Lucky Man, I certainly would not have liked to have been called the grunting man.  And it’s my pleasure to meet you too Al Ex.   I see you have not been travelling for long because of your Point A being so close, but I also see you have a very long venture ahead of you because of where your Point B destination is.  I believe you will be travelling for several days.  Are you planning on staying in any other villages along the way?

We don’t have much in the way of funds and so we plan on  sleeping along the trail side until we reach our Point B.  Says Lucky Man.

We have plenty to eat and drink.  Says Al Ex.

Al Ex, how did you come of that name?  Asks Sir Butt.

Before my father passed away on the day of my birth, his last word was “AL” and then he passed.  Since it is only the father that can name his male children, “Al” became my name.  Also, since all of us in Common Land must have at least a two name name and because my mother could not remember my fathers second name, only “EX” was available.  And so, Al Ex, is what I have been called since.  Said Al Ex.

Well, Al Ex, how long have you and Lucky Man been riding together?  Asked Sir Butt.

Well, Lucky Man and I met when I finished my schooling in Metalurgy and I have been at his right hand side ever since.  Spoke Al Ex.

Ok then, if I may be so brazen!  From here on, wherever men shall meet and greet in Common Land you shall be known as “Right Hand Man”!  Said Sir Butt with exuberance.

Oh my friend Sir Butt, that is such an honor!  I shall cherish the name Right Hand Man from this day forth!  Responded the ex Al Ex.

From what you have said and with your distant Point B being your destination, there is only one place where there is any danger of dragons.  Says Sir Butt.  I shall be near that place in your travels by the time you get there and will do my best to make certain your path is cleared of dragon dangers.  So go forth with concerns behind you.  Enjoy your travel.  I must reach my Point B soon, I have people waiting for me there.  Oh and by the way, your Point A just happens to be my Point B.  Sir Butt Added.

Safe travelling to you too Sir Butt, Said Lucky Man.  Safe traveling Sir Butt, Said Right Hand Man.

And the three parted company and each rode on toward their Points B.

Right Hand Man had a very large smile on his face as they proceeded on toward their Point B.  Lucky Man also was pleased with the meeting they just had with Sir Butt.  Now Lucky Man would have a witness to his story of being named Lucky Man by Sir Butt and too, Right Hand Man has a witness to his naming by the same dragon slayer of dragon slayers.

As Sir Butt is riding on toward his Point B, which is the other travelers Point A, he asked himself this question:  Did Right Hand Man say he graduated in the village of Metalurgy, or did he say he graduated in Metalurgy?  And off he rode a bit confused about that.  (1)

Sir Butt Reaches Point B of his journey

It wasn’t long before Sir Butt  arrives at his Point B.  Something is nervous as they arrive through the gates and continue along the path toward the tavern.  Sir Butt feels the urge to eat a hearty breakfast and partake of liquid refreshments.  He lets Something out  to relieve himself.

Entering the tavern, Sir Butt notices some old friends he has not seen in quite some time and who said they would meet there this day.  They had breakfast served on the table and waiting for his pleasure.

Welcome Sir Butt!  Said one of the old friends.

Hello, good friends of mine.  Says Sir Butt.

You must sit and eat with us and we will chat about old times and drink some merriment and you must meet another dear friend.

So Sir Butt settles in to eat what is before him and chat with old friends and drink some merriment and meet another dear friend who he has not met before but trusts in the others good judgements.  Partaking of early Common Ground spring grapes and fresh bread and cows milk butter and chicken birds eggs and fried ground raised potatoes.  He filled his belly with it all.  And then came the merriment!  Again it was glass after glass while they talked about old times and good times and such as was had by them when they were last together.

Then into the room walks a very shapely young maiden who comes directly toward the table at which Sir Butt and the others are sitting.  Hello Merrily Buxum.  Said one of Sir Butts old friends.   Hello. Said Merrily Buxum in a shy manner, her head turning slightly away from the ever so handsome Sir Butt.  Sir Butt is so taken by the beauty of this young maiden he is dribbling merriment all down the right side of the corner of his mouth.  Which also is the side closest to Merrily Buxum.  She notices the dribble and pulls her hanky from under the long sleeve of her blouse and hands it to Sir Butt with a smile.

Sir Butt takes the hanky and dabs at the dribble and says, “My lady, it is obvious to me that chivalry is not dead in this abode”.

Nor should it ever.  And to whom am I granting the use of my hanky?  She said and then asked.

Excuse me.  Said one of Sir Butts old friends sitting at the table.  We were about to introduce you to Sir Butt upon your arrival, but who was to expect Sir Butt to dribble at such an inopportune moment.  You handled that in a most gracious manner.  Merrily Buxum, please meet our dear friend and fierce dragon slayer, Sir Butt!

Being the gentleman Sir Butt is, he stood while the introductions were being made.

They each put out a hand and greeted with the normal locked fingers and waving upright thumbs.  The custom of Common Ground between a man and a woman meeting for the first time.

Please be seated over there across the table from me.  Said Sir Butt.

And she sauntered to that chair and was assisted in  seating by another of Sir Butts good old friends.  Sir Butt could not take his eyes off her the entire time.  And as the conversation proceeded, his eyes were locked on her perfect form.

How did you come of such a beautiful name Merrily Buxum?  Asked Sir Butt.

Well, as you know only the mother can give a name to her female children and my mother gave me the name of Merrily.  It means Merrily you know and I am very merrily indeed, all the time.  My second name is as always my fathers last name, which is Buxum.  She responded.

Oh how quaint!  And I might add you are quite merrily and you certainly are buxom.  Said Sir Butt with a smile and a slight chuckle.  Would you care for some merriment?  Asked Sir Butt.

She did and all of them continued their conversation and partaking of more merriment until all the merriment in the establishment had been consumed. (2)

The next day

Sir Butt awakes in the stable with Something standing tall above him.  His head is pounding from consuming so much merriment, but his heart is filled with good thoughts of his old friends and the meeting of Merrily Buxum.  He can’t recall much more after their meeting yesterday.

And so, he must gather himself up and be on his way.  He thinks about what transpired the day before and figures he has just enough time to go from where he is now, Point A, to where there might be danger awaiting the two gentlemen he met yesterday on the trail (Point B).  Point B is a narrow valley, covered with low growth trees and many rock outcroppings.  A perfect dragon ambush point in the trail.

He scrambles to his feet and begins to look for Cash and his Account but they are no where to be found.  My GOSH!  What have I done with them?  He frantically asks himself, as he looks into the eyes of Something.  What has happened to my Cash and my Account?

Of course Something cannot speak, and cannot tell him he left them both on the table in the tavern last evening while he and Merrily Buxum went dancing.  She kept hitting into the ballast of the sward and causing the end of the Account to swing into other dancers, tripping them and almost causing Sir Butt to have to take up a fist to cuff.  Something Sir Butt is not good at and most likely would have come out a knot headed looser.  Merrily Buxum wanted no such thing to happen and made him disrobe.

Vaguely Sir Butt started to piece the events of the night back together.  Perhaps a glass of merriment would refresh his memory and allow him to locate his Cash and his Account.  And so, back to the tavern he trudged, head pounding madly at each beat of his heart.

Inside, there sat Merrily Buxum at the same table where he last saw her the night before and on the table sat his Cash and his Account.  Oh My Gosh!  He cried,  My Cash and My Account!  They are safe!

Merrily Buxum groggily said, Yes, but only because I was here guarding the stupid dang things while you went out to check on Something and never came back!  And her voice began to pick up volume and intensity as she said,  You Sir Butt are a CAD!  A CAD of all CADS !!  It’s no wonder you have no female friends.  No wonder all you think about is slaying dragons and drinking merriment and parading Something around between your legs,  while waiving your Cash and your Account in front of people.  A CAD I tell you a CAD!

My dear lady Merrily Buxum, said Sir Butt in a very controlled and quiet voice.  First off, let me say, these two items you have guarded are not “Stupid dang things”.  They are cherished items with which I pursue and slay the very beasts that wish to turn your lovely buxom body into charcoal.  If it weren’t for such treasures as my Cash and my Account,  perhaps your father and mother would not have been around to make you.  Secondly I know not of what you speak, CAD!  And thirdly, I am a gentleman of gentlemen and wish to THANK YOU Very Kindly for guarding my Cash and my Account while I was out checking on Something and only now are getting back.

There you go again, Sir Butt!  She angrily said.  Making a CAD out of yourself again.  Trying to make me think you stepped out and are just now getting back.  Proof positive just what kind of man you truly are, and to think I had almost fallen for you and your gentlemanly ways…YOU CAD!

Merrily Buxum, I must be going to save some travelers who are about to enter a Dragon Ambush and only I can stop the onslaught of their demise.  I am the one who named them both and I am the only one who can keep their names alive.  Please tell me what CAD means so I can be on my way.  Says Sir Butt.

I’ve had it up to here with you Sir Butt!  She said, as she raised her flattened palm up to about her chin, and to where Sir Butt did not see it end.  I’ll tell you what CAD means and when it is invented and printed for everyone to see, your picture will be placed right along side the written meaning.  “C” stands for Churl, “A” for Albeit and “D” for  Dastard!  And in a nutshell it means you are a scumbag, scoundrel, no good, deceiving, lying, knave, rotten ,bounder, heel, cur dog!!!

But, before she got to “nutshell”, Sir Butt had gathered up his Cash and his Account and literally ran out of the tavern toward the stable. (3)

Glad to be on his way

After leaving the tavern and the beauty of Merrily Buxum, who was showing another side of her beautiful self, he mounted up on Something and off they went toward the narrows of the trail ahead of  Lucky Man and Right Hand Man.  He has to arrive at that spot long before they do in order to rid the area of any and all dragons.  Especially any three headed ones that like to hang out in and around the underbrush and rock cliffs found there.

Why is it that Sir Butt feels he needs to save these two men?  Why is he so concerned?  Any travelers along that trail could be coming through there and be turned to charcoal and he would never know it.  So why these two men?

It is a matter of principle for one thing.  Sir Butt told them he would be there to make sure he did all he could to rid the area of dangers that might be laying there in wait for their passage.  For a knight to make a promise and not follow through is a very big disgrace and dishonor to his knighthood.  So for that alone he must go and clear the area of villainous foul mouthed beasts.  But there is more!  He is like a father to these two men.  After all, there own fathers only partly did their job of naming them and so, since he partook of the part of naming them both, he becomes the surrogate father to them.  A role he highly prides himself with.  Especially since he has never been married nor had children that he knows of.

And so, off he goes at a fast gate down the trail toward the narrows.


Arriving at the Narrows

Galloping down the trail toward the Narrows, Sir Butt passes a small camp on the side of the trail some several miles before the Narrows.  It is very early in the morning and he has been riding for several days straight without stopping to eat or sleep.  He knows this camp to be that of the two travelers, Lucky Man and Right Hand Man as he recognizes the two steeds hobbled near by.  He feels his pride swell up as he passes the camp, knowing that he is now ahead of the men and just a short distance from the Narrows.

Sir Butt slows Something’s gait, and then slows it again to a walk.  Something has been running for quite some time and needs a break to relieve himself and he lets Sir Butt know exactly what needs to be done.

Gathering himself up off the ground, after being thrown from the back of Something, he cusses under his breath about the steed. He approaches Something and grabs the dangling reigns.  There is a huge puddle of water all around the steed and Something looks very happy indeed, as he tosses his head in a nodding fashion, while looking at Sir Butt.  Sir Butt even thinks he sees a smile on the steeds lips, but chooses to ignore the look and he mounts up and kicks the steed in the loins.  Down the trail they proceed.

The Narrows are just ahead and Sir Butt is on alert.  He checks to make certain Cash is at the ready, pulling it out of his Account and touching the blade against his cheek.  It is as sharp as ever and ready for action, should action be needed.  Then Cash is put back into his Account and they ride on.

The Narrows is a darkened environment even at mid day when the sun is directly overhead.  The trail is just as wide through the Narrows as it is anywhere else, but the tall trees that tower above the trail form a canopy of shade like none other in all of Common Ground.  There is a thick growth of underbrush as well, that only grows where there is a lot of shade and moist earth.  Add to that the rock cliffs that also form the Narrows and there you have a perfect lair for beasts of destruction to live and haunt.

Sir Butt is on full alert to spot any dangers ahead, along side or from behind, but so is his trusty steed, Something.  There is an inborn sense that Something has that tells him when danger lurks and being between Sir Butt’s legs, it is easy for Something to let Sir Butt know he is sensing danger.  Something will somehow shrink up and that lets Sir Butt know that some danger is near at hand.

Sir Butt gets a feeling that somewhere, some evil, or perhaps not evil, is watching him riding along.  He clasps the guard of Cash but does not withdraw it from his Account.  He rides slowly on into the darkness of the Narrows.

It progressively gets darker and darker as they ride down into the Narrows and the underbrush is dark and thick, unlike the last time Sir Butt was in this part of Common Ground.  The air is heavy and humid and smells of dragons from the past.  There are never any breezes or winds in the Narrows to clear the air and the smells get trapped.  Travellers  passing through there always speed up their steeds gaits to get through there as quickly as they can to avoid the rotting smells deep in the hollow of the Narrows.

These smells makes is harder for Sir Butt to detect the odor of a dragon.  Dragons have an odor like nothing else and you can almost see the stench emanating from their scaled bodies.  Dragons can not relieve themselves after eating, and whatever they have eaten rots inside their carcass and permeates the dragons body from the inside out.  Disgusting to say the least.

Sir Butt rides on ever so slowly.  Something has shrunken which is telling Sir Butt there is danger around them someplace.  Sir Butt is looking all around as they ride; ahead, now to the right, now behind.  NO, NO now to the Left!  Was that a sound?  Sir Butt brings Something to a standstill.  Silence.  Nothing.  No stirring bush.  No growling.  No heavy breathing.  Absolutely quiet.  After looking all around them, he again lightly taps Something on the loins and they begin to move down the trail once more.

Suddenly they find themselves at the very lowest point in the Narrows, which happens to also be the darkest, dampest and stinkiest part.  It’s a gag fest between Sir Butt and Something as they hurry through this part of the Narrows and begin their assent out of the depths.  It is still very dark and damp and smelly, but at least not as horrid as the very bottom.  Sir Butt reminds himself that it was not too long ago he slayed a three headed dragon down in that part of the Narrows and it is most likely the rotting decaying dragon parts that is making that part of the Narrows so smelly.  He thinks to himself that there should be a clean up crew following behind him to clean up some of the messes he creates.  But that is just a passing thought.

As they ascend the trail, Something begins to grow from his shrunken state.  The relaxed Something tells Sir Butt that the danger has passed for the most part and they have come through the Narrows without finding any evil beast.  Could it be there is no evil beast in the Narrows, or did the beast let them travel through knowing full well that two more travelers are just now entering the top of the Narrows on the other side?  Sir Butt has to weigh in on his own decision.  He could ride on out of the Narrows to safety, or turn around and go back into the Narrows and intercept the two travelers, Lucky Man and Right Hand Man. (5)

Sir Butt Turns Around

It did not take Sir Butt long to decide to turn back and try and intercept Lucky Man and Right Hand Man.  Something spun on a farthing and off and down into the darkness they went.  This time Sir Butt was in a bit of a hurry, both to get through the ever so thick and stinking bottom of the Narrows and to intercept his traveling friends before they got too deep into the Narrows.

They galloped through the darkest of the Narrows rather quickly and started the ascent up the other side.  Just past the very bottom of the Narrows as they sped by, Sir Butt saw one head of a three headed dragon peering over the edge of a short cliff on his right.  As he passed, the head ducked back down and Sir Butt knew just what he had to do.  He continued up the trail until he intercepted the travelers on their decent into the darkness of the Narrows.

As Sir Butt approached at a full gallop, he reigned in Something and came to an abrupt sliding stop right in front of their own steeds.  All three steeds were prancing in nearly circles as the men reigned them in and got them settled down.  What goes?  Asked Lucky Man.  What goes?  Responded Sir Butt.  What goes indeed, my good men.  What goes is you two into the bowels of a three headed dragon if you don’t halt your advance at this moment and let me have time to remove the beast from your path!  Continued Sir Butt.  YOU saw a three headed dragon down there?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Yes I did, as I was galloping back to stop you two.  One of his heads appeared over the brink of a rock edge as I galloped past its hiding position.  Said Sir Butt.  You said, you were riding back.  Does that mean you rode through the Narrows but the dragon did not attack you?  Said and asked Lucky Man.  When I rode through earlier, both Something and myself felt the presence of an unknown watching us.  We did not see it, but Something was so shriveled he was almost as if non existing between my legs.  We went on and soon Something began to grow and grew back to his real size again.  We knew then we had passed the danger.  At that, I spun Something around and galloped back to stop you.  Said Sir Butt.  But why, pray tell, did the dragon not roast you and Something as you passed by?  Asked Right Hand Man.  My knowledge of dragons leads me to the conclusion that it knew the two of you were beginning to descend the trail into the Narrows.   You must know this; dragons do think sometimes, and obviously this dragon is very quick of thought.  First, this dragon knows that one man on one horse is a very good meal, but two men on two horses is even a better meal.  A double your order for a tiny price increase sort of a tradeoff.  Responded Sir Butt.   Well now.  How much more does it cost a dragon to fry up two men and two horses over the cost of frying up one man on one horse?  Asked Right Hand Man.  You know nothing of dragons do you Right Hand Man?  Asked Sir Butt.  No Sir Butt, I know absolutely nothing except what my mothers male friend taught me about flying dragons!  Answered Right Hand Man.  I see.  Said Sir Butt, scratching his stubbly chin.  As the trained and often quoted Dragon Slayer of Dragon Slayers, it is obvious I need to take some time here and explain some of the facts about three headed dragons . (6)

Sir Butt Gives a Lesson

As Sir Butt begins to explain about three headed dragons and how they expend their resources on creating the fire that eventually fry’s up men and horses and such, the horses the men are on are resting.  Standing on three legs and swatting at the fly’s on their rear ends with their half braided tails.

The tail end of Sir Butt’s explanation goes like this: …..and with that having been done, the beast devourers the charcoal remains of the two men and the two horses and all the gear they had in their possession.

Holy BeJeasus Sir Butt!  I had no idea!  Responded Right Hand Man with a gasp, while holding his left hand over his heart.   I knew you had no idea by the comment you made about the flying dragons.  Said Sir Butt.  In addition, I don’t think your mothers male friend liked you very much and that is why he told you there were flying dragons.  Added Sir Butt, not afraid to speak his mind.  I’ll have to think about what you just said about my mothers male friend Sir Butt.  Exclaimed Right Hand Man.

As for now, we must make a plan to rid the trail of that three headed dragon.  Said Sir Butt in an “inclusive” sort of way.  What do you mean by “We”, Sir Butt?  Asked Lucky Man.  Well, gentlemen, perhaps it is time for the two of you to actually see a real three headed dragon and perhaps even see how the slaying of it is done.  I have never had an audience while slaying a dragon and now is a perfect time.  Said Sir Butt .  But, but, but, what if we get fried while watching?  What if the beast takes you down and fries you and then comes for us?  What if your superb abilities to slay dragons goes array an it kills you?  What if…….and at that Sir Butt interrupts Right Hand Man with:  That is not going to happen Right Hand Man.  Trust me!  Said Sir Butt.  In a sheepish soft voice Lucky Man said, But Sir Butt I HAVE seen a three headed dragon before.  Don’t you remember my story the day you named me?  AH YES!  Thanks for reminding me.  But to see two three headed fire breathing dragons in one lifetime is a real pleasure indeed.  Besides to have the two of you witness the beheading of a three headed dragon by the best of the best, dragon slayer of dragon slayers, would add credibility to your lives and make the wenches in the taverns swoon over you like the flies on our steeds behinds!  You would like that now would you not?  Exclaimed Sir Butt.

Now here is the plan!  Said Sir Butt. (7)

The Plan is spelled out

Gentlemen, have you ever been down this trail through the Narrows?  Asked Sir Butt.  Never.  They both responded in unison.  I thought not, because you could have chosen another route to your Point B had you known about the Narrows.  Only fools take this route.  Said Sir Butt.  But we are here now and it is the shortest route to your Point B at this time and there is no sense turning back. Continued Sir Butt.  And he went on to explain:  The trail descends down about 3 miles, continuing to darken as the depth increases.  We will still be able to see just fine, but the humidity will rise a great deal, as does the coolness of the bottom.  Once you are down there you will be as cool as you will ever be in this mortal life.  BUT, I might add, the stench is nearly unbearable, what with old rotting dragon carcasses of my past and all.  Right Hand Man interrupts,  Do you not have some people picking up after you when you slay these dragons Sir Butt?  No I do not! Replied Sir Butt.  Would you like the job?  He added.  Pehaps, Sir Butt, but first let’s see how this slaying goes.  Right Hand Man said.

Please try not to interrupt me until I am fully finished with the plan, gentlemen.  Said Sir Butt and he continued:  The dragon is hiding on the left side of the trail just about to the bottom but not quite.  There is a short cliff of rocks about this tall (and he used his hand to show the cliff height to be about mid way up Somethings side).  Behind that short rock outcropping is another higher cliff and the dragon is between the two cliffs laying in some short undergrowth.  Three headed dragons are noted for their abilities to leap out with the top half of their bodies and fry their victims before the victim knows they are a victim.  Lucky Man is  a Lucky Man because the dragon was caught off guard when he approached and he leaped out behind Lucky Man and did not get the frying done before Lucky Man escaped.  That only happens once in a dragons life.  Now then back to the plan.

We are going to ride into the depths of the Narrows in single file.  I will take the lead.  Which of you has any sort of weapon?  Asked Sir Butt.  Neither of us has a weapon.  Said Lucky Man.  Good!  Exclaimed Sir Butt.  I would have had to take it from you.

As we approach the spot where the dragon is laying in wait, I will withdraw Cash from my Account.  This will be your clue to heel your steeds in the loins and ride as fast as possible passed me and down into the bottom of the Narrows.  When you get to the bottom of the Narrows you are to halt your travel and quickly turn your steeds around and watch the action of Sir Butt slaying the three headed dragon.  You will really like the show and when it is over and we are clearly out of the Narrows instead of an applause of gratitude, please just throw coins a plenty at my feet.  I thank you in advance.

Meanwhile, as you quickly ride passed the laying dragon he will raise his three heads and prepare to fry you both as you ride passed.  That is where I come in with  Cash in hand!   The dragon will have all six eyes concentrated on the two of you and it will not register in any of the three heads that I too am riding hard and will lop off at least one of the three heads with my first pass.  Confusion will set in on the dragon at that point and the rest should be fairly simple.  Let’s take it that far and see what comes of it after that.  Now let us move on. (8)

The Dragon in the bowels of the Narrows

The three men move out and are walking their steeds slowly down the trail to the bottom of the Narrows.  It gets darker and darker as they approach the bottom.  The time of day is after the middle of the afternoon and the sunshine is not shining directly down into the Narrows.  The shadows of the trees are getting longer and themens overall  ability to see is hampered by the darkness.

Again, as before, Something begins to quiver and shrink as they are approaching the cliffs on the left.  Sir Butt believes he can see an eye from one of the heads peering over the top of the lowest rock ledge, but is not quite certain that it is what he sees.  They continue to ride forward and suddenly Sir Butt sees the eye blink and then disappear from sight.  As quick as a linx cat, he draws Cash for his Account and waves it high into the air.  The time has come to lop off some heads and he stands tall in his saddle.  That is the signal for the other two to heel their own steeds in the flanks and bust down the trail at full speed.  And they do and they pass Sir Butt like he is standing still.  Of course that is exactly what he is doing.

Down the trail they ride as fast as they can, one behind the other.  When they got about 10 feet in front of Sir Butt he kicked Something in the flanks and down he went behind the other two.  Full speed ahead as they galloped.  The two ahead of Sir Butt were laying low against their steeds necks as they went, but Sir Butt was still standing upright and angling Something toward the left side of the trail.  The Dragon is up and all three heads are looking at the two riders with content.  Their meal awaits!  But before either of the three heads decides it is going to do the fire breathing, Sir Butt is on them and with a mighty swoop of Cash, off goes not one but two of the heads!  Plop Plop!!!

Sir Butt is quite amazed at this feat, as that has never happened to him before!  He rides past the beast and once out of fire breathing range, he pulls the reigns tight on Something and turns his head to go back up the trail and fight the last of the three heads.

As he and Something are catching their breath, the dragon is doing the same and it sucks in a huge amount of air and blows it out with the fury of a volcano erupting!  Sir Butt has never seen such a display of fire coming from a dragons mouth before.  And no sooner did the dragon do that, It sucked in another breath and breathed it the same as the breath before.  Scorching all of the plants and ground between Sir Butt and itself!  Sir Butt says out loud, Holy Chit Man, that guy is not a happy one!  And Something paws the ground in agreement.

The dragon now is looking down at the other two heads laying there on the ground.  Sir Butt knows this is his opportunity to strike out at the remaining head.  He heels Something in the flanks and the two of them lurch forward straight toward the waiting dragon!  The dragon looks up quickly at the fast approaching Sir Butt and begins to draw another deep breath, but before he is fully drawn Cash drives deep into the chest of the dragon, and deflates the lung with a burst of gaseous air and blood.  And then just as quickly, Sir Butt pulls Cash back out of the chest of the beast and with a mighty swing backwards and to his right, the ever so sharp Cash strikes the dragons neck and off goes the third head.  The dragons body still stands as if it was able to do something about the situation and then collapses in a heap.  The beast is deceased! (9)

Much Fanfare

While Sir Butt in engaged in the short battle with the three headed dragon, Lucky Man and Right Hand Man are watching in ahh.  (Actually they are watching in the bottom of the Narrows and not in ahh.  Ahh is just a figure of speech).  Their mouths are agape as Sir Butt takes the two heads off with one mighty sweep of Cash!  Of course as they are watching this all unfold before their wide eyes, they do not know that Sir Butt is also surprised by the two head decapitation move he had just performed.  But they will never know that.

When the second head hit the ground with a thud, Right Hand Man let out a loud yell of approval for the move.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  Which literally translates to “Way to go Sir Butt”!  As Sir Butt spun Something around and charged back toward the beast the two on lookers thought it was going to be the end of Sir Butt for certain.  The beast had just let out two ferocious blasts of noxiously infernal  displays of fire power and was preparing for a third as Sir Butt closed the gap between him and the ugly beast.  They both closed their eyes at the thought of Sir Butt and Something becoming just a pile of charcoal scattered on the ground.  But not hearing the ferocious roar,  no feeling the intensity of the fires blast, they opened their eyes just in time to see Sir Butt remove Cash from the chest of the beast and swing Cash up and right.  And time seemed to slow as Cash came down on the back of the beasts neck and sliced through that thick scaly skin like it was nothing.  They were both in a state of shock and amazement as the third head came thumping down onto the ground at Somethings feet.  At that they both spontaneously yelled a triumphant….AHHHHHHHHHHHH  YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  CCCAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!  Which literally translates to “Way to go Sir Butt and Cash”!

Sir Butt turns to the beheaded beasts body laying there in the deep grass at the bottom of the Narrows and raises Cash high over his head and says loudly , Let this be a lesson to all you three headed fire breathing dragon beasts that call this place your home!  Your days are numbered just like this one that lies here today!  I now place Cash in my Account and the next time Cash is drawn from my Account it might be your heads that are about to come off!!!!

And with that, Sir Butt puts Cash back into his Account and turns towards the two men waiting at the bottom of the Narrows.  As he approaches the two of them, he heels Something in the flanks and rides quickly past the two of them and on up the trail.  Puzzled by Sir Butt’s quick move to ride out, they too turn their steeds and heel them in the flanks to follow Sir Butt up  the trail to the other side of the Narrows.  They ride quickly until they have completely ridden out of the Narrows and are away from  that hideous place.

Sir Butt halts Something at the top and turns toward the two men following him.  Sir Butt is wearing a grin like he had never grinned before.  He knows the feat that he just accomplished was witnessed by these two and he is in all his glory to hear about how well he did.  Sir Butt loves attention and he is about to receive some of the best he has ever gotten.  He is the bravest of the brave!  The dragon slayer like none other in all of Common Ground.  All the people of Common Ground love him and he knows it, but he needs constant feedback and praise in that regard.

Pulling their steeds to a halt, one on either side of Sir Butt.  Lucky Man asks, Sir Butt, why in Common Ground did you hurry so quickly out of the bottom of the Narrows.  We were wishing to congratulate you on that fine dispatching job on that dragon.  My dear men, started Sir Butt, did you not smell the retched stench down there?  It almost crawls on you.   I was about to hurl big chunks of whatever all about down there, I had to get up here for some good air to breath.  That being said, they both remove their hats and bowed towards him, nearly in unison.  I commend you Sir Butt on such a fine display of bravery and skills!  Said Lucky Man, the only known survivor of a three headed dragon attack.  I too salute your abilities and bravery, Sir Butt, a finer display of dragon dispatch could not have been done!  Said Right Hand Man.  Well, well!  Said Sir Butt adding, I could not have done it without your help.  You see, the three heads were all watching the two of you as you galloped past, and by the time they realized I was fast approaching they could not react quickly enough and I was able to get in close and hack some heads.

Sir Butt, your bravery to get so close to that dragon was un human like!  Anyone can see the danger in that!  But it looked as if you were having fun!  Said Right Hand Man.  And then, when the dragon let out those two horrendous blasts of fire, you fearlessly charged right into its face like you do it every day.  Added Lucky Man.

Well gentlemen, started Sir Butt, I have been trained to know exactly when and where to attack three headed fire breathing dragons and I know everything about what they are thinking all of the time.  They are not as quick at thinking as I am and so I can lop off their heads rather easily.  Just like the two heads that came off on my first swing of Cash.  Nothing to it.  And if I could, I would do it every day, how about you Something?  Would you do it every day if you could?  And Something digs at the ground with his left front hoof in agreement.

Let me remind you gentlemen; on the other side of the Narrows and before we charged into battle with the three headed dragon I asked that the two of you skip all the clapping and back slapping and just to throw money at my feet.  I am looking down at my feet at this moment and I see not the first of coins.  Reminded Sir Butt.

And the men began to toss coins and toss coins they did until the ground around Sir Butt glistened in  the passing sunlight.

The three men made camp at the side of the trail and slept well. (10)

Sir Butt Goes His Own Way

The morning sun had already hit their bed rolls as they awoke.  Having slept longer than normal after such a day as the day before had been.  Lucky Man and Right Hand Man could not quit talking about Sir Butt and his bravery.  All of the twists and recounts of the days battle went on for hours.  And Sir Butt just listened and smiled.  He knew that by the time those two reached their Point B the true story would be so enlarged it would be quite unbelievable indeed.  But there was nothing he could do about it except agree with whatever they were saying.  He knows he is a hero.  He knows he is the bravest dragon slayer in all of Common Ground.  He just knows he knows and he knows everything!  Just ask.

I must be off.  Said Sir Butt to the other two men.  Whereforst are you going Sir Butt?  Ask Lucky Man.  Over there.  Responded Sir Butt as he pointed his finger to his left in a slight arc.  You two are going to continue on this trail until it splits and then take the trail to the right.  It will lead you right to your Point B.  You are still a few days ride away, but the path should be safe now.  Said Sir Butt.

Sir Butt mounted Something, checked on Cash and his Account with his left hand and said Ado!  Both men stood near and gave Sir Butt a heros salute as he rode off toward the sun.

Sir Butt was en route now to the top of the highest mountain around those parts of Common Ground.  Sir Butt likes to sit atop a high vantage point and look for evil and dangers below.  He lives for that sort of thing you know.  His quest in life is to make certain all travelers go from their Points A to their Points B in safety.  Sir Butt has even been known to stop storms from hitting travelers as they travel.  He can stop the howling winds and driving rains.  It never snows in Common Ground but I would venture to bet a Crown Piece he could stop that too.  The man is THAT good.

Traveling up the steepest part of the hill now, he is very near the top.  Something slips and goes down on his front legs.  Sir Butt steps off and Something stands.  The two of them walk side by side the rest of the way to the top.  Sir Butt sits at the very peak of that hill and begins his scan of the valleys below.  Beautiful and peaceful valleys in all directions.  He can see travelers coming and going about their business far below.  He can see distant traces of villages scattered about Common Ground and the hinterlands are filled with the beauty that abounds in the land.  The sun is high and warm.  He leans back against a rock and falls to sleep.  In the meantime, Something is busy munching the green grass found on the hill.  A very peaceful place for a nap.

Sir Butt dreams of the past few days events and then in his dream he recalls the words of Right Hand Man….”I finished my schooling in Metalurgy”.  He awakens with that thought still in his head.  What exactly did Right Hand Man mean when he said that, he wonders.  Could it be that he lived in Metalurgy and studied the mining ways?  Did he learn to turn the metal layden rock into pure metal?  Did he learn to cook for the miners and the rock smitters?  Just what was his schooling in Metalurgy?

Side note:  What is a rock smitter?  Ah Ha!  I thought you would never ask.  A rock smitter is one who yields a very large and heavy hammer and brings it down upon the rocks outer surface and causes it to break into a smittering of pieces.

These questions must be answered, otherwise there is a hidden answer to a question that someone may ask him some day and he will not be able to tell them the answer.  And since Sir Butt knows all, at this point, he doesn’t and he jumps to his feet.  All a bit beside himself at this point, he knows he must go, post haste to find Right Hand Man and get the answer to the question that is bouncing around in  Sir Butt’s head.  It just will not leave.  Like the tune from a song it just keeps playing in his head and is about to drive him out of his ever loving mind.  Of course a lot of folks say he lost his mind some while back, but that is probably another story.

Sir Butt secures the reigns of Something and tells Something they must go in post haste to find Right Hand Man, but he says nothing about the question in his head.  Sir Butt does not want anyone, least his favorite steed to know,  he does NOT know EVERYTHING. (11)

With Something between his legs Sir Butt is off

Sir Butt is traveling as fast as Something will allow.  Galloping down the mountain side from which they ascended just a few hours before.  Sir Butt is preoccupied with the question that continually runs through his head.  He is not watching the trail ahead, he is trusting Something to do that, suddenly Sir Butt is knocked off his horse and onto the ground…KATHUMP!  Something realizes the weight loss and halts his advance and turns around to go back to Sir Butt.  A tree branch has swept Sir Butt right off the back of Something and onto the ground.  He gathers himself up, checks his Cash and Account and remounts Something.  I must be more careful.  He mutters aloud.  And heels  Something in the flanks and they continue their way down the trail.

Sir Butt is now well aware of his environment as he does not want another unsuspecting dismount to happen.  He is ducking left and right the branches that would otherwise knock him for a loop.  And on they go toward the trail from the Narrows.

They soon arrive at the trail where they left Lucky Man and Right Hand Man standing.  Of course there is no one there and after a brief pause to let Something  do his thing, so to speak,  they  hasten the pace up the trail in the direction away from the Narrows.  Sir Butt is no longer in such a great hurry, but they are moving at a pretty good gait.  He knows they will catch up with the two men in a short time.  He also knows they are not in a big hurry themselves, still having several days travel ahead of them before they reach their Point B.  Sir Butt begins to look around at the beautiful country side as they travel along.  It has been a very long time since he last visited this particular part of Common Ground.  It is as pretty as he remembered.

REMEMBERED?  Oh my, his mind suddenly goes back to the questions about Right Hand Man and the lack of the answer has him again puzzling his own self esteem.  He does NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!  And that is a maddening thing for him to think about. Sir Butt has always known everything, but now he doesn’t and he just has to have the answer quickly.   He will not be able to sleep until he does!

In the trail ahead come three travelers.  One on horseback the other two walking.  Something is drawn to a halt by Sir Butt before they get to within talking distance.  Sir Butt knows they must speak to the travelers, it is the custom of Common Ground to do so.  Sir Butt is also afraid he will be asked a question and perhaps he won’t know the answer to it.  He is again beside himself.  One of him says it will be alright, how could they ask him about Right Hand Man and his education.  The other of him says, turn and ride to the fork in the road and hide from them, they will ask you about Right Hand Man for sure.  What to do?  What to do?  A decision is made without a decision being made, as the travelers are now within talking distance.  Sir Butt is trapped!  His own decision making process has been crashed down upon him and now he is faced with just what might be his total undoing!  His reputation is about to be dashed.  And after such a momentous occasion just the day before too.

Good day sir!  Said one of the foot travelers.  Good Day right back at you.  Said Sir Butt, all confident like.  It looks like you are having a most splendid day.  Said the riding traveler.  I am having almost the most wonderful day of my life.  Responded Sir Butt and then he added, Wherest are thou heading.  Well we are heading to Point B, of course.  Said the second walking traveler.  And wherest be that Point?  Asked Sir Butt.  Over there!  Said the horse rider, as he pointed his index finger high and down in an arc.  Oh, I see!  Said Sir Butt.  You should make it there by tomorrow evening.  He continued.  And then added, I must be off, I have travelers ahead I must catch up with.  Oh do you mean Right Hand Man and Lucky Man?  Said the first foot traveler.  We just left them after a very long conversation.  Said the other foot traveler.  By chance are you Sir Butt?  Asked the horseman.  That be me, one and the same!  Said Sir Butt as he pushed out his chest.  Oh, we heard such a wonderful tale of your skills, bravery and cunningness, Sir Butt.  Can you add any more to the story they told us?  Said and asked the second foot traveler.  Nothing to add, I’m sure they told you every detail of the event and then some.  They didn’t mention anything about a flying dragon did they?  Sir Butt said and asked with a smile.

Sir Butt asked that question to throw the conversation off in another direction so that he might escape the inevitable question everyone asks about this time in the conversation.  That question is:  You are the smartest man around, you know everything don’t you?  He knows he can not answer that question with a yes, because HE knows HE DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!!!

Sir Butt, started the man on the horse, You are the smartest man around, you know just how to kill a dragon don’t you?  Yes I do!  Smartly answered Sir Butt, again heaving his chest out with pride.  We have heard of you everywhere in Common Ground, Sir Butt.  Said the first foot traveler, and then he continued with, Is there anything you do not know?  My good man, I thank you for asking me that question.  Sir Butt responded with a very much relieved breath.  Not every man knows everything even if they think they do.  Not even I, the almost all knowledgeable one!  The Bravest of the Brave.  The dragon slayer of dragon slayers.  Not even I know it all.  The man on the horse says, Sir Butt, it is getting late and we must travel some before we set up camp for the night.  It was our pleasure to speak with such a man of your stature and eloquence.  Our humbleness thanks you!

And the two groups ride off in separate directions.  The three travelers and the two Sir Butt’s and Something.  You see Sir Butt is still beside himself.  He just dodged a flaming arrow (they didn’t have bullets in his day), a spear, a spike laden ball on a chain and several wenches and he knows it.  He knows most things now, but he still has to find the answer to the one thing he does NOT know.  (12)

Sir Butt catches up

As Sir Butt rides on, he sees his two companions from the day before up ahead sauntering along.  And so Sir Butt slows his pace.  He does not want them to suspect anything about him meeting back up with them.  Only that he had a change of plans and found himself on the same trail as they were on.  Something knows that Sir butt has this in mind and starts to drag his hoofs in the trail and causing a dust.  Something likes to make Sir Butt nervous and so he does things like this.  Something has surprises up his hock all the time and Sir Butt is never really surprised when Something pulls off a prank such as the one he is pulling at this time.  Sir Butt just accepts the dust as part of the days activities.  His main concern is learning what Right Hand Man meant by what he said.

As Sir Butt and Something approach the two travelers ahead Lucky Man turns his head and sees Sir Butt behind them and tells Right Hand Man that.  They both halt their progress and turn their steeds back toward the trail on which they came.  Sir Butt advances.

Hay Ho!  Sir Butt!  Yells Right Hand Man!   YO!  Cries back Sir Butt.  To what pleasure do you return to our traveling ways, Sir Butt?  Asks Lucky Man.  Oh, nothing really.  Answers Sir Butt.  I decded your Point B should be mine as well and turned around  before I got to my then Point B and commenced to come to your Point B, which is now my Point B.  One and the same.  We are fortunate indeed to have you as company with us Sir Butt.  Said Lucky Man.  I have been traveling fast to get to here from whenst I left and am in need of some drink, by chance do either of you have some ail?  Asks Sir Butt.  I do Sir Butt, but it is a bit weak.  Answered Right Hand Man.  That would be fine for a beggar.  Answered Sir Butt.  Beggar you are NOT Sir Butt, you are the bravest of the lot here in Common Ground.  It is my pleasure to share my meager ail.  Answered Right Hand Man.  Here, he adds, Take it and drink all to your hearts desire.  I thank you most kindly my good man!  Answers Sir Butt.

And Sir Butt takes the ail and it is satisfying beyond his imagination.  What is in this potion that quenches his thirst so very much?  Again Sir Butt is beside himself with such puzzlement.  One side saying it is just that he is so dehydrated it has gone straight to his head, while the other is saying it is a magic potion that he should avoid in the future.  No matter the reason, he is satisfied and life again is as good as it gets.

Again I thank you Right Hand Man!  Says Sir Butt.  Do you make this ail yourself or does someone else make it for you?  Asks Sir Butt.  It’s a combination of the two.  Answers Right Hand Man.  A good friend makes a part of it, and I add that to my part of it.  Together it turns out quite delicious if I do say so myself, which I just did.  The two parts compliment themselves into a fine mix of delightful pleasure and thirst quenching qualities that can only be found in this ail alone.  None other like it anywhere in Common Ground.  I know this for a fact because I have tasted ALL of the other ails in Common Ground and this one is the only one of its kind.  Boasts Right Hand Man.  Well it certainly does quench ones thirst and it certainly brings a delightful pleasure in partaking of it.  I would like to know what the ingredients are for my own knowledge.  Says Sir Butt.  I am willing to tell you what is in my part of it, Sir Butt, but I can not tell you what is in the other part, because I don’t know!  Answers Right Hand Man.  I should like to know what is in your part.  Says Sir Butt.  That is easy.  Says Right Hand Man.  It’s the water!  Plain and simple.  But it’s the water that only comes from the spring in Metalurgy.  Responds Right Hand Man.  Well, well.  Says Sir Butt.  Is the person that makes the other part living in Metalurgy at this time?  Asks Sir Butt.  Yes she is!  Answers Right Hand Man.  Very Well.  Said Sir Butt.

By the way Right Hand Man, you said once that you were from Metalurgy yourself.  Is that true?  Says and asks Sir Butt.  Right you are.  Responds Right Hand Man.  Continuing he adds;  As you know, Sir Butt, there are only two ways to get inside the walls surrounding Metalurgy.  One is to be born within its boundaries and the other is by special invitation.  The special invitation was how you yourself was allowed inside the walls.  How do you know I was ever inside the walls of Metalurgy, Right Hand Man?  Asks Sir Butt.  Ha!  Ha!  Laughs Right Hand Man with a large grin.  It was I that was the final convincing person stating that you should be invited into the city.  You see, I was a part of a very special team of men extracting the metal from the rock found in the mine there.  This special rock is known to contain some of the most precious metal in all of Common Ground.  Even more special than most of the metal found in Metalurgy’s mine which is of the finest quality, but this is even of finer quality.  Answers Right Hand Man.  But my invitation was from the owner of Metalurgy.  Says Sir Butt.  Yes, it was his hand writing on the invitation, but it was from our special team that we convinced him you needed to be invited inside the walls.  Responded Right Hand Man.  It was from my insistent urging that he was finally convinced.  Infact I was so insistent with my urging that they created a new decree and gave that special decree to me, naming me a “Metal Urgist” and they then allowed me to leave Metalurgy on my own accord.  I can come and go as I please.  And that is how I come to this place.  Answered Right Hand Man with a long breath.

Sir Butt now has the answer to his questions about Right Hand Man! (13)

Sir Butt is Beside Himself Again

Sir Butt has learned the lesson of Right Hand Man and has the answers to his questions resolved.  He is relaxed once again and all confident that he is all knowledgeable.  He knows all!  Still inquisitive about the invitation he received from the owner of the Metalurgy mine however, and so he continues to converse with Right Hand Man about the event.

Tell me Right Hand Man.  States Sir Butt.  What was the special team all about that you were a part of?  He asks.  Right Hand Man begins his answer:  We had discovered a vein of metal like none other in the mine.  The metal that was extracted was ten fold harder than the metal from the other portion of the mine.  We had to develop a way to extract it from the mine, smitten it, melt it down and then make items from it.  It took us several eons to do this, but when we were done, we had just enough to make the sword that you have on your side.  He said.  Do you mean to tell me this sword I call Cash is made from that special metal and that it is the only one of its kind?  Asked Sir butt.  Yes it is!  And it took the team of us quite some time to get it into the shape it is and to fine hone the edge.  There is nothing in Common Ground that can dull its sharp edge.  Explained Right Hand Man.  Continuing, he said, Once we had the sword made we knew that it should be presented to the best of the best!  The dragon slayer of dragon slayers.  And that you were the only one fitting that description.  We knew that if you came into Metalurgy and visited that we could present that sword to you and it would make you the proudest man in all of Common Ground.  And that because you are not a selfish man, you would do even more to make this land safer for the travelers.  And I am here to witness your battle yesterday with that fact, and concur without a shadow of doubt that we chose the right man for the receipt of that sword.

Holy Chit!  You are about to make tears come from my eyes.  Said Sir Butt.  But then, why should I think I am not worthy?  I am the most worthy of all!  I am the bravest of the brave!  The dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and this sword I call Cash makes me even more deserving to be called such!  I AM THE ALL KNOWING!  Continued Sir Butt.

And I might add, Sir Butt.  Interrupted Lucky Man.  I too witnessed before the eyes of the Almighty, your skills at handling that fine, one of a kind, sword you call Cash!  A finer show of gallantry has never and will never be seen again.  The ever sharp keen edge of Cash severed those three heads as if the heads were not even attached to that dragons body.  Something was as brave as well, to charge head long into the face of a possible melt down.  The unmistakable skills you portrayed were unmatched beyond belief. How right you are, how right you are!  Exclaimed Sir Butt, adding, You know men, the accolades are nice, but wouldn’t it save time if you just threw money instead?  (14)

Sir Butt Realizes another UNKNOWN

The three travelers, Sir Butt, Lucky Man and Right Hand Man continue their journey to their destination, Point B.  How much farther is Point B?  Asks Sir Butt.  Not too far now.  Just over there.  Says Lucky Man with a point in the direction and a very low arc.  I see.  Said Sir Butt.  One more night stay on the trail and by evening next, we should be arriving.  He added.  Yes, you are correct.  Replied Lucky Man.

Later that evening as they lay with their heads on their skivvy bags trying to sleep, Sir Butt realizes one more time that he does not know everything.  This time he is not so bothered by it and is able to finally go to sleep.  The next morning it is the first thing on his mind.  He mulls the question in his mind, without letting the others know he is being bothered by his own thoughts.  Conversations continue as would normally happen as they eat and prepare to mount up for the last leg of their destination to Point B.

Good morning!  Says Sir Butt to the other two.  Good morning!  The others say one at a time.  Would anyone care for some blood pudding jerky?  Asks Sir Butt.  Not I.  Said Right Hand Man.  Would you care for some of my hard roll raisin dungeon bread?  He adds.  HMMM!  Says Sir Butt, I have heard that is quite good.  Oh yes, it is very good.  Adds Right Hand Man.  I’ll take some of your Jerky.  Says Lucky Man.  And Sir Butt gives him a large chunk.  Meanwhile, Right Hand Man is slicing off a piece of his dungeon bread for Sir Butt.  Handing him the bread, Sir Butt says, Thank you!  Enjoy it Sir Butt.  Says Right Hand Man, then continues, you are very welcome my friend.  They are all munching away on their selected breakfast items and slugging down hot lamb broth that was prepared when they first got awake.  This bread is very delicious Right Hand Man.  Says Sir Butt.  I knew you would like it if you ever tasted it.  Responded Right Hand Man.  I have known about the making of such bread, but until now had never had the opportunity to partake of it.  Said Sir Butt.  It goes very well with the lamb broth as well.  He added.  Indeed it does.  Responded Right Hand Man.

Soon they were finished with their breakfast and were sitting upon their respective steeds.  Whom would like to lead the way?  Asks Sir Butt.  I shall lead this final leg of our journey.  Responded Lucky Man in a hurried voice.  And they commenced to travel.  Sir Butt and Right Hand Man are riding side by side, with of course Right Hand Man on Sir Butts right side.  Sir Butt brings up the subject of the ail he drank the day before.

That was some pretty good ail you gave me yesterday.  Said Sir Butt.  I’m glad you liked it Sir Butt and if I had more it would be a pleasure to grant you another taste, but that was the last of the lot I brought on this journey with me.  Responded Right Hand Man.  Tell me again about the part that someone else makes and you add your special water to.  Inquisitively says Sir Butt.  Well sir, it is like I said before.  Started Right Hand Man.  I get that part from my friend and then I add just the right amount of the special water that is only found in Melalurgy.  I do not know what is in the part she supplies me, all I know is it sure makes the ail taste good and with a bit of a buzz I might add.  An absolute buzz for certain my man.  Said Sir Butt with a grin.  Do you think your friend would share her secret with me?  Asked Sir Butt.  I don’t rightly know Sir Butt, said Right Hand Man, but if you are ever in Metalurgy, please look me up and we will go over to her place and I will introduce you to her.  She is quite a beautiful young wench and never been married.  I will do that.  Said Sir Butt.

Sir Butt must know what is in the part that Right Hand Man adds the water to.  Without the knowledge of what is in it, he DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!  And of course this bothers him some.  He isn’t really taken aback by the lack of knowledge of such as this, but if someone ever asks him if he knows everything he will have to say NO!  And that is what REALLY bothers Sir Butt.  Afterall, he is the ALL KNOWLEGEABLE ONE.  Not the ALMOST all knowledgeable one.   What Sir Butt fails to recognize is the fact that as time goes on, he is losing ground by leaps and bounds on knowing EVERYTHING.  People are inventing things as we speak and he does not know about those things.  After all, he did not know of the special metal found in the Metalurgy mines!  But did that bother him?  Not in the least, because he did not know about it and he still boasted all about the land that he was the ALL KNOWLEGEABLE ONE!  No body REALLY cares, except he himself.  Do YOU care?  Of course not!  Me neither!  But on with the story.


Point B is reached

Late in the afternoon of this traveling day they could see the village ahead which is their destination.  They have finally reached their Point B!  They are very much relieved.  Especially Lucky Man!  They enter the village and Sir Butt and Right Hand Man proceed directly to the tavern.  The tavern happens to be in the exact center of the village.  And you might want to note this in case of a test, the taverns are always in the center of every village in all of Common Ground.  After all, it is the meeting place of all the fine gentlemen and wenches and ladies that inhabit the village.  If it weren’t in the center of the village some folks living on the edge would have to walk or ride farther than the ones living on the other edge.  Anyone should be able to see the unfairness of that arrangement.

As the two approach the tavern, Lucky Man is going on down the trail through the center of the village.  Lucky Man!  Yells out Sir Butt.  Drinks are on me!  Sir Butt!  Yells back Lucky Man.  My home is in this village, and I have been away from my woman for many months.  I believe this is Lucky Man’s Lucky Day!  And he continues to ride off toward his home.

Well, Lucky Man most certainly should get lucky tonight.  Said Right Hand Man.  Right O.  Said Sir Butt.  As for us, let me buy you a drink!  Continued Sir Butt.  At your pleasure Sir Butt.  Responded Right Hand Man.

Inside the tavern there were many, many folks from the village.  The two men were greeted heartedly by all the folks there and everyone was happy and talking and having a good old time indeed.  Sir Butt and Right Hand Man stepped to the bar and were served a most excellent grog mug of ail!  They toasted the event and chugged down the drink!  It was good and they smiled as they lowered the empty mugs and asked for another!  That is pretty good ail there Right Hand Man.  Said Sir Butt, and then added, But nothing compared to yours!  It sure makes the dust settle in a mans throat after a long day of traveling.  Said Right Hand Man.  It certainly does.  Replied Sir Butt.  And they slugged down that mug of ail almost as fast as the first one.  MMMMMM!

Well from an outsiders perspective the two of them are pitching down those ails one after another with each one getting a little slower to go down than the one before it.  And the one after is a bit slower than the one that was just been drank.  And this goes on and on for several hours.  Pretty soon the two are leaning hard against the bar just holding onto the handle of the mug and sipping once in a great while.

Well!  Said Sir Butt in a bit of a slurred voice.  I must tell you of my observation just now.  He added and then turned slightly toward Right Hand Man.  Right Hand Man turns slightly toward Sir Butt so as the two can make eye contact.  Right Hand Man knows that Sir Butt is about to embellish him with some vast knowledge of his and he does not want to miss out on the lesson.  Right Hand Man staggers a bit backward as he turns but manages to catch himself with the hand that does not hold the mug.

What I have observed my dear Right Hand Man is this.  Exclaims Sir Butt and he goes on.  We came in here and got ourselves a really nice mug of ail and drank it very fast and it was good and it settled the dust.  Then we got ourselves another and drank it down almost as quickly as the first one and it too was good and it washed down more dust.  Then we had the man get us a third mug of ail and we drank it down, but it was drank much slower than the first two.  While we drank that we had ourselves a little conversation.  Then we ordered up another.  This one took longer yet to drink and we engaged in even more conversation than before.  Well, now look at us.  We are doing much more talking than we are drinking.  Let me ask you Right Hand Man.  Can you pinpoint what my point is with all of this?  HMMM?

Right Hand Man puts down his mug and rubs his forehead with the hand that held the mug.  Still holding onto the bar with the other hand so as not to fall.  No sir.  Said Right Hand Man, I can not think of what your point is with this Sir Butt.

Well, let me tell you Right Hand Man, said Sir Butt , and he went on,  It is what I call the Law of Diminishing Returns.  The Law of what?  Asked Right Hand Man.  The Law of Diminishing Returns.  Sir Butt explained.  Let me show you how it works.  We drank ail and it was very good.  Then we dank more ail and it was good, but not very good.  Then we drank ail and it too was good but not as good as good nor as good as very good.  Then we drank more ail and it too was good, but not as good as good or good or good or very good.  And finally we dank more ail and it still is good, because it is still in our mugs, but it’s not as good as good or good or good or good or very good.  Now is it?

Oh yes, I see your point exactly Sir Butt.  Responded Right Hand Man.  You are certainly a wealth of knowledge.  Do you make these things up Sir Butt?

I just put things into perspective my dear friend Right Hand Man!  Said Sir Butt.  The more you get to know me the more you will understand that my brain is working constantly and very seldom slows to rest.  He added.  Should we look at the converse side of this conversation about the Law of Diminishing Returns?  What do you mean sir?  Asked Right Hand Man.  I mean, if our drinking of ail was all about the Law of Diminishing Returns, then our increasing conversation between drinking mugs of ail, must have an equal and opposite law, should it not, Right Hand Man?  Explained Sir Butt.  I suppose so.  Said Right Hand Man, stumbling back and then catching himself with his hand again.  Sir Butt, let’s just call it the Law of Increasing conversation, because I’m not getting much of a return on it.  Exclaimed Right Hand Man, who suddenly releases his grip on the bar and passes out on the floor.  Ok.  Says Sir Butt to himself and he turns and orders up another ail while he waits for his friend to wake up. How would you like a friend like Sir Butt?   (16)

Wenches abound

With Sir Butt standing alone at the bar and his friend Right Hand Man down and out on the floor, Sir Butt suddenly finds himself surrounded by beautiful wenches.  They are all touching his large muscular forearms and his broad shoulders.  One even touched his Cash and another asked about his Account.  Of course being the gentleman he is, he ordered them all up a mug of ail.  One did not want the ail, but asked if he would get her a large pickle from the jar behind the bar.  Of which he obliged quite willingly. She was the prettiest of the wenches, in his humble opinion.  He noticed how she would look him in the eye as she placed the pickle in her mouth and carefully bit down on it.  It took her a long time to finally eat it and he thought that to be quite strange indeed.  After all a pickle is a pickle is a pickle, just eat it for heavens sake.

His friend was groaning and finally waking up from his nap.  Sitting on the floor looking up at Sir Butt and his harem of wenches, he quickly rose and grasped the bar.  Smiling ever so intently at the wenches and eyeing each one up and down making sure he was seeing what he thought he was seeing.  Which of course he was seeing what he was seeing because he was seeing.  His mind was still numb from the law of whatever conversation that had preceded his nap and he was unable to converse with the wenches.  This made him uneasy and so he excused himself to the loft where the horses had been tethered.  Sir Butt stayed with the wenches.

A chicken crowed right above their heads early the next morning and both men awoke with a start.  What in heavens name was that?  Asked Sir Butt in a loud voice.  Keep the noise down, Sir Butt, my head is killing me.  Said Right Hand Man.  My head is killing me too.  Explained Sir Butt.  What a lovely village this is.  He added.  What do you mean by that?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Well, after you left and came to the loft here, the man behind the bar told me that all of the drinks we had partaken of and even the pickle given to one of the wenches was on the house!  Said Sir Butt.  Wow.  Why was that?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Because word had gotten to the village that we had slain the three headed fire breathing dragon in the Narrows and that made it a safe trail for travelers to use.  He explained that by opening up that trail, it created a short cut to nearly all of the other half of Common Ground and the people of the village wanted to show how much they appreciated us.  Exclaimed Sir Butt in detail.  What about the wenches Sir Butt?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Don’t you remember, you romantic devil you?  Said Sir Butt.  No!  Cried Right Hand Man and he put his head in both of his hands and wept.  (17)

Off to Point B,  Metalurgy

Several days pass as the two enjoy their stay in the village.  The people of the village continue to patronage them and their success in slaying the dragon down in the Narrows.  They held celebration after celebration and could not hear about how Sir Butt Slayed the dragon enough.  Lucky Man and Right Hand Man did all the talking and the people would cheer and cheer loudly and some even threw money at Sir Butts feet.  Sir Butt loved that part of it and he would swell up his chest and even draw Cash out of his Account and wave it about.  All in all it was a sight of sights and it could not have happened to three nicer men in all the land.  Of course Sir Butt explained the other two’s important role in defeating the fire breathing beast and that spurred the two of them into telling the tale to an even greater magnitude than it already was.

Early on the fifth day, Sir Butt arose and said it was time for him to go.  He explained to Right Hand Man that his next Point B was to be Metalurgy.  Right Hand Man was also thinking that Metalurgy would be his next Point B as well and the two of them decided that they would travel together.  A good idea, especially on the part of Right Hand Man, who did not have any means to defend himself, should the need arise.  They mounted their steeds and slipped out of Point A and on their way to Point B .  The night before, Sir Butt had told Lucky Man, that he planned on  leaving on the next morning and to thank the village people for their extreme hospitality and that he would never forget them as long as he lives.  Of course Lucky Man told the village people how grateful Sir Butt and Right Hand Man were to be treated like the best of the best that they were.

Metalurgy was quite some distance from Point A but it gave the two men time to really get to know each other.  You see, Sir Butt and Right Hand Man had only known each other for a few weeks.  As they traveled, however, their friendship became very strong indeed.  They had a lot in common in Common Ground.  They knew a lot of the same people, especially in the village of Metalurgy.  But they also knew scholars and trainers in other facets of their lives.

Riding along conversing about who knows what, Sir Butt suddenly throws up his right  hand in front of Right Hand Man, who has become accustomed to riding on Sir Butt’s  right side.  Halt!  Says Sir Butt in a rather low but firm voice.  Something is sensing danger and is shrinking.  He continued.  As he pulls back the reigns of Something.  They set on their steeds looking around for anything out of the ordinary.  Nothing do they see.  Sir Butt does not say anything, but he slightly heels Something and they begin to ride forward.  Right Hand Man stays back  about 10 feet and the two continue to travel along the trail at a slow pace.  Something is telling Sir Butt that there is some sort of danger in the trail, but he does not shrink like he did in the Narrows.  This is danger alright, but not like a three headed fire breathing dragon kind of danger.

Suddenly behind him Sir Butt hears Right Hand Man cry out in pain!  OUCH!  OUCH!  Sir Butt grabs for Cash and spins Something on a farthing expecting to face whatever was getting Right Hand Man.  What he sees is a very large gathering of Minute dragons dancing and biting at Right Hand Man and his steed.  The man and his steed are jumping left and right, up and down and Right Hand Man is yelling and trying to kick and hit the beasts with his boots and hands.  They have him out numbered by hundreds and  Sir Butt knows they need to get down the trail at a gallop most hurriedly now.

Sir Butt cries out to Right Hand Man, Heel your steed!  Heel your steed!  Down the trail!  We must get out of here now!  Go Right Hand Man!  And Right Hand Man hears what Sir Butt is yelling and he heels his steed and lays low against its neck and down the trail they go passing Sir Butt and Something as they go.  Sir Butt spins Something and heels his flanks and they too go galloping down the trail as fast as Something can go.  Behind them in the chase are hundreds of Minute dragons trying to catch up to them, but the steeds are much faster and the two men  on their steeds are miles ahead of the dragons when the dragons give up the chase.

They have given up the chase Right Hand Man!  Yells Sir Butt,  They have stopped chasing us!  You can reign in now!  Sir Butt yelled again.  And at that Right Hand Man pulls back on the reigns a bit and his steed begins to slow.  They travel quite some distance before Right Hand Man actually brings his steed to a halt and Sir Butt catches up to him.  Along side of Right Hand Man, Sir Butt looks at him and sees trickles of blood coming from his legs, arms, chest, back and neck.  Those little critters really got you didn’t they?  Said Sir Butt in an asking sort of way.  I could not believe how they were attacking me from all sides, top and bottom!  Said Right Hand Man.  That was the first time I have ever been attacked like that in my lifetime.  Added Right Hand Man.  I have had a couple encounters with them in my past ,but not like that.  We must have been close to their den.  He continued.  I suspect you are right about that, Right Hand Man.  Said Sir Butt.  We must tend to your wounds so that infection does not set in.  You have enough bites to be of much concern.  He continued.

What about the steed?  Minute dragons can not bite through hide as thick as a steed’s hide.  Only thin skinned animals and man.  Remember this fact, it might just be on your next test.

They settled in for the night along side the trail in a nice safe place out of view of anyone else traveling the trail.  Minute dragons are the only dragons that Sir Butt can not fight and win.  They swarm over their victims and bite and bite.  They are not big enough to stick with a sword and a boot and or a hand is about all that can smash them.  They are fragile little creatures and more of a pest than a big problem, but if enough of them bite you it can cause death.  Such is almost the case with Right Hand Man.

Sir Butt extracted medication from the foliage of the vines hanging around their camp and plastered each of the wounds on Right Hand Man with it.   Right Hand Man was grateful and  told Sir Butt he was.  And then he fell asleep.  The poison from the bites makes the victim tired.  Sir Butt tended to Right Hand Man all through the night and did not get any sleep himself, but when Right Hand Man awoke  the swelling in the bites had gone down to nearly nothing.  The pain has subsided to a dull ache and he felt hungry.  Another of the traits of the bites.  Sir Butt fed him Jerky and some of Right Hand Mans own bread.  He felt good enough to ride after a few hours.  We must go on our way, Sir Butt.  Said Right Hand Man.  I can not thank you enough for taking care of me like you did.  He continued and then he said, I owe you one Sir Butt.  It was nothing, Right Hand Man.  Said Sir Butt, You would have done the same for me.  I know nothing about medicines, Sir Butt.  Said Right Hand Man, I am not all knowledgeable like you are.  Let us go.  Said Sir Butt.  And at that they mounted their steeds and began slowly up the trail to their Point B.

How are you feeling now?  Asked Sir Butt, after about an hour of riding.  I have a few aches, but other than that the swelling is gone.  Replied Right Hand Man.  Good!  Said Sir Butt.  I think it is time I took a short nap as we ride.  Something will keep in the trail along side your steed.  There is no need to worry about him.  Continued Sir Butt and then he fell to sleep.

As they rode along, Right Hand Man had a lot to think about.  To arrive back at Metalurgy would be good for him.  He had been away for quite some time since being given the papers saying he was a Metal Urgist and then given the key to the gate outside.  It would be good to see the people from that village again.  His thoughts were on the young wench whom he received his ail portions from and how good she really looks.  It will be nice to see her again and of course to introduce her to Sir Butt and that maybe she will share her secret ingredients with.  He made his mind up he will do all he can to convince her to share the secret with Sir Butt.  After all he OWED Sir Butt for the care he gave him last night.

It was not long before Sir Butt woke and started looking around to make sure he knew where they were.  It’s been a very long time since I was in this part of Common Ground, my friend.  Said Sir Butt.  It’s quite a pretty place.  Said Right Hand Man.  Yes it is.  Replied Sir Butt.  There are no dragons living here.  Stated Sir Butt.  How do you know that?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Because dragons like deep grasses and under growth, rock outcroppings and deep dark stinking places like the Narrows.  This place has none of that.  Said Sir Butt.  This place would make a man a very nice place to live.  Said Sir Butt.  But villages are the place to live.  Replied Right Hand Man.  There are no places out here to purchase goods and ail.  He added.  You are so right.  Said Sir Butt.  But, the quiet and solitude of this place is appealing to me.  He added.  Not for me.  Exclaimed Right Hand Man.  I need wenches and ail.  Good food, entertainment and merriment.  He went on.  A solidtudinal life is not for me Sir Butt.  It takes all kinds to make up this here Common Ground my friend Right Hand Man, all kinds.  Responded Sir Butt.  Sir Butt, let me ask you, have you ever seen a solidtudinal man living away from a village, while you have been out and about in your travels through Common Ground?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Never!  Answered Sir Butt.  Then, why would you wish that upon yourself?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Perhaps my intent would be to begin the growing of another village.  Answered Sir Butt,  and he continued.  I could build up a village much like that of Metalurgy and only allow my friends in to visit and to build themselves homes and businesses.   I see.  Said Right Hand Man.  And what would you call your village, Sir Butt?  He asked.  I have not thought of that before, Right Hand Man, but since you asked, perhaps I would call the village Sir Buttville, and I would live in a large home I would call Buttingham Palace!  It has a nice ring to it don’t you think?  Answered Sir Butt.  It does have a nice ring to it Sir Butt, a very nice ring to it.  Replied Right Hand Man.

And on they rode until nearly dark.  (18)

Almost to Point B, Metalurgy

After a few days travel, they realize they are getting quite close to their Point B.  Again Sir Butt reminds himself of why he is going there.  His knowledge of what is in the part that makes Right Hand Mans ail so very good is hanging in the balance.  He must know the ingredients.  Sir Butt turns slightly toward Right Hand Man, so he can look him in the eye, and asks.  Do you honestly think the maiden from whom you get the part from for your ail, will tell me the ingredients?  Well Sir, we can only ask and hope she will divulge it.  Replied Right Hand Man.  And what if she won’t?  Asked Sir Butt.  HMMMM.  Began Right Hand Man.  I am not entirely sure what we could do.  We are a civil people and so it would not be good to put her on a stretching rack to make her talk.  Nor would it be good to punish her in any way atol as I see it.  So it all boils down to her willingness.  If she does not want us to know, she will say so and that will be all there is to it.  You said she was not married, did you not Right Hand Man?  Asked Sir Butt.  That is correct Sir Butt.  Answered Right Hand Man.  Let us suppose she were to marry.  Said Sir Butt, She would most likely allow her husband to know the secret do you not think Right Hand Man?  Perhaps.  Responded Right Hand Man, But I do not know if she would even allow her husband to know the ingredients.  She is a very head strong young woman and that is one reason she has not married.  He continued.  Why it was not long ago, she was asked to go into another village where she was to meet a gentleman that just might take her hand.  But there was a tift between her and him after the very first night they met and she came storming back to Metalurgy vowing never to leave the confines of the village again.  To say the least she was VERY Angry!  (He continued with a smile on his face).  Almost to the point of being funny.  She was throwing things and kicking dust and cussing like I have not even heard the hardest of the wenches in any village cuss.  Everyone in Metalurgy was talking about her and her bout of fit.  And I might add it went on for a long time.  It sounds like some lad tried to take advantage of her.  Replied Sir Butt.  I do not know.  Said Right Hand Man.  But if I was that young lad I sure as heck would not let her see MY face again as long as I lived.  I’m afraid Common Ground might have its first beheading of a man, right then and there!  Said Right Hand Man.  That is sort of funny, Right Hand Man.  Said Sir Butt.  I can not think of anything that would make a maiden that mad at someone.  He went on.  (19)

Arriving in Metalurgy, Point B is reached

Halt at the gate!  Cries out the gate watcher.  And the two halt their advance.  Who goes there?  Again cries the gate watcher.  It is I Right Hand Man and my friend here is Sir Butt.  Yelled back Right Hand Man.  Just a moment while I check the ledger for your names, it will only take a moment.  The names are in alphabetical order.  Yelled the gate watcher.  A few moments pass and then the gate watcher comes toward the two with a ledger in his hand.  I see Sir Butt on the ledger and Sir Butt you may enter at your pleasure.  But as for you Right Hand Man, your name is NOT on the ledger and I must have you turn your steed around and undarken the path into our village.  This place is only for persons who live here, were born here or have been invited to be here by the owner of the mine within the boundaries of this wall. The gate watcher said.  But I live here and I was born here.  Replied Right Hand Man with a disgust to his voice.  You sir are violating the standards by which the village of Metalurgy exists my good man, and if you do not wish to be tethered to that tree behind you, you will remove your steed and yourself from this property immediately!  Responded the gate watcher.  And then the gate watcher yelled for the mounted guards just behind the wall, to come forward!

Suddenly 15 mounted and heavily armored men  came through the gate and towards Sir Butt and Right Hand Man.  Sir Butt, said to Right Hand Man.  Perhaps I should leave now.  And Right Hand Man just sat there wondering what in the heavens sake was happening and why his name was not on the ledger.

The armed men surrounded the two travelers.  Each armed man had a sword in his hands that glistened in the sun.  Each of them were fully clothed in armor from their heads to their feet.  Each of them had a steed that stood 20 hands tall and were well exercised.  This did not look good for Right Hand Man.  The man in charge of these 15 mounted men asked the gate watcher what the trouble was.  He responded by saying:  This mans name is on the ledger and may proceed inside the gate to Metalurgy.  And he pointed to Sir Butt.  This mans name is NOT on the ledger and he refuses to leave these premises.  And he points to Right Hand Man.  The man in charge looks at Sir Butt and says, You may enter!  And motions Sir Butt to move along.   Sir Butt begins to move but then stops and turns around to see what will happen to Right Hand Man.  Did he not say he was from Metalurgy and did he not say he was honored with a paper granting him a Metal urgy reward.  And did he not say he knew others within the boundaries of Metalurgy?  Sir Butt believes that Right Hand Man was in fact born within these boundaries and was raised to work in the mine and was on a special committee to decide on the doings of a special metal they found in the mine.  Sir Butt believes all of this with all of his heart and NOW it looks as if Right Hand Man is about to be dismembered from head to toe and tossed out into the brush for the vultures.

The man in charge of the 15 armored men looked into Right Hand Mans eyes with a glare that would stop a charging dragon and said in a low and commanding voice.  YOU SIR have been asked to leave and YOU SIR have chosen to stay and now it is my task to dismount you from your steed with the swiftness of 15 swords and let the big chunks fall where they may.  Right Hand Man has every right to be sweating profusely as this man speaks.  He is about to be struck down by 15 huge men on 15 huge steeds and he is trying his best to not faint right on the spot.

Suddenly Right Hand Man yells out.  AL EX!  My name on the ledger is AL EX!!  And he continued…I received the name of Right Hand Man while on the trail and this man (pointing to Sir Butt) gave me the name of Right Hand Man.  I have gotten so used to it, I forgot my old name was Al Ex!  Please check the ledger for Al EX!!!!!  The gate watcher shuffles the pages of the ledger and sure enough there is Al Ex listed on the page.  He exclaims, Here it is, plain as plain.  Al Ex.  Just as he says.   But wait!  Commands the man in charge of the 15 armored men.  How can we be certain this man did not make up a name of someone he knows has his name on the ledger and is just making it up?  Hold your steeds mister man in charge!  Said Right Hand Man.  I have papers to prove I am Al Ex.  And he rifles through his saddle pouch and finds the papers signed by the mine owner granting him his certificate of Metal Urgy.  He hands it to the gate watcher, who looks at it and then hands it up to the man in charge of the 15 armored men.  The man in charge of the 15 armored men, hands the paper back to Right Hand Man and says.  I’d get the name on that paper changed as soon as I could.   Do you realize just how close you came to becoming a pile of bile on the ground under your steeds feet?  Do you realize all I had to do was drop my left  hand down and 14 swards would have taken you off of that steed with 14 swipes?  You sir are a Lucky Man!  Actually.  Said Right Hand Man.  Lucky Man is back at his home at our Point A.  OOOOOOOOOOO!  Said the man in charge of the 15 men.  Let’s go men!  Dang it!  I thought this time we were going to get to use the swords we were issued back in….gees…I can’t even remember back that long ago.

And Sir Butt and Right Hand Man were allowed to enter into the walls of Metalury. (20)

Inside the walls at long last

That was a very disturbing thing to go through Sir Butt.  Said Right Hand Man.  It was indeed Right Hand Man.  I thought for certain those 15 men were going to slice you into 15 parts right there on the spot.  Replied Sir Butt.  Did you see me sweating?  Asked Right Hand Man.  I did not, but I can imagine.  Said Sir Butt.  I’m glad you thought about the name you were known by when you left this place last.  He continued.  Who would have thought I would not have thought about my name like that?  Asked Right Hand Man.  He went on to say; I have just gotten so used to my new name that the old name was almost totally forgotten.  Until of course I was faced with sure slicedom.  Let’s venture to the tavern and have an ail.  I have sweat way too much of late.

And they traveled into the center of Metalurgy where the tavern is located.  Remember that the tavern is in the center of every village, to accommodate equal staggering home for all the residence.  Reaching the tavern the two travelers dismount and tether their steeds near by.  Watch out, Sir Butt!  Exclaimed Right Hand Man.  You almost stepped in that pile of horse do.  YO!  That was close.  Said a leaping Sir Butt.  Thanks for the warning.  He continued.

Walking inside the tavern they notice the place is fully loaded with villagers.    They stand at the bar and order an ail .  Sipping on the ail, Sir Butt says;  This ail is very good!  How do they chill it?  He asked.  There is a spring that flows under the tavern and on out past the wall and down into the valley.  Answered Right Hand Man.  They place the kegs of ail into the flowing water and it chills it down in a matter of minutes.  Again Sir Butt asks, I have never seen such a way to pour ail.  How is that done?  Do you mean that he only has to place the mug under that spigot and out pours the ail?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Yes!  He places the mug under that hosey thingy and pinches  the hosey thingy and out pours ail.  When he releases the hosey thingy the ail stops flowing.  I never would have imagined.  Said Sir Butt.  Oh, the things we learn, Sir Butt.  Said Right Hand Man.  Going on to explain just what Sir Butt was seeing.  Sir Butt, that spring flow I told you about that runs under the tavern, well it begins high up on the mountain and flows until it reaches a large lake in the valley.  The kegs of ail are placed in the stream about 200 yards up the hill from the tavern.  There is a large shed built over the stream at that point and the kegs are all placed in the stream inside that shed.  Each keg is attached to the other in a straight line down the stream and between each keg is a hose connecting one keg to the other in a series.  And then a very long hose is directed into the tavern and culminates at that spigot.  Gravity causes the ail to flow down that hose and when the man squeezes the hose it allows the ail to continue its journey into the mug.  Quite simple and very effective I might add.  Replied Right Hand Man with some degree of confidence.  Well I’ll be a dumb founded fool.  Said Sir Butt.  And who came up with such a clever idea as that?  He asked.  When I was but a child I played in the cold stream up on that mountain and I began to notice that the stream flowed in only one direction.  Began Right Hand Man.  And I also noticed that if I rolled a rock down the mountain it too rolled in only one direction and that happened to be the same direction as the stream flowed.  Deducing that there must be some kind of natural phenomena going on to cause such things, I presented to the council that they could save a lot of time not having to lift kegs of ail up and pouring it into a mug, if they would place the keg up above the mug and just opening a spigot to allow the ail to flow out.  They did and everyone was amazed.  It was next that I suggested they put the keg in the stream above the tavern and allow it to cool before they lift if up and so forth.  Next, I invented the hose and suggested they place the hose on the end of the spigot of the keg in the stream and extend that hose into the tavern where another spigot was attached for ease in getting the ail into the mug.  Long windely Right Hand Man explained.  And you were just a wee lad at that time in your life?  Asked Sir Butt.  Yes I was.  Said Right Hand Man. Perhaps about 4 years of age at the time.  What on Common Ground made you consider anything to do with ail?  Asked Sir Butt as he ordered them another mug of ail.  My mother.  Replied Right Hand Man.  You see she was eying this man who frequented this tavern after my father passed.  He was a nice enough man, but my mother wished he would spend more time with her and less time in here.  So, in order for him to get his supply of ail inside him and get home to her, I knew I had to speed up the process of getting ail into the mugs.  This idea worked well and has been employed ever since.  Responded Right Hand Man.  Clever indeed!  Exclaimed Sir Butt.  Clever indeed. (21)

Another realization hits Sir Butt

Sir Butt is thinking “again”.  This time about what Right Hand Man just told him about the invention of his to get ail chilled and into the mugs without having to lift the ail barrels and pouring the contents, or even lifting the barrels up onto the bar and using the spigot to fill the mug.  A very brilliant idea….but HE DID NOT KNOW THIS!    At least until just now!  Is Sir Butt missing out on very important facts and tidbits of trivia while he is traveling about Common Ground.  He has encountered several incidences of late that tell him he DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING.  Which also leads him to believe that perhaps knowing everything all the time may not be so important at this time as it had been in the past.  And so, he is convincing himself that to know everything, all the time, may just be an impossible undertaking, and to think he could do that makes him somewhat of a crazy lunatic.

He turns to Right Hand Man and says politely.  I did not know you invented such as that.  I tout myself as the ALL KNOWING one and for me to admit to you just now makes me think I might have to change my ways and not say I’m all knowing anymore.  Right Hand Man also politely says to Sir Butt.  One can say they are all knowing, such as you do, Sir Butt and still not know everything.  To say you are all knowing, is just a figure of speech.  After all, you do know a very lot, but you can not in all reality know everything. There are just too many things happening around Common Ground that you can not possibly know.  Everyone understands that.  Let us drink another ail and toast to “the all knowing Sir Butt” even though we both know Sir Butt does not know everything about everything.  And they do!

OK, Right Hand Man!  Said Sir Butt.  Now that I have a new attitude about my all knowing self.  I guess the reason I have come to Metalurgy was to meet this maiden you speak of and get the ingredients to her part of your ail.  The best ail I have ever tasted, mind you.  Do you think we could meet her soon?  He said and then asked.  Of course you will meet her shortly.  Said Right Hand Man.  She comes in here for a mug of ail every day about this time.  We shall stay right here until she comes in and when she has had her drink of ail, I will introduce you to her.  We must let her have her first mug of ail alone, because if we disturb her drinking that first mug, her attitude is not a good one.  He added.  I have never heard of a maiden having to have a mug of ail before anyone can talk to her before.  Said Sir Butt.  Another thing to add to my “I didn’t know list”.  He added.  Yes.  Responded Right Hand Man.  She makes it very clear to everyone in Metalurgy not to disturb her while she sips her first mug of ail.  It is her time to reflect back on a day when she met a very handsome man and was somehow made a fool of.  It scarred her deeply.  Once she is finished with that mug of ail, she welcomes friendly discussions with everyone and is quite a cheery and beautiful maiden.  Said he.  I think I here her horse outside as I speak.  Right Hand Man added.

The two men turn and look toward the door.  And in walked a most beautiful maiden indeed.  The tavern is somewhat dark inside and when entering from the sunny outside it takes a while for the eyes to adjust to the darkened room.  She stands just inside and waits until her eyes adjust before walking to the bar.  In the meanwhile the bartender pours her favorite mug of ail and sets it on the bar.  Nearly all the men in the tavern are looking at her.  She is very, very, very, very beautiful.  Did I say how pretty she was?

Sir Butt turns back and stares down toward the floor behind the bar.  He pulls his head into his neck and holds onto his mug with both hands wrapped around it like the mug might escape his grasp.  Right Hand Man feels Sir Butt make that move and he too turns toward the bar and looks upon the un-Sir Butt like figure next to him.  What is your matter, Sir Butt?  Asked Right Hand Man.  Do you not like to look at beautiful women?  He continued.  Are you not right in the head my good fellow?  Said he still.  Don’t tell me you are of the kind who is a man, but thinks like a woman would toward another man.  He egged.  Speak not such things about me, Right Hand Man.  Said Sir Butt.  I am a man of men and love wenches and beautiful women.  This beautiful woman and I have met before.  He continued.  You have?  Asked Right Hand Man.  When could you possibly have met her?  She lives here in Metalurgy and this is just your second visit here in your lifetime.  He asked and then said.  Well my good man.  Started Sir Butt.  Her name is Merrily Buxum.  Does that tell you anything?  WHOOAA!  Said Right Hand Man.  You HAVE met her.  Yes I have.  Said Sir Butt.  And when we departed she was not the merriest of Marrily Buxum I might add.  He continued and then continued some more.  I’m not sure it is a good idea that she sees me in here right now.  Oh, but you must meet her again and now is the perfect time for that, Sir Butt.  Said Right Hand Man.  She is just about finished with her ail.  He added.  Oh dear me.  Said Sir Butt.  I have an awful feeling about this meeting.  He continued.  My good man, Sir Butt.  Spoke Right Hand Man.  You are the all knowing, the bravest of the brave, the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers and you have week knees at this moment.  For heaven sake and for the good of all in Common Ground you must take control of your senses and become the chest heaved brave one that you are.  He stated boldly.  Now let us go and meet Merrily Buxom again, Sir Butt.  Right Hand Man added.  (22)

Sir Butt makes eye contact with Merrily Buxom

The last time Sir Butt saw Merrily Buxum, she was extremely mad at him!  He did not even stick around to hear the end of what she was saying because he knew she would continue calling him names and would go on probably forever and forever was too much time for him to be wasting.  He had to get down the trail to make a safe passage for his two friends Lucky Man and Right Hand Man.

Sir Butt is walking slowly behind Right Hand Man as they approach Merrily Buxum.  She can not see him behind Right Hand Man.  Right Hand Man said, Well Hello Merrily!  It’s been some time since I saw you last!  She looks up and smiles a big smile and says to him.  Well Hello Al Ex, it has been a long time!  I need to give you a hug.  And she threw her arms around his neck and pulled her small frame up to give him a peck on the neck and a big hug.  As she did, her eyes peered over Right Hand Man’s left shoulder and right then and there she saw Sir Butt standing.  Staring into his eyes as  she gave Right Hand Man a very big and long hug.  And then she slid down and placed her feet back on the ground.  Right Hand Man said to her, Merrily I would like to introduce you to Sir….But he never got the last word out before she started into a frantic “mad as a wet hen”, woman rave.  She began; Stop right there Al Ex, I know who this scoundrel of a man is behind your back.  And she started to move around Right Hand Man and toward Sir Butt.  Pointing her finger into his face, right between his eyes I might add.  This is the CAD I have been thinking about since I returned to Metalurgy several weeks ago.  This is the person who was so low as to leave me alone with tavern dwellers all night long while he went out to check on his horse.  This is the beast who slapped me without so much as touching me and who broke my spirit into a million pieces and has caused me heartache and  wrenching sleepless nights and long hours of crying.  This is the stench of a man who broke my trust in his very gender and made me who I have become today.  This is the wretched scum bag who can not be trusted by any person of the female gender and this is the un-caring of un-caring low life snake in the grass to whom I swore I would never lay my eyes upon again so long as I lived.

Her tone has now changed from one of anger and distaste to one of more of a general discussion voice.  This is the man who I swore I would never lay my eyes upon again.  She moved to the bar and leaned against it, her gaze now toward the floor.  She said,  But I have laid my eyes upon him.  My curse is broken, I feel like Merrily Buxom again.  Al Ex, please,  the two of you,  please join me for an ail.  And she motioned to the bar tender to bring three ails as she moved toward one of the tavern tables.  Everyone in the place was looking at them and wondering just what in the world of Common Ground was going on.  Why did she rant such a rant and then suddenly calm down and invite them to a table with her?

Merrily sat on one side and Right Hand Man slid across the bench seat and up against the wall.  Sir Butt stood by the table, but did not set down.  He began.  Merrily Buxum, if I may.  I deserve every distasteful thing you have said about my being.  I wronged you in every way possible.  How can I make it up to you?  How in Common Ground can I gain your trust again and make you feel like yourself again?  I had no idea that my going out to check on my horse, Something, would lead you to a life of misery.  I am truly sorry for putting you through such pain.  Please forgive me Merrily.  He is now on one knee, begging her for her forgiveness, his hand clutched and out in front of his chest.  His eyes gazing at her, while her eyes are affixed at the edge of the table across from herself.  She slowly turned and looked into his eyes, saying,  Sir Butt, if I were a man, I would punch you right now.  But I am not and I am a stately woman who knows what she wants.  I have been raised much better than to lower myself to that level of a savage.  Please now, be seated, we have caused enough of a scene.  Let us re-acquaint ourselves and discuss this in a civil manner.  Over ail, of course.

Sir Butt stands and then sits along side of Right Hand Man.  The bartender places the mugs of ail in front of each of them and then departs.  The table is silent as each takes a sip of ail.  As he places his mug on the table, Right Hand Man said to Merrily Buxum;  Merrily, my name has been changed from Al Ex to Right Hand Man.  Sir Butt did me the honors while myself and Lucky Man were traveling to our Point B a few weeks ago.  Oh, that is so very nice,  Al…I mean Right Hand Man.  She said, looking toward him.  I suppose I will hear the story about your travels one day, but for now, I must converse with Sir Butt.  Please stay seated, Right Hand Man, this will be civil.  She added, as her gaze turned to Sir Butt.

Sir Butt, she started, You are the very handsome man I remember.  How could I have ever gotten so angry at you?  It was all my fault.  You stepped out to check on Something and never returned.  I stayed because I thought you would be right back, but you did not return until the sun was rising.  I was watching over your sword and keeping the dwellers in the tavern from making off with it.  That is not a cause for such anger.  I was raised differently than that.  Will YOU forgive me?   Sir Butt looked astounded and replied.  But Merrily it was I who wronged you.  I went to the stable to check on Something and I passed out from drinking so very much merriment and having such an enjoyable time in your presence.   I was in the wrong and I beg of you to forgive ME!  No, it was my fault.  Merrily stated.  I was so selfish, I was only thinking of myself that morning.  Your closeness gave me feelings I have never felt before in my life and when you did not come back it crushed my being.  But then as the night went on, my anger grew inside of me, causing me to curse myself.  You could not have known.  It is not within a man to know such things.  She continued.  Sir Butt interrupted and said.  Merrily, let us call this blaming ourselves for the problem a draw.  Let us learn from this mistake and make a pact to never let anything like this come between us again.  Let us rejoice at our renewed friendship and let us partake of ail and merriment and begin anew.  Done!  Said Merrily.  And the three of them lifted their mugs of ail and toasted a new beginning.  Right Hand Man said aloud.  Merrily, I liked it a lot better when you were calling such a handsome man as Sir Butt,  a scoundrel and a snake in the grass.  I was beginning to think that maybe you would look at me in different eyes.  Actually, in eyes that I see you looking at Sir Butt with.  (23)

Sir Butt asks Merrily a very important question

The following day found the three of them back in the tavern.  Merrily was as happy and cheerful as she had ever been.  Sir Butt was joyous as well and Right Hand Man was glad for them both.  They ate a hearty breakfast and started to plan out their day.  Sir Butt asked Right Hand Man, if he would mind showing him the ail kegs in the stream and how his hose invention worked.  Right Hand Man agreed and Merrily would join them.

Up the hill trail they ventured to the shack that housed the kegs.  Opening the door, they saw four kegs laying in the stream end to end, connected with short hoses, just like Right Hand Man said they would find.  You know, started Sir Butt, this is a very clever idea you came up with Right Hand Man.  Chilled ail and the only real work to it is to get the kegs up to this place and get them connected together.  Yes, it is.  Replied Right Hand Man.  Sometimes I amaze myself at my abilities to think of such as this.  I understand totally.  Said Sir Butt.  I too amaze myself at my abilities to think of some of the things I come up with.  Merrily piped in.  You can sure come up with some big abilities, Sir Butt.  Ahhhguummm!  Sir Butt cleared this throat.  Your abilities are not so bad yourself, Merrily.  Said Sir Butt.  Do you two wish to be alone?  Asked Right Hand Man.  No.  No.  Said Sir Butt.  Tell us more about this system of chilling the ail.  Right Hand man then told them all about how the idea came about and why,  and why too he felt it necessary to get his mothers main man back into her arms etc, etc, etc.,  to the point of pure boredom and nausiousness.   But Sir Butt and Merrily did not care.  They were only partly listening to him ramble on as they stared into each others eyes.

Later, back at the tavern and over mugs of ail.  Sir Butt asked Merrily a very important question.  One that could change both of their lives forever.  What would be her answer?  What if her answer is not what Sir Butt wants to hear?  What would happen to them if she did not answer in a way that was favorable to Sir Butt?  Will she understand how devastating it would be if her answer is not what he expects?

Merrily.  Sir Butt begins.  You know that I am the dragon slayer of all dragon slayers.  The all knowledgeable  one.   I have the best of steed in all of Common Ground.  I am the bravest of the brave and my steed is right there with me.  I’m rather good looking too, I might add.  You know all of this about me do you not?  He asked.  Well. Said Merrily and then continued.  You tell me all of this and you say it so very often that I have begun to think it is true.  And I have heard others tell me the same things about you and I trust in them and so I have begun to think it is even more true.  And probably if you tell me one more time, I will believe it to be true.   Be there no haste then Merrily.  Said Sir Butt.  I am the bravest of the brave.  The dragon slayer of all dragon slayers.  The all knowledgeable  one.  My steed is named Something and he is the best of the best of steeds and he is brave beyond brave for a steed and will attack at my command any dragon found in Common Ground….need I say more Merrily?  NO!  SIR BUTT!!  I BELIEVE!!!  I BELIEVE!!!!  Yelled out Merrily with glee in her voice.  And she grabbed him about the neck and gave him a lip on lip kiss like none other in all of Common Ground.

Ok then.  Continued Sir Butt.  I have a very important question to ask you Merrily.  Your answer is very important to me as well.  A part of me will be very disappointed if your answer is not what I expect it to be and your answer just might make me have to change some of my ways.  Are you ready for the question Merrily?  OH YES, SIR BUTT, PLEASE BESTOW UPON  MY BEING YOUR QUESTION!  Replied Merrily all excited and clutching her hands to her buxomness.

Very well.  He started.   Merrily, Right Hand Man gave me some ail while in our travels and it was the very best ail I have ever tasted in all my life.  I asked him how he made it and he said he obtained a part from a female friend of his and then he just added water to it and it made the very best ail in all of Common Ground.  He went on to tell me that it was you who provided him with the part he added the water to.  My question is, will you please provide me with the ingredients that is in the part you provide him?

Merrily is looking into Sir Butts eyes with the intent look of an almost new bride.  Her bright smile is spread across her face and she is beaming with delight  as he beings his explanation of the ail.  As he goes on with the explanation, her countenance changes from the beaming smile to a scowling one and her eyes begin to turn red, as does her cheeks and it spreads to her entire body (what we can see of it).  Her clenched hands held near her buxomness, separate into two distinct hands and then into two distinct fists and she begins to quiver.  First the quiver is with just tiny movements of her fists and then spreads quickly to the arms, and eventually to her entire body and with that, she starts beating on Sir Butt until he is laying on the ground, out colder that a pile of week old doggie do.

Was Merrily mad?  She most certainly was.  Here is the same man that made her mad before and she forgave him and now when she is thinking he is going to ask her for her hand in marriage, he asks her the dumbest of dumb questions she has ever heard.  She could not control her emotions.  She did pound on him until he was black and blue and of course being the gentleman he is, he could not attack her back and so she literally knocked the peejeasus out of him until he was laying on the ground unconscious!

We all must remember that a man of Sir Butts caliber can never marry and settle down.  After all he has his job in all of Common Ground to keep the trails safe for all who travel from their Points A to their Points B.  He also must be at the top of the mountain looking for dangers below and to keep safe all of those who camp in and around the trails through Common Ground.  He must keep himself fit and ready for battle at all times.  He could never settle down and be nurtured by a lovely woman such as Merrily Buxom.  He would not be able to travel as he must throughout Common Ground.  She would insist he stay at home, get a normal job and keep her happy in every way a man can keep a buxomness woman like her happy.  She would love him so very much she would over feed him and he would get out of shape, fat and lazy.  He would probably have to sell his Cash and his Account to help pay for the bills of every day village living.  No.  Sir Butt can never settle down.  And so the story continues.

Sir Butt Wakes Up

Something is nuzzling at Sir Butt with his nose.  Bumping him quite hard as he is still asleep and trying his best to wake Sir Butt up.  They have been in this camp long enough and Something needs to be going.  He needs to be un-tethered and let out to relieve himself.  Sir Butt, suddenly sits up in his bed roll.  He shakes his head repeatedly and then asks himself out loud.  Where am I?  He looks around and instantly recognizes where he is in Common Ground.  Wow.  He says.  I had the most real of real dreams and met the most beautiful woman in all of Common Ground.  The woman of my dreams.  Wow, it is late.  Something, we must be on our way!   He gets up and gathers his bedroll.  Un-tethered  Something and let him out to do his business.  Something!  He yells as the steed moves out of camp.  Hurry up, we have work to do.

Bears Butt

June 2011


Written on July 24th, 2011 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt


Where are you from Sir Butt?

My land is called “Common Ground”.

How did it get it’s name?

Let me explain.  In a land such as mine that has no boundaries and no-one owns any of it, and it is shared by everyone at the same time, it comes from your mine.  Let me explain further:  We all know that in order to have a mine, you need ground.  No one has ever had a mine that wasn’t.  My mine, your mine, his or her mine.  And the word itself, “mine”, is the common element in all of what I have just said.  It is the “common ground”, it is only bound by what you can extract from your mine and it’s beauty is all what you make of it.  Mine is no different, it’s just that I have put parameters in mine.

Also, we all know that “ground” is where we can grow trees, bushes and build homes and other such stuff.  It is also where water flows and breezes blow and above the ground is the sky and clouds.

And so, Common Ground is a very beautiful place most of the time.  But it can also be a place where evil lurks and it’s my duty to challenge the evils and make them go away.

What about towns in Common Ground?

You all know that I live in a small castle called “Buttingham Palace”, it’s a very small place that I call home.  It’s not really in any town, but more of a “point”.  In Common Ground, most folks talk about “points” and when they travel, they are usually going from “Point A”  to “Point B”.  It keeps things a lot simpler.

Lately, folks in Common Ground have gotten away from talking about Points and have gone to another sort of language and hand sign to tell where they are about to go.  I think it’s a form of laziness, or perhaps it’s a generational thing.  Anyway, they will simply say, I’m going to go from ‘Here’ to “There”, and with a point of the index finger, one will surely know where they are headed.  It’s quite simple and all knowing.  That is one reason I find myself saying and doing the same thing on occasion.

How does it work exactly?

Well, let’s say I want to only go a short distance to my next place.  I would point my index finger toward the horizon, only below the horizon and say, I’m going from here to there.  You should know by that my travel will be short and you should know exactly where I will be in a little while, once I leave here.

Should my travel be farther than that place, my index will point higher into the horizon and I might even make a arcing in my pose to let you know that I will be going beyond the closer place, and onto the next.  Get what I mean?


Ok, so that I have it all correctly.  What if you are going to travel, say all the way to the other side of Common Ground.   What would that look like?

You are an intelligent one, very good question.  Simple answer…in a case like that, where my travels will take me beyond many points B, I would either use my arm in a giant arc and my index finger pointing from the horizon on my right (or left), to the opposite horizon on my left (or right).  Or I could raise my trusty Cache and do the same sweeping motion all the while saying, I shall be leaving here and going to there.

A bit off the subject, but still it should shed more light on this simple learning and to keep track of my whereabouts at all times.  I have a dear friend and colleague, he does not come out of the home in which he lives and to visit him for a short period of time is long enough for me at any time.  A very smart man indeed.  His name is Sir Frederick Issac Gunther Newton and he once told me whilst we were enjoying some cold refreshments in his home.  He said, you know old man Butt, I’ve come up with something I think is relevant to you and your travels.  How is that Fig, I call him Fig, because of his first three names, Frederick Issac Gunther, FIG, get it?  Anyway, How is that Fig?  Well, Sir Butt, you always point in the direction of your next destination as if it was just a short hop, skip, jump away and you always point exactly at the place in which you will end up.  And when you ride off you go in that very direction, straight as an arrow.  So, my theory is that since you are one of the laziest people I know of.  Living a life off your past blunders and lucky encounters.  That the shortest distance is your way of travel.  Therefore, I have written that the “shortest distance between two points, A and B, is a straight line”!

So be it Sir FIG Newton!  I’m gone.  I’m not a man to be belittled in company such as yours.

And that was the last time I spoke to him.  And I understand that line he gave me about the shortest distance is being taught in schools and such.


What about dragons Sir Butt?  Can you explain to us about them?

Absolutely I can explain.  You see, I went to dragon school when I was but a wee lad and I’ve been studying them ever since!  Most folks don’t know it, but there are several types of dragons and some of them are even friendly!  Dragons come in many sizes and most of them have similar shapes.  They are generally long like lizards, with front legs longer than the back legs.  You might ask about why the front legs are longer, it’s because they like to surprise their prey and the longer front legs allow them to stand tall and reach over obstacles and grab their prey.  Most of the dragons in Common Ground are on what I call the “In Danger List”, because they are evil and eventually I will happen upon them and reduce them to fly food.

What is the largest dragon in Common Ground?

By far the largest dragon is the” Three Headed, Fire breathing dragon”.  Luckily for everyone, including myself,  living in Common Ground there aren’t very many of these types of dragons.  They stand on their four legs and feet most of the time, but when they are in danger from me or another three headed dragon, they will fight by standing almost upright on their back legs.  When I’m on my trusty steed, “Something”,  the top of their heads is just a wee bit higher than I am.  In order for me to strike a deadly stroke, I have to pierce them from under their jaw!

What is the smallest dragon?

It’s called a “Minute dragon”.  They are only a minute in size and they are really a pest.  Usually minute dragons attack in small herds and they have a sting similar to a mosquito bite.  They are quick to bite and retreat beyond reach.  To my knowledge no-one has ever been taken down by a herd of Minute dragons, but many have had to leave the battle field and take refuge while their wounds healed.


How do you know where to find a dragon?

Dragons can be just about anywhere when I’m travelling, so I have to keep a watchful eye out at all times.  Remember, I said they tend to want to surprise their prey and so when I approach a tall stand of trees, bushes, rocks and such, I’m always prepared to go to battle in an instant.  I usually draw my sword “Cash” from its sheath, I call “My Account” and have it in hand as I approach.  At times, another traveler will tell me where they saw a dragon and what type it was.  If their story leads me to believe other travelers could be in danger, I will speed, henceforth to the place and slay the dragon.


What do dragons eat Sir Butt?

Each type of dragon eats different stuff, for different reasons.  That is why Common Ground is so unique.  There exists the type of dragon food all around in Common Ground no matter where you go.  Most of these dragons get along with one another, except the Three Headed ones.  They are the biggest and the meanest in all the land and so all of the others are deathly afraid of them.

Minute dragons mostly eat flying bugs that fly close to the ground.  They utilize the food source to supply them with the things they need to survive and produce stinging poisons.  On the other hand the Three Headed dragons eat great quantities of meat!  Any meat they can find and surprise, be it a deer, another dragon or a person such as me.  While the Minute dragon catches his prey by snapping it up in his mouth, the Three Headed dragon has to cook his food to blackened charcoal before eating it.  That is why the Three Headed dragons also breath fire.  It’s quite an interesting story to say the least.  I’ll tell that one a bit later.

Other dragons only eat certain bushes and others still only survive on water!  The Water dragons are the best for taming and using to help out around Common Ground.  Another good thing about Water dragons is that Three Headed dragons don’t like to bother with them, as when they breath the fire on them, the Water dragon just goes up in a cloud of steam and there is nothing for the Three Headed dragon to eat.


Are there other dragon slayers in Common Ground?

Yes there are a few, but we tend to fight our dragons alone.  On occasion I will run into my best buddy, “Sir Clanks A lot”.

What is he like Sir Butt?

He stands a bit taller than I, and wears a full suit of  “Arm Ore”, of course the ore came from his own mine.  He has a helmet, body vest, leg covers and arm covers, all made from the same Arm Ore.  He complains about the weight of the Arm Ore a lot and he has to make frequent stops to partake of beverages.

How did he get the name of “Sir Clanks A lot”?

Well like I said he has a full suit of Arm Ore which is very heavy.  And I said he has to stop and drink lots of liquids to resupply his body with fluids.  Most of the stops he makes are at places where fair maidens have squeezed grapes and made some fine cooled drinks.  These drinks makes him all happy and when he gets up to leave he will fall down and make a loud clanking sound.  He does this a lot!  And when it was heard through out the land, he was named “Sir Clanks A lot”!


Sir Butt, tell us more about the Three Headed Dragon!

I guess it won’t be too much over your heads.  I’ll try and keep my explanation to your level.  Remember I’ve been very well schooled on dragons, and I’ve learned a whole lot more while battling with them.

Three Headed dragons have three heads, duh, and three very short necks which are attached to a longer common neck which leads to the stomach.  Each of the three heads has a pair of eyes, a large nostrelled nose, a mouth full of dull rounded black teeth and a pair of ears.  The heads look too big for the rest of the body, but there are reasons for this.

They can only breath fire out of one mouth at a time, and there are a few seconds between one head breathing fire and the next being able to breath fire.  It’s a recycle thing that has to happen in the body that causes the delay.

The body of the Three Headed dragon only has one lung, it’s located near the middle of the body and it is the largest single body part inside the beast.  They have one stomach and they don’t go to the bathroom.  This is part of the reason I think they are so mean.

When a Three Headed dragon surprises its prey, it breaths fire upon the prey turning the body of the prey into a chunk of charcoal.  Then one of the mouths will pick up the chard remains and swallows it.  There is a great deal that happens inside the stomach of the Three Headed dragon which turns the chard remains into more fuel for the fire breathing part of the dragon and the rest of the stuff helps to keep the dragon alive and kicking.

Wow Sir Butt, you  sure do know a lot about the Three Headed dragon.

Quite honestly, yes I do.


Sir Butt, would you please tell us a story about one of the Three Headed dragons you have slain?

I guess it’s not too soon or too late to tell you a story about one of them.

There was a time many, many moons ago, I was riding Something down the trail between Point A and Point B when another traveler was coming along in the opposite direction  We stopped and chatted a bit about the weather and how the travelling was going.  His horse looked a bit upset and so I asked him about that.  He said that about half way back to Point A, his Point A, not mine, his horse became very nervous about something he could not explain.  He saw nothing, heard nothing, but he did smell some foul odor and chose to move along at a fast pace.  A HA, I said, it was a Three Headed dragon that hadn’t quite gotten into position to fry you and your horse.  You are one lucky man on one lucky horse and from now on where ever Knights shall meet you shall be known as “Lucky Man”  and your horse shall be known as “Lucky Horse”.  Carry on Lucky Man and Lucky Horse, I have work to do.  And I rode off in the direction of Lucky Man’s Point A, my Point B.

Soon I was approaching a large stand of rocks along side the trail.  I caught the rank smell of charcoal in the breeze coming into my face from up wind.  A Three Headed dragon was certainly lurking behind those rocks.  I drew Cash from my Account and readied for battle.  In the blink of an eye the Three Headed dragon lurched over the rocks and stuck out one head ready to breath fire and death upon me and Something.  A lightning quick up thrust into it’s throat and the head went crashing  down against the rocks.  The other two heads were quite surprised by this, as the one I had slain was the best of the three of them.  I spun on Something and came face to nostril with the middle head and swung Cash in his face.  The shinning from the sun blinded him and I backhanded the third head with the butt of Cash knocking it out.  With the quickness of a prowess, Cash lead a lethal blow to the middle head and then cut the knocked out head right off it’s short neck.  The battle was short and quick.

I dismounted Something and put Cash back in My Account.  Proud to be of service to those travelling between Points A and B.


Wow is right!  And that makes me think I should be going now.  There may be other dragons out there keeping folks from getting to their Points B.


Sir Butt, you are an amazing person.  Since you have such vast knowledge about Three Headed dragons, can you explain how they breath fire?

My studies have lead me to the depths of the dragons entrails where it all begins.  You see, the charcoal is swallowed and moves to the stomach.  Inside a fire breathing dragon’s gullet are opposing forces.   Those opposing forces are in the form of liquids, on one side is “acid”, the rankest of acids I might add.  It is so strong and powerful, if you got some on your skin it would melt you to the bone, and then the bone would melt as well.  This acid is very wicked indeed.  At the other end of the spectrum is what is called “base”.  Base liquids also are very powerful and strong and act much like acid in that it too can burn your skin and choke your life giving oxygen from out of your lungs.

When these opposing forces come in contact with charcoal, they disintegrate the charcoal into its basic forms, char and coal.  But not in solid form, rather in gaseous forms.  We all know that char in its solid form, can be used to start fires, by striking flint against steel and catching a spark on the char.  So it works inside of the dragons gullet, only in gaseous form.  We also know that coal, is a good source of a hot fire to keep us warm on cold winter nights.  It too lends itself valuable to the dragons fire breathing abilities.  In a gaseous state, the coal will ignite easily, and since it is in a gas form, it can be breathed to several yards from the dragons mouth.

Now you might ask, how does the dragon make a spark to ignite these gases?  The spark that ignites the char gasses is made when the dragon opens his mouth.  His lower teeth are connected to the negative ions which are induced through the dragons nervous system  down to the Base fluids.  His upper teeth are charged positively and the nervous system is connected to the Acid fluids.  When the dragon pops open his mouth the two charges arc from lower to upper teeth and the char gasses are ignited.  Then when the dragon breaths out hard from his large lung, the coal gasses pass among the char gasses and when this mixture hits the oxygen outside of the dragons mouth, they burst into flames that are so intensely hot, it reduces whatever it hits into charcoal within a second or two.

You are an amazing source of knowledge Sir Butt.

Right you are!


OK.  Earlier you said that the dragon can only breath fire out of one mouth at a time.  Can you explain that to me?

Three heads on one body is the simple answer, but I’ll explain as best as I can.  He only has one large lung remember.  And only one nervous system, right?  So, the mouth that opens up first is given priority to breath the fire.  It can only breath fire for a short period of time, because the lung runs out of air and the dragon has to take another breath.  Meanwhile, the central nervous system is restocking on Char gases and Coal gases, so there is a slight delay before another head can pop open its mouth and breath fire.

When fighting a fire breathing dragon one must keep a watchful eye on not only the heads, but also the chest of the beast.  When the chest heaves outward, watch out!  One of the heads is about to breath death and destruction your way.  As you fight the beast it’s always best to cut off a head or two so that you only have to contend with one.  It’s also a good idea to try and get in close to the beast and thrust your long sword into its lung.  By doing this he can’t take a very deep breath and therefore makes it nearly impossible for him to breathe fire.


Sir Butt, I have heard that there are flying dragons, but you have not spoken of them.  What can you tell me about flying dragons?

OH My!  I suppose there could have been flying dragons at one time or another, but there has not been any evidence of remains found, nor scratching on rock cliffs to lead us to actually believe they ever existed.  In my schooling there was no mention of them.  So I must conclude that their existence was just someone’s giant imagination going array. I can picture myself telling some young children a story about flying dragons, just to scare the peejeesus out of them to get them to go away and quit bothering me.  That is probably exactly how the flying dragon thing got started.  Did I mention I must be getting along and that there might be a traveler in trouble with a dragon?


Before you venture off Sir Butt, just one more question.

And what might that be?

Ah…Does a sword have to be made of a special metal in order to handle the killing of a dragon?  I mean, a dragon has such a hard outer surface covering its skin and all.

You are quite an intelligent man my friend.  Why yes the sword must be made of the hardest of metals.  Sir Clanks A lot’s arm ore is way too soft for the blade of a sword of this caliber.  He too would admit that his mine could not produce the quality of metal for use as a sword made to slay dragons.  Metal for a dragon slaying sword can only come from the bowels of a mine found only in Metalurgy.  It is very hard to extract and takes nearly the same type of metal to extract it as is being extracted.  You see the people of Metalurgy are very keen about how they extract the precious material used to make dragon slaying swords that their entire village is surrounded by a large, unpenetratable wall of the same material.  Not only are they not bothered by troublesome dragons, they are isolated from the rest of Common Ground and only those with special permission are allowed within these walls.


Have you been allowed inside these walls you talk about?

My dear friend, that is another question that you are asking!  You said you only have one and you used it.  I must go.

But Sir Butt, please tell me, have you been allowed inside the walls of Metalurgy?

Oh course I have!  Being only the very best dragon slayer in all of Common Ground, who else would have ever been invited inside the walls of Metalurgy?  Do you think Sir Clanks A Lot would have ever been invited in there?


Now, you have gone and made me angry!  Sir Clanks A Lot owns his own mine and there is never going to be one mine owner EVER invite another mine owner into see his mining operations!  Have you not heard of MINING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?  My Gohd man!

Pardon me Sir Butt, please forgive my ignorance.  You are the greatest of the greatest, please forgive me.

Very well then, but please don’t insult me again!   The last one that ever did that was Fig and I have not seen him since…the ignorant man.  OOOOO!

I was invited into Metalurgy when I was a beginning student on dragons and the slaying there of.  The smartest of the smartest could see that I was the chosen one who would wash the other students out and that I would become who I have become.  I must say he was certainly the smartest of the smartest.

Yes indeed, the owners of the mine treated me like a famous person, even though I wasn’t famous at the time.  And when the long visit was over they presented me with my fine sword called Cash!  They showed me how sharp it is and how well balanced it is.  They showed me several other uses for it as well and I still use it in every way they showed me.  It never needs to be sharpened even after years and years of slaying dragons it is still as sharp as the day I was presented it.  As a final tribute to my visit inside the walls of Metalurgy, they presented me the sheath that houses Cash and they called it an Account.  I believe account means a covering of one’s assets.  A naked asset such as Cash needed an Account to cover it.  That was the proudest day of my life, only seconded by the first dragon I put to rest using this fine instrument.

Well Sir Butt, I have asked all the questions I had and then some.  I thank you dearly for your time and wish you well on your journey.  Thank you very much for such insightful information.  I’m certain everyone has learned something from all of this.

You are welcome.  And  now I must go to the top of the mountain and view the valleys below for dangers and such.  Ta Dah!

(End of Interview)

Bears Butt

June 19, 2011

Written on July 8th, 2011 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt


Written on June 4th, 2011 , Sir Butt
By: Bears Butt

Well, my good friend Bill said in a comment that he pictured “Sir Butt” circling the fire etc. telling tales.  So, I guess I’m obliged to create another category called “Sir Butt”.  But first I must let you all in on where this all comes from.

At a rendezvous (rondeevoo) several years ago, I won a rifle shoot and the first place prize was a sword from the renaissance era.  A fine sword I might add, with a huge hand guard, nicely adorned with scroll work, a great scabbard and very heavy and sharp blade.  Since the rendezvous was called the “Cache Valley Rendezvous”,  I named my newly acquired sword “Cash”!  And it was done.

Since that time in my life, I have retired from working as a “slave” to the system and only work when money runs out or I have time.  I have earned very little real money since and wish people like you, reading this, would contribute to my well being (another story)…Anyway…my friends and relatives knew of my newly acquired gift and held it in high regard that I should do something with this gift in the way of entertainment for “themselves” as well as my entertainment.  SO…They created quite a stir, went to the bother of a fancy piece of paper adorned with much addo and “knighted me ‘Sir Butt'”!   I have in my possession several legal documents and such that clearly show me as a knight and so, forget about any legal issues that I am not.

And so it goes.  Since then there have been several appearances of “Sir Butt” at our family rondeevoos.  He has acquired a shield.  A fine shield made of the finest of silver in all the land.  And aptly adorned with his coat of arms.

He has acquired a horse he calls “Something”.  A fine animal of stature beyond recognition and as steady as a post, and very quick  in battle.  “Something” can turn on a sterling (English coin) and post up on a quirk (riding whip).  “Something” is really “Something” to behold.

Sir Butt has been known to leave the camp saying words such as this:  “With Cash in hand and Something between my legs, I shall go into the village and make certain the people are safe”!

Sir Butt has turned into a saver of common folks and there are a lot of questions about him.  He is NOT a Robin Hood…NO…Robin Hood robbed and stole and then supposedly gave to the poor.  Sir Butt thinks he was a Robber, Swindler and no good snake in the grass for most folks!

Sir Butt stands for the GOOD of the people, no matter their wealth.  He wants safe passage for those who go from one place to another and he is a very good fighter of dragons.  He has learned from the best about dragons and even gone to school about them.  To say the least…Sir Butt KNOWS ALL!

Now you know about his background.  Let the tales begin.

Written on June 2nd, 2011 , Sir Butt | Stories, Ramblings & Random Stuff From an Old Mountain Man is proudly powered by WordPress and the Theme Adventure by Eric Schwarz
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Just some of my old stories, new stories, and in general what is going on in my life.